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At the local tennis club, the club manager announces an exhibition of pin-point serving by Wimbledon Hastings, winner of the Davis Cup three times and the Wimbledon championship seven times. The ball boy sets up a bowling pin in the opposite cour. Hastings misses the pin on the first serve. He knocks it over cleanly on the second and third serves. Hastings tosses up the fourth ball from his bucket and, as he strikes it, the ball explodes killing him instantly.
At home, Burke answers his door to find Gloria carrying a huge basket, fully equipped to put in the garden she feels he needs. He makes light of it, but Gloria is serious. She got up early just to pick the right flowers - zinnias, petunias, poppies, etc. Burke says, as he cuddles her, that he's more of a cactus time; Gloria says he wouldn't be if he shaved. Henry interrupts with news of a call. Gloria was just about to demonstrate how the bees got to the pollen; Burke goes to work, telling her to keep her petals dry.
At the tennis court, Les tells Burke the score is 1-0 in favor of the bomber. The rigged ball was in a large bucket of balls the Hastings was using for the demonstration (Burke asks who kicked the bucket). Forrest Shea, Hastings' ball boy, is introduced to Burke. He says he filled the bucket one hour before the exhibition, then left it in the equipment room. Hastings brought the bucket onto the court himself. Forrest says lots of people went in and out of the equipment room in that hour. Forrest tells Burke he's already made a list, but left off the names of those without any motive to kill Hastings. He tells Burke "we've" already got enough work without going on a wild goose chase. Les asks, "we?"; Forrest intends to be Burke's sidekick. He says where would Dick be without Sam (Dick Tracy and Sam Ketchum, he explains - Forrest is a comics addict). He tells Burke he was going through his "Crimestoppers Manual" and has a theory on how to trap the killer; it worked great for Tracy in 1954. Les groans; Burke is not interested. Forrest says OK, if you want to let Clayton get away, and leaves. Tim says Forrest idolized Hastings and disliked his rival Clayton Newman, #2 in amateur standings (and of course, now he's #1). Newman had plans to turn pro and would get better money with Hastings out of the way. Tim reports that Newman was in the equipment room, supposedly arguing with the referee to ensure he'd get a fair shake. Newman apparently always blamed the referee when he lost a match.
When Burke locates Newman, he is acting up for the reporters, doing a Brando impression in a torn t-shirt. He tells them that in his books he has been #1 for a long time. One reporter asks him about the Lawn Tennis Association meeting last week that ordered him to stop wearing undershirts on the court. Newman rips his shirt to shreds, then says he's just following the association's orders. The reporter mutters "oh, brother!" and Newman attacks him. Burke breaks it up and the reporters gladly leave. Burke asks Newman just how anxious he is to turn pro. Newman replies that he's smart enough not to turn pro until he gets the crowd sympathy. Right now he's #2 after Hastings, and of course #2 always gets the crowd sympathy as the underdog. Newman accompanied Hastings on tour. He tells Burke he used to deliberately lose to Hastings; it was all part of a way to get rich. He goes on to explain that he's not really a slob but just acts like one, all part of the game, you gotta have a gimmick. Newman dons a robe, telling Burke that a player has to call attention to himself or no one will pay attention to him at all; he has to be a character. Newman used to play tennis as a Cary Grant character (he does his impression for Burke) but it didn't work - you can't play tennis with a stiff neck. Then he tried Cagney (another impression) but that made him nervous. He says the Brando routine is the real "him". His court fights with Hastings were all an act, like everything else. He insists that he and Hastings were pals; they played poker every two weeks. Burke leaves, telling Newman to give his regards to Marlon.
Tim shows Burke the list of suspects; Burke asks Les to check on the Newman/Hastings poker games. At Hastings' home, Burke goes through piles of clippings. Tim and Les find a closet filled with women's clothes and tennis equipment (stamped with the initials HH) in the bedroom across the hall from Hastings' room. Tim supposes that they belong to Hastings' current lady friend, Helen Harper. Looking around the house, they see plenty of signs of how Hastings spent his $20 million inheritance - the house is filled with expensive antiques. Tim hesitantly asks for Burke's advice in making stock market investments; Burke puts him off. In Hastings' closet, Les discovers a red dress with white collar and a bushy red wig. When Tim wonders what a dress is doing in a man's closet, Burke says "no comment".
THE WOMAN HASN'T BEEN BORN THAT HAS ENOUGH CLOSET SPACE TO CALL HER OWN - BURKE'S LAW
They also come across a photo of Hastings' ex-wife, Ramona Specks. She was embroiled in a court battle over custody of their son at the time of the murder; it was due to come to trial next week. Ramona had made an appearance at the tennis exhibition and been evicted for the scanty clothing she wore. So, of course Tim says, Burke will be the one to interview Ramona.
Ramona Specks answers her door dressed like Tarzan's Jane, with a long black wig. She says Burke must be the "alligator man" and invites him in. The whole interior of her home is a jungle, complete with campfire. Ramona say she can't believe it, Hastings was there one minute and the next he was gone to that big jungle in the sky. As jungle drums play, Ramona sits by the campfire and knits. "Mayhill" is expecting a blessed event any day; she knows she's taking a chance knitting it in blue, but she so wants a boy. Burke examines what she's knitting - a very very long tube. He asks, a boy what? - boa constrictor of course. Ramona wants to know if he thinks it's too large, oh, well, he'll grow into it. She tells Burke she hates tennis, but went to the match because she and Hastings were to have dinner to discuss an out of court settlement in the custody suit. Ramona says Hastings dropped the suit two days ago; he had just sent her a note saying that he would grant her custody of "Genesis" if she would guarantee to arrange for a tutor for him. Genesis is their son; his name means beginning, an appropriate name for the founder of a new race, say Ramona. He will live a simple, but beautiful life dedicated to the advancement of the Primary Chordates, with man and animal living in peaceful understanding of each other. She claims to have burned the note in the campfire in the middle of the living room. Ramona explains that a man has a better chance of winning a custody suit if he's married, so when Hastings decided not to marry Helen Harper, he dumped the lawsuit. Just the we hear a Tarzan yell; Ramona explains that that's the tutor. Mr. Cuthbert, calling Genesis to class, as the drums begin to beat again. Burke leaves, "Umgawa!"
He greets Tim and Les at the station with "Umgawa!" Tim informs him that two more tennis balls in the bucket were found to be rigged as bombs. The killer slit the seams of the balls, inserted a plastic explosive, tetraglycerine in capsule form, and detonator, and glued the seam shut. Les says that there's no information yet on the supposed Newman/Hastings "friendship", but rumor has it that Hastings was trying to get out of his contract with his manager, Clyde Olesen. Les is waiting for Hastings' lawyer to return his call for confirmation. Helen Harper is ranked #5 in women's amateur stadings. She was engaged to Hastings, but apparently they had a big fight two days ago and she hit him in the head with her racket. Burke says to start checking explosives firms.
That night, Burke goes to where Helen Harpur's boat, "Garden of Eden", is docked. He calls "ahoy" and gets no answer, knocks and still gets no answer. Finally he sees her swimming in the bay. Helen tells him to go away, she is "drowning" herself. Burke tells her she's not doing it very well - it's hard to drown yourself when you know how to swim. He says he wants to talk to her and wonders why she's drowning herself. Helen asks if he can think of anything better to do - she's bored; Burke suggests 20 Questions. When Burke identifies himself, Helen says he's cute and she can drown herself anytime. She warns him to turn his back so she can get on board; she's nude - why get dressed to go drowning. She goes down into the cabin and calls for Burke to come down. He asks if she's decent so soon; she replies no, but she's nearly dry. Helen admits to being in the equipment room before the match, looking for Hastings; he was her fiance after all. Regarding the reported "scene", she says they had a scene every other day, they argued about everything. Theirs was a working relationship and she did all the work. Burke asks why she bothered and Helen says for money - the only "love matches" are on the tennis court. She denies Hastings wanted to break the engagement; she says she had the insurance of his needing to be married to get custody of his son. When Burke says Hastings gave that (and her) up and that was a good motive for murder, Helen says that in that case he should talk to her sister Nonnie. Nonnie always said Hastings was like a son to her, which Helen says is always the coverup used when an older woman goes for a younger man. Nonnie actually was hopelessly in love with Hastings, who never gave her a second thought. Nonnie was also in the equipment room, Helen says, hoping to talk him out of marrying Helen "before it's too late". Helen tries, unsuccessfully, to get Burke to stay.
Tim discusses investment strategy again with Burke, then gets a call from Choo Choo ("like in train"), a singer at the club "Drunk Tank". She tells Tim he might like to hear what she has to say, since she knew Hastings "like the back of my racket". She promises to save him a table for the evening show.
Tim enters the club as Choo Choo is performing "What Kind of Fool Am I". He applauds with the rest of the audience. When Choo Choo comes over, she tells him money and compliments are always appreciated, in that order. She says Olesen created Hastings the tennis star, but Olesen was greedy. Tim comments that Olesen must also have created Newman the star, who is also greedy. Choo Choo tells him that everyone around Hastings was needy. She tells him Hastings and she were just friends - she needed a job and he had helped her get one. So, maybe he was a dingaling and bad news to others, but he was fine with her. No matter what anyone, Newman and Ramona included, say, none of them liked Hastings. Choo Choo explains that the only reason Ramona had a kid was to keep Hastings on a financial hook, the only reason Helen smiled at Hastings was to get him on a financial hook. She says Newman and Hastings sure had a "poker relationship" - Newman poked Hastings in the eye a couple of times. She admits they did probably play poker as a last resort. Tennis tours are lonely and even an enemy looks like a friend after a while. Nonnie, "the frustrated sister", is a dentist. Choo Choo went to her once and tells Tim she's a sadist. Nonnie never knew how to spell love unitl she met Hastings but he was after Helen. Nonnie got more bitter each time she tried and failed to break them up; it's possible that she thought if she couldn't have him, no one else would. Choo Choo tells Tim that any dentist who uses a drill like a jackhammer can't be all good. Choo Choo says now it's time for her to get the next pelt for her fur coat. A couple of years ago, a gentleman picked her up, holding a mink, and took her on a date. At the end of the date, he took the mink back. On the date, Choo Choo got a steak, parfait, coffee, and a taste for mink. Choo Choo decided it would be better to save for one.
At the tennis club, a member points out Clyde Olesen to Les. Olesen introduces himself and comments on what a hideous name he has. He says his doctor ordered him to exercise for his condition - there's always something wrong with him it seems. His exercise is ping pong. Les tells him he read his best-selling book "Think Plus: The Answer to All Problems" and found it very interesting and helpful. Olesen says he's working on a new book, "The Riches of Thinking Plus", but that it probably won't sell, and if it does the government will get all the money. He claims he only went into the equipment room to get out of the sun; he was afraid he'd get nauseous before the match. He offers to play Les in a game of ping pong, and tells him to call him Clyde - all his friends do, until they begin to hate him. By contract, Olesen got 25% of Hastings' earnings after Hastings turned pro. He asks to serve first, but says Les will probably win anyway. He denies Hastings wanted to break the contract and, when "Howard" died, Olesen's salary went with him. Les wonders who Howard is; Olesen says that was Hastings' father. Howard hired Olesen to keep an eye on Hastings. Howard had adopted an older boy who had gotten into trouble while in prep school and did some time in the reformatory. Howard disinherited him, but was always afraid that the adopted son might have influenced Hastings. Olesen was to keep Hastings in line. As Olesen talks, he proceeds to constantly lose every shot in the ping pong match. Hastings found out about the arrangement with Howard and insisted that a contract be signed. Hastings would pay Olesen extra if he would always give good reports to his father. When Howard died, Hastings, he no longer had any need for Olesen and wanted to break the contract. Olesen says that, with his luck, Hastings probably would have succeeded. Les asks if Hastings left Olesen, wouldn't Newman leave also? Olesen says he makes no money at all off Newman. If Hastings isn't around, someone else will beat Newman; Newman's a born loser. He signed him on because he (Olesen) wouldn't know what to do with a winner. He loses the game to Les 5-0. Les finally quits and says he thinks Olesen's new "Think Plus" book will sell - he intends to buy a copy himself - for Olesen.
Les tells Burke, at the club, that he may kill himself after interviewing Olesen. Forrest runs up, saying he's glad he saw Burke arrive. Burke is not thrilled. The newspapers have said that Burke hasn't made an arrest, so Forrest figures Burke is ready for his help; Burke declines. Forrest says Hastings was his friend and his getting killed is almost as bad as the day L'il Abner got married and he bets Burke doesn't know when that was. Burke says March, 1952. Les asks how he knew that and Burke tells him he always profits by other people's mistakes. Forrest says Olesen is a close personal friend. Burke asks him if he shouldn't be in school and he says, Orphan Annie didn't go to school. Les reminds Forrest that she had Daddy Warbucks and he doesn't. Forrest doesn't need school, he is a Student of the Comics. He quizzes Burke on comic trivia and Burke gets every answer right. Forrest says he's going to win the annual cartoonist's award. Les asks him if he's a cartoonist and Forrest replies that he's anything he wants to be - after all, he and Superman were born the same year. After he leaves, Burke calls him a strange kid. Les says he's lonely, Tim found out he's an orphan who lives with a 75-year-old aunt and doesn't get along with her. He spends all of his time at the club; one summer he worked there and slept in the utility room rather than go home.
Burke is in Nonnie's waiting room when she comes out and immediately rushes over and checks his teeth. Teeth are her life. She asks Burke if he knows what causes decay; he asks her if she knows what causes murder. She says Hastings was her patient and had teeth just like Burke's, beautiful on the outside. But on the inside they were rotten, rotten, rotten. Over Burke's objections, Nonnie insists on giving him a checkup and drags him into her dentist's chair. They struggle for control. Nonnie says she was fond of Hastings as a tennis player but not as a person. Not only was he a carbohydrate addict, but was anti-fluoridation. She tells Burke he isn't interested in Hastings the way he should be - show her a man's teeth and she can tell you his character. Nonnie starts a rant on how no one gets enough roughage and Burke finally stops her probing his mouth, so he can ask questions. She admits she went to the equipment room because Helen had lost her tennis match and Nonnie thought she might be upset. Burke suggests she really went to see Hastings, but she denies it. Nonnie didn't want Helen to marry him, but insists Hastings was like a "son" to her. Burke wonders if Oedipus' father was a dentist. Nonnie tells Burke that Helen just wanted Hastings for his money; she keeps probing Burke's teeth, saying she loves to find a good trouble spot. Burke tells her she won't find any cavities. Nonnie wonders if she's losing her grip. He tells her that her grip is fine, but her chairside manner needs improvement. He gets away before she can do any more probing.
Tim brings in a report from a warehouse where explosives were stolen three nights before. Night watchman was jumped by a woman in a red dress with bushy red hair. Tim tries to discuss investments with Burke again, but Burke puts him off until after the case is solved. Then Henry gets in on the act, asking for stock tips. Burke wonders whether he's paying Henry too much. At the station, Burke discovers that neither Nonnie or Ramona could be the woman at the warehouse. On that night, Nonnie was lecturing at a dentists convention, Ramona was at a dinner party. Helen hasn't been located, so they can't check her alibi yet. Tim and Les insist that any woman would have just changed her appearance and come during the day. Maybe it was a man. Burke realizes that the dress and wig from Hastings apartment match those seen on the mystery woman
WHERE THERE'S A WIG THERE'S A WAY - BURKE'S LAW
At the apartment, Les notes that they seem to be too big to fit Helen. Burke tells Les to put them on ("no makeup"). Les, disgusted, comes out in the getup and puts coins over his eyes, so he looks just like Orphan Annie. Burke has an idea. "After taking a few wrong turns, I've finally found the main.....drag." He tells Tim they're going to go separate the girls from the boys.
Burke finds Forrest at the club, cleaning out supply closets. Forrest says Burke is better at sneaking up on people than Snoopy. Burke asks him where he was three nights ago, shows him the wig and dress and tells him about the explosives theft. Burke says the "girl" could have been Hastings' adopted older brother. Forrest says he didn't know Hastings had a brother. Burke has remembered that Superman (and therefore Forrest) was born in 1938; he says there's a lot of difference between a 17-year-old ball boy and a 26-year-old man. Forrest grabs three remaining explosive tennis balls. He tells them he will just use them to get away. Killing Hastings wasn't for business, Forrest says, it was for pleasure. Hastings had stolen a car when they were both in prep school; he asked Forrest to take the blame and said he'd take care of him. some taking care. He paid him $20 a month for for years, then got all his father's money. The father had disinherited Forrest because Hastings would never confess the truth. When Forrest came back recently to claim his share of the inheritance, Hastings hired him as a flunkey. Forrest says he's tired of being a flunkey. He runs; Burke and Les follow, while Tim heads in another direction to head him off. He throws two of the tennis balls at them at intervals in the chase, but misses. Finally, he trips on the stairs, still holding the third ball. He screams, falls, the ball explodes and he is killed. Burke comments "Superman has been grounded".
At home Burke turns on the lights, only to have Gloria run out and turn them off again. She has a "miracle" to show him. She's been guarding it for years and tells Burke to close his eyes. Intrigued, he lets her lead him into the living room. Gloria says he can see now what she has for him. Burke goes to kiss her and she points to a night-blooming Cereus. Burke doesn't seem overly excited. Gloria says she's been waiting 10 years for it to bloom; she feels like blooming herself. He goes to kiss her again as the doorbell rings. She's invited the girls from her garden club. Burke is frustrated until 6 beautiful women enter, oohing and aahing over the Cereus. Burke and Henry both cheer up over the prospects ahead.