Writer:	Jon Sherman
Director:	Kelsey Grammer
Star:	Kelsey Grammer (Dr. Frasier Crane),  Moose (Eddie),  John Mahoney (Martin Crane),  Peri Gilpin (Roz Doyle),  David Hyde Pierce (Dr. Niles Crane),  Jane Leeves (Daphne Moon Crane)
Recurring Role:	Jean Smart (Lana Gardner),  Brian Klugman (Kirby),  Patricia Clarkson (Claire)
Guest Star:	Jonathan Ficcadenti (Kirby's Friend),  Christian Aubert (Maitre D')

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Frasier: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
Lana: That's disgusting!
Frasier: It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
Claire: Excuse me?
Frasier: Claire.
Claire: You traded me like a commodity?
Lana: Oh, get off your high horse!
Kirby: You tutored me to get to her?
Frasier: Kirby...
Claire: I can't believe you used me, Lana!
Lana: Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!
Roz: (rising) If you call me that one more time, lady...!
Lana: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!
Claire: What did you do, dangle me like bait?!
Roz: Who's the prostitute now?
Claire: Who the hell are you?
Lana: Sit down!
Kirby: You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!
(The Maitre D' steps up again)
Maitre D’: I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Lana: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!
Kirby: I'm not goin' anywhere.
Claire: Well, I am.
(She starts to leave)
Frasier: No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY!
(Everyone in the restaurant stops what they're doing and looks at him)
Frasier: Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
(Kirby looks contrite, Lana smacks him with her purse)
Frasier: And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.
Claire: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
Frasier: You have no idea.
(edit) Lana: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S WITH YOU?!?!
Frasier: Will you excuse me a moment?
(He hurries over to the other table)
Kirby: Mom, would you cool out?
Lana: How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?
Roz: What?
Friend: You're a hooker?
Roz: No, I'm not!
Frasier: She works for me.
Friend: You're her pimp?
(The Maitre D' comes over)
Maitre D’: Is there a problem?Frasier: No, no, everything's perfectly fine.
Lana: You know this tramp?Frasier: Yes, I do.
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! Lana, please. This is all innocent enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.
Lana: By promising him sex?
Roz: You promised him sex?
Friend: You're gettin' sex!
Frasier: I did NOT promise him sex!
Lana: (grabs Kirby by the arm//0 You are coming with me!
Kirby: Mom, I'm not going.
(edit) Kirby: (whispering to Roz) So, um, would you order some wine for us?
Roz: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.
Maitre D’: (as they sit) Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. (to Kirby) Never order for your date, it's cheesy.
(Angle on - Frasier ordering at his table)
Frasier: And the lady will have the filet.
(edit) Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
(edit) Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does that sound?
Kirby: You and me at a fancy French restaurant?
Frasier: That's right.
Kirby: Kinda gay.
(edit)

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