ABC Announces Its Dancing With the Mediocre Celebrities Cast

By Tim Surette

Mar 01, 2011

When you weren't staring wistfully into the Cro-Magnon eyes of Bachelor Brad Womack last night, you may have caught ABC's announcement of the next cycle of Dancing With the Stars. And then you were all like, "Whaaaa?"

The show will only be living up to three-fourths of its name. I assume there will still be dancing. And the dancing will be "with" people. I'm being generous by allowint the "the," but in no way can this roster full of "who dats?" and has-beens really be considered a list of "stars."

Full disclosure: I've never seen Dancing With the Stars, and nor will I ever, as the show is the equivalent of rubbing raccoon urine into my eyes. But you don't have to watch DWTS to recognize a good crop of attention-starved C-listers. Aside from Christmas and baseball's Opening Day, the DWTS cast announcement is the best day of the year (and I mean that with only 90 percent hyperbole). Who can forget last season's announcement, when the hits just kept coming? There was Mike "The Situation" Jersey Abs Tan, Jennifer Grey's nose job, Michael "Kenny G." Bolton, Satan-spawn Bristol Palin, and David Hasselhoff—who is such a mockery of himself he doesn't even need a nickname. Those once-in-a-lifetimers were bolstered by great supporting names like Margaret Cho, Audrina Patridge, and Brandy. That was a good cast. Ahh, the good old days of last year.

Last night, we got... supremely disappointed with a side of suicide watch. We want spectacle, potential devastation, AND bona fide celebrities. We need gasoline, flamethrowers, and napalm strikes. Instead, ABC gave us a glass of tap water with something floating in it. Ladies and germs, your 2012 Dancing With the Stars contestants:

Wendy Williams

Host of The Wendy Williams Show
Anyone who's watched The Soup knows that Williams is dynamite in a can, and she's the closest thing we have to a good time in this lot. The trainwreck potential here is high. Plus, her wig may fall off during a dip.

Kirstie Alley

Former Fat Actress, stuffy Cheers bar owner
The only other broad who could give Williams a run for her money in the crazy department. Likelihood of her shattering an ankle is high.

Chris Jericho

Pro spandex wearer and sweaty-man hugger
The WWE wrestler has lost all street cred amongst fans of fake, homoerotic sports. This must have been part of his deal to host throw-stuff-off-a-skyscraper game show Downfall.

Chelsea Kane

Requisite Disney Channel star
Disney owns ABC. That's pretty much all you need to know about this actress, who currently stars in a web series. Yes, a web series.

Hines Ward

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver, forever smiler
I hate the Steelers (except when they pay out in Vegas; thank you, Troy Palomalu's 2008 AFC Championship interception return for a touchdown that covered the spread!).

Petra Nemcova

Former supermodel
She used to be a supermodel, you know. Now she's most famous for surviving the 2004 tsunami while her fiance didn't. This is not a joke, this is just sad.

Mike Catherwood

LA-area radio-show host, co-host of "Loveline"
"Psycho Mike," as he's known, gets the benefit of Hollywood and Los Angeles not understanding that there's a world that exists beyond themselves.


Not so 'Lil anymore
He's a rapper AND an actor! Imagine that!

Ralph Macchio

Waxer on of things/waxer off of things
Just a personal request for the original Karate Kid: Ralph, I will give you FIVE DOLLARS if you sweep Kirstie Alley's leg.

Sugar Ray Leonard

The boxing legend is actually a great guy. I hope he wins. If not, I hope he delivers a right hook to Bruno's face. I would also consider that a win.

Kendra Wilkinson

Reality show goof-off, former Playboy Playmate
Kendra's the kind of girl who will fall on her face and laugh it off while blood pours out of her mouth. Fingers crossed!

Yep, that's it. Impressed? As a wise old man pointed out to me, The Apprentice's celebrity cast—featuring Gary Busey, LaToya Jackson, Meatloaf, Lil' John, and David Cassidy—is much better this year, and when DWTS gets out-Trumped by The Apprentice and NBC, you know it's a stinker.

Follow writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom

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  • jaynashvil Mar 03, 2011

    To call this a "c-list" celebrity lineup is being charitable. Second-bananas from low-rated cable shows are not stars. Chances are you'll run into bigger "stars" in the Boise, Idaho airport. During the dead of winter. At 2am.

  • OrusDelaney Mar 02, 2011

    Apprentice has few more people i.e. Jose Canseco and the sister that annoys everybody. At least there'll be bloopers/injuries on DWTS.

  • goldtop2007 Mar 02, 2011

    This show is the perfect reality escape it's designed to be. Dancing, music, romance, seeing the human face of people who normally are regarded as cartoon characters - it's perfectly produced entertainment for the whole family. Not for the cynical, but you got more than enough other shows to watch:)

  • buildam2005 Mar 02, 2011

    Why are people shooting such vitriol at Tim? You don't need to watch this show to comment on the status of its contestants (I mean, really, the title "Dancing With the Stars" tells you everything you need to know about the content), and what does it matter whether Tim's famous too? Where does he claim to be a star? The logic people use on here is about as intelligent as that of goldfish.

  • BrendaBriscoe1 Mar 02, 2011

    I know I won't be watching this season...I'm waiting for "So You Think You Can Dance" Best show IMO... Just Sayin

  • LutheShow Mar 02, 2011

    I watch this show every year (at least for the past 4 years) and I've got to say that this list of "stars" seems lackluster compared to earilier years. To be fair, we shouldn't expect big names, your Brad Pitts and Julia Roberts (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart for you younger folks) to make an appearance til well after the career nosejob, I mean dive, hits them hard. My only hope is that there is still a few celebrities who have yet to be announced (come on Lindsay you know you want to) that will help fill this list out. Based on the cast as it stands now without even seeing an episode I can predict that the final 3 will be Ralph Macchio, Romeo, and Kirstie Alley but I am looking forward to The Apprentice a lot more this year. Happy Watching loves. See you soon.

  • teambff Mar 02, 2011

    seriously how do people watch this? it's painful to think something like this people watch but then the cape (or something similar) people don't... bizarro world.

  • telvisnostic Mar 02, 2011

    Chris Jericho is far from mediocre and neither is Hines Ward.

  • wmb64 Mar 02, 2011

    If you don't watch the show WHY would the people who run this site pick you to review the show.

  • headclub Mar 02, 2011

    Kirstie Alley, lol.

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