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Frasier: How to Bury a Millionaire

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Niles drives Frasier crazy during a temporary stay with him after he's forced to move out of his palatial abode due to a sudden decrease in cash flow. Frasier tries to help Niles adapt to his new standard of living. Add a recap »

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Writers:: Lori Kirkland Baker

Director:: Pamela Fryman

Stars:: Kelsey Grammer (Dr. Frasier Crane); Moose (Eddie); John Mahoney (Martin Crane); Dan Butler (Robert "Bulldog" Briscoe (seasons 4 - 6, recurring otherwise)); Peri Gilpin (Roz Doyle); David Hyde Pierce (Dr. Niles Crane); Jane Leeves (Daphne Moon Crane)

Guest Star:: Michael McShane (Frank); William Dennis Hunt (Mr. Draper)

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Niles: (rapidly) Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!
Frasier: No, Niles!
Niles: Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!
Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
Niles: No!
Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
Niles: Yes I do.
Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here!
Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. (into phone) Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...
(Martin and Frasier look on, helpless)
Niles: I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments. Thank you (hangs up)
Frasier: Well, good for you, Niles.
Niles: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. (looks at the room) But how am I ever going to live here?
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Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: (uncomfortable) Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address! Well, take your time.
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Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think we're about finished here!
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
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Frasier: Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront.
Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a (angry) Chevron station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie!
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for you while you were lying to me the whole time.
Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore. I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range. (checks for nose bleed)
Frasier: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place.
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Frasier: No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day!
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia."
Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day!
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?
Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?!
Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself.
(She points him out at the bar before leaving)
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Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.

Mrs Dalloway is the famous novel by Virginia Woolf, published in 1925. As feminism is considered one of its main themes, the double entendre of Niles Crane's reply is extra powerful.
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The title of this episode is a parody of the 1953 movie "How To Marry A Millionaire".
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FrasierFreak264
member since: Jun 16, 2005
How to Bury a Millionaire
The Bottom Line: "Pivotal"
Often overlooked and unrecognized, this episode is quite pivotal in the Frasier storyline as well as being one of the best the series has to offer. ...Continue »
12/11/05 11:39pm | report abuse