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Special Guest: Charlton Heston; Dr Willard Honeywell claims that homosexuality is caused by a virus; The Friedkin Family Singers pay a bunch of money for 60 seconds of fame; Sallie Hayes, whose husband will be executed on an upcoming show.

The AC-DCs, a 3-girl dance group, performs, later joined by their choreographer, the mother of one of the dancers; Gary Burghoff talks about his frozen yogurt stores; the treasurer of HELP (Help Every Little Person), Wanda Ford.

George Gobel, Baby Irene, and textile-mill owner Calvin Proctor.

Rita Moreno; Former White House paper shredder Pearl Wingate; and elderly actor Chad Brandon describes how he stays fit.

A viewer wins a date with Karen Lynn Gorney ("Saturday Night Fever").

Barbara Feldon and professional escort Jason Shine.

Singers Buck and Harriet Pine; former deli owner Susan Cloud.

Maharishi Maheesh Majipoor demonstrates how to lose weight by chanting. Also: consumer advocate Lou Moffatt.

Vickie Carr; Peanut trainer Emmanuel Kasinski; and unemployed magician Brandy McAllister.

Sherman Hemsley; Singer Pharoah Fawcett and police sergeant Norman Botello.

Norman Fell has a difficult time getting on the show as he has problems with the parking lot attendant.

Jim Nabors; Irene Huddleston on the condensed form of the Bible.

Cindy Williams; UBS programming executive Bill Nickerson.

Jill St. John visits the dentist with a troubled wisdom tooth. The dentist and his assistant perform a song on the show.

Gary Coleman (Wayne Coleman) and Corey Feldman premiere a talk show for kids scheduled to air on the UBS network.

Abe Vigoda tap dances. Stanley Turnbull (Richard Kline) talks about his book "Winning Through Acting Crazy."

Elke Sommer; the three semi-finalists in the City of Merchandise pageant.

Rob Reiner; Urban Poverty Consultant Richard Osgood.

Peter Marshall; David Fairchild tells how to fight fright.

It is all natural and cancer -free!

Russia expert Arthur Zaprinski and actress Suzanne Sellers.

Alice Ghostly; lounge singer Tony Rolletti.

Roger Miller; Gardener Toshiro Asaki.

Mark Hammill; Judge Marshall O. Petty proposes legalized prostitution.

Mortician Ernest Twilley and actress Gloria Chambers.

From the Pump Room of the Coma Cabana: the wedding of Tony Rolletti and Joanie Sherwood, presided over by Rabbi "Shecky" Stein.

Anthropologist Carl Cyrus and the owner of Jean's House of Cakes.

Barth talks about his housing situation; Deaf comic Ronnie Martin and his alligator; Morey Johnson: and adoptee who traced his missing parents; A former flower child who is now a mother, Kona Golden, on the _new_ PTA.

Barth talks about his new home; The El Tijo Half-toe Ballet Company ("...because we don't go all the way") presents the "Dance of the Belle Femme Suburbia"; W. D. Bud Prize presents Edith Bush, claiming that she's really Amelia Earhart. Then he talks about the San Andreas fault only to be interrupted by a UBS bulletin: Radioactivity Warning.

Japanese country and western artist Jimmy Yen; UBS presents its first Lifetime Achievement Award to Barbi Benton; Consumer advocate Lou Moffatt introduces Bible Gum Cards.

Barth talks about helping a man find his car keys; Jerry and Happy present their mini-pageant "I Am Democracy"; Disc jocky Tom "Cat Love Man" Wilson; Billy Crystal makes some phone calls.

Barth talks about his move from Fernwood to California and introduces the Fernwoodites who financed the move: Candy Lee Hargrove, Connie Bushman, Mercedes Blywyth and Vernon Taylor. Candy Lee talks about the Fernwood Fascinating Females Society. Vernon Taylor talks about the ammo convention. Connie Bushman reunites Happy with his pet turtle. Mercedes Blywyth talks about the Barth Gimble Fan Club.

Denny and Brian, the Born Again surfers sing "Surfin' to Heaven".

Dr. Joyce Brothers tries to reconcile roommates Happy and Jerry.

Bella Abzug; concerned citizen Ted Jennings.

Robert Conrad; Daredevil Virgil Simms.

The Punk Monks perform "Karmic Love". Happy talks about his new innovation: dental house calls. Barth "lip synchs" to the Martin Mull song "I'll Do the Samba".

Barth decides to issue his memoirs: "Barth Gimble -- One Man: One Life"; The El Tijo Half-toe Ballet Company present "The Ballad of the Broken Station Wagon"; Dr. Richard Osgood talks about the black market for organs and his "Whole Body Parts Catalog"; UBS promo: "Say What?"; Barth talks about his altercation with the owner of the gas station.

Tony Rolletti follows up his on-air wedding on A2N with his on-air divorce. Rabbi "Shecky" Stein officiates.

Baby Irene sings "Hot Diggity"; Susan Cloud talks about Falafel-on-a-stick; UBS owner D.W. Underwitter on why UBS is standing beside A2N.

Jerry and Happy appear in a commercial that Barth turned down, for the Yam Council; Virgil Simms talks about his new girlfriend and the Mobile City; A clip from the David John Decker Show; Virgil sings a Punk Country tune.

Happy talks about OD and sings a take-off on "Jeepers, Creepers". Teacher Terry Litchfield talks about the telethon tote board; Jack Albertson makes an appearance, but won't contribute himself; The OD poster boy, Howard Pellegrini; the telethon ends with no calls, and Jack Albertson needs cabfare; Jason Shine talks about his candidacy; Jack Albertson does a soft shoe number.

The band has been locked out for attempts to unionize, so Happy is the whole band. Barth and Jerry interview Barbara Eden and Melissa Gilbert -- at the same time. Happy talks about the Oral Smoke Alarm. Chuck Emmitt Saugis and his hostage Mary Marie Clark. Barbara Eden sings.

Barth explains that his appearance is due to being part of "an all-night pajama party with guns" -- Chuck Emmitt Saugis is still waiting on his demands. Louden Wainright III sings. Chuck Emmitt continues negotiations. Dr. Arnold Shollien plays some surprisingly recognizable "whalesongs". More demands. Special appearance by "Raquel Welch" -- really a cop.

Child singer Frankie Wonder sings "My Way". Cowboy Monte Hale, host of the UBS Cowboy Movie. From "Laverne and Shirley" -- David L. Lander and Michael McKean. Someone sings "Blue Suede Shoes". Michael and David sing "The Creature Without a Head".

Barth talks about the mobile home warming gifts he received. From the Silly Barn -- Big Turkey and Super Quack. Herb Matthews reveals new Carter White House incidents. Joan Rivers plugs "Rabbit Test"; Commercial for Jean's House of Cakes: the Second Wedding Cake.

Barth and Jerry do some substitute hosting; Tony Rolletti presents his version of "America the Beautiful" and does a tribute to Judy Garland. Steve Garvey hurts himself playing baseball.

Barth talks about liquor advertising. The Mirth-Makers perform "Steam-roller Blues". Barth accosts Karen Black in the audience and Karen interviews herself. Barth, Jerry, and Karen sing "Sentimental Journey". Bud Prize appears with Edith Bush and introduces his dancing teacher, Miss Brenda.

Barth tells the UBS Story. The Hon. Marshall O. Petty kicks off his Congressional campaign. Shari Lewis searches for a missing Lamb Chop. Virgil Simms talks about his World Record -- and the accident. Virgil then sings "I'm Swearing Offa You (You Hag)". Jerry tries his hand at ventriloquism, with a very familiar puppet.

Barth talks about his tan. Happy Kyne and the Mirth-Makers sing "Good Vibrations". Sociologist Wendell Healey discusses surfing. Connie Stevens talks about her contract but does a number for the UBS special anyway: a lip-synch to "Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb".

Barth talks about his new talk show ideas. Taters the Clown sings "The Counting Song". Father John Lewis of the Mission San Tijo. Commercial for MST wine.

Martin Mull (?) grouses about the Alta Coma Chamber of Commerce "Man of the Year" award. Wayne Coleman of "America After Lunch" returns to interview Isabel Sanford.