ABC Announces Its Dancing With the Mediocre Celebrities Cast
When you weren't staring wistfully into the Cro-Magnon eyes of Bachelor Brad Womack last night, you may have caught ABC's announcement of the next cycle of Dancing With the Stars. And then you were all like, "Whaaaa?"
The show will only be living up to three-fourths of its name. I assume there will still be dancing. And the dancing will be "with" people. I'm being generous by allowint the "the," but in no way can this roster full of "who dats?" and has-beens really be considered a list of "stars."
Full disclosure: I've never seen Dancing With the Stars, and nor will I ever, as the show is the equivalent of rubbing raccoon urine into my eyes. But you don't have to watch DWTS to recognize a good crop of attention-starved C-listers. Aside from Christmas and baseball's Opening Day, the DWTS cast announcement is the best day of the year (and I mean that with only 90 percent hyperbole). Who can forget last season's announcement, when the hits just kept coming? There was Mike "The Situation" Jersey Abs Tan, Jennifer Grey's nose job, Michael "Kenny G." Bolton, Satan-spawn Bristol Palin, and David Hasselhoff—who is such a mockery of himself he doesn't even need a nickname. Those once-in-a-lifetimers were bolstered by great supporting names like Margaret Cho, Audrina Patridge, and Brandy. That was a good cast. Ahh, the good old days of last year.
Last night, we got... supremely disappointed with a side of suicide watch. We want spectacle, potential devastation, AND bona fide celebrities. We need gasoline, flamethrowers, and napalm strikes. Instead, ABC gave us a glass of tap water with something floating in it. Ladies and germs, your 2012 Dancing With the Stars contestants:
Anyone who's watched The Soup knows that Williams is dynamite in a can, and she's the closest thing we have to a good time in this lot. The trainwreck potential here is high. Plus, her wig may fall off during a dip.
Fat Actress, stuffy Cheers bar owner
The only other broad who could give Williams a run for her money in the crazy department. Likelihood of her shattering an ankle is high.
The WWE wrestler has lost all street cred amongst fans of fake, homoerotic sports. This must have been part of his deal to host throw-stuff-off-a-skyscraper game show Downfall.
Disney owns ABC. That's pretty much all you need to know about this actress, who currently stars in a web series. Yes, a web series.
I hate the Steelers (except when they pay out in Vegas; thank you, Troy Palomalu's 2008 AFC Championship interception return for a touchdown that covered the spread!).
She used to be a supermodel, you know. Now she's most famous for surviving the 2004 tsunami while her fiance didn't. This is not a joke, this is just sad.
"Psycho Mike," as he's known, gets the benefit of Hollywood and Los Angeles not understanding that there's a world that exists beyond themselves.
He's a rapper AND an actor! Imagine that!
Just a personal request for the original Karate Kid: Ralph, I will give you FIVE DOLLARS if you sweep Kirstie Alley's leg.
The boxing legend is actually a great guy. I hope he wins. If not, I hope he delivers a right hook to Bruno's face. I would also consider that a win.
Kendra's the kind of girl who will fall on her face and laugh it off while blood pours out of her mouth. Fingers crossed!
Yep, that's it. Impressed? As a wise old man pointed out to me, The Apprentice's celebrity cast—featuring Gary Busey, LaToya Jackson, Meatloaf, Lil' John, and David Cassidy—is much better this year, and when DWTS gets out-Trumped by The Apprentice and NBC, you know it's a stinker.
Follow TV.com writer Tim Surette on Twitter: @TimAtTVDotCom
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