Celebrity Apprentice: It's Time to Call Some People Out

By Lily Sparks

Apr 30, 2012

As regulars to TV.Com’s Celebrity Apprentice reviews are aware, I am a big, close-reading nerd for Celebrity Apprentice. I let the episodes seep through me like intoxicating vapors from a volcanic fissure and then spew out the most profound mythological and Jungian references my malnourished brain is capable of or paint weird, crazy, stalker-fan portraits of Penn Teller. But I feel incredibly justified, both because I REFUSE to chart the product placement of a two-hour commercial block for Trump’s cherry-picked sponsors, and also because there are deep themes of betrayal, of fallen heroes, of overthrowing honor for notoriety, pettiness, sacrifice. Look, there really are uncanny parallels between the hijinks of the B-list celebrities in Trump’s indulgently long freak show and the squabbles of Greco-Roman demigods. But for this episode, there were 10 observations I want to discuss that I can only talk about in the context of 2012. So I’m going to take a brief hiatus from my favorite way to recap and just call out these goblins. I’m LOOKING AT YOU, AUBREY.

1. Aubrey O’Day says she sleeps with pictures of kids who have committed suicide pinned up around her bed. How relaxing! Is this before or after you dance to “Goodbye Horses” in a pink kimono like Buffalo Bill? Also, for all the love she threw her charity, GLSN, she actually gay-bullied Arsenio. She was talking about how Arsenio is the biggest girl on the show and probably loves playing cheerleaders at home and whatnot. I really hope GLSN cashes her check and then immediately sends her a stinging letter.

2. Whether or not Arsenio is gay is none of my beez, but Aubrey’s other accusation, that he’s old, is pretty dead-on. NO OFFENSE! It's fine and sometimes even INCREDIBLY SEXY to be older than 50, but the way he talks, he has that old-man cadence, and the fact that he immediately associated tap-dancing with African-American stereotypes says a lot about his temporal context. Not that any of us should ever forgive or forget racist Shirley Temple.

3. I loved when the Good Sam's guy mentioned the company's non-speaking personality. You know what should be their mascot? A picture of whatever the hell it is they actually sell, because I am sitting here trying to remember what the contestants even sold and all I can think of is that weird guy standing with his hands at his sides that the company calls a mascot. Despite having watched basically a two-hour commercial including two musical presentations on the subject. Trailers? RVs? GPS units? Whatever, I don’t care. I am going to go out of my way not to buy anything that’s EVER appeared on Celebrity Apprentice, because it is basically child abuse (B-level celebrities are often helpless, throw tantrums, and just want to be loved, just like children)

4. This is the first time Dayana came off as kind of dumb. The editing wasn’t kind, but even the language barrier makes it hard to excuse her suggestion that the music be more “yellow” or “pink.” It was especially infuriating to me because my sister-in-law was visiting and watching the show for the first time and she was totally on Lisa’s side. She was like, “Lisa keeps it real! Dayana’s so smug and gross!” and I was going crazy trying to explain, “NONONONONO Lisa has been riding Dayana for weeks and has put her in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t position!” But my comments went largely unheard.

5. Ivanka kept cracking up in the boardroom when Lisa went off about how Dayana was stupid and would be doing nothing in her 60s while Lisa was successful and would not be taking advice from Dayana etc. etc. etc. Lisa loves to tell it like it is but the fact is, if anyone showed as little empathy to her as she shows to Dayana and also threw in a couple of well-placed barbs, I seriously think she would go home and put her head in the oven. It’s very weird when people act so pathetically insecure that you have to handle them with kid gloves, and then they turn around and treat you like garbage, but it's happened to me and it's been happening to Dayana for basically this whole season.

6. I’ve got a girl crush on Ivanka trump. She’s gorgeous, she’s smart, and she’s super perceptive. And her effing clothes! I love her.

7. Aubrey O’Day: brought to you by foundation undergarments. Did you spy her Spanx? Did you notice her industrial-strength pantyhose under her cheerleader uniform, paired with COMFY WHITE SNEAKERS like a graveyard shift casino waitress?? I am so fascinated by her.

I could watch her tromp around in those white puffy shoes and pigtails for years. And it would be a life well-lived.

8. Also, when Aubrey started going off about how she could lead anyone, anywhere, from any position of power—wow, just wow you megalomaniac. Have you ever heard someone so proud of being a weasel? Also: I go out of my way not to criticize the elements of a public figure’s appearance that they don’t have control over, or can’t easily change. I would not attack someone with obvious facial surgery because they are wrestling with their own insecurities and don’t need me, hidden behind my computer, to co-sign their own deafening self-criticism. But I have no problem having a good long laugh at Aubrey O’Day’s crazy red hair and weird eyelashes. YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN HOOKER, AUBREY. But, like, one rinse of Nice N’ Easy and several fewer pounds of makeup and you’d be stunning. So stop making clown hooker decisions!

9. I am putting forth the theory that no one feeds the celebrities until after the boardroom, because every week they get into the screening room or war room or whatever it is and immediately fall upon the canapes and olives and baby quiches or whatever like they’re starving. I think this is a strategic thing production does so the “celebrities” are extra irritable when Trump starts stirring the pot in the boardroom.

10. Clay is effing hilarious. I want to go on a road trip with him and hear him react to stuff. Comparing Dayana to his work with mentally challenged kids and telling her he is a grown-ass man? Need to get his book. I may even send away for a signed headshot. Even if he gets voted off next week (which is doubtful, Theresa is obviously next), then he will still have won the more important prize in this game: MY HEART!


QUESTIONS:

– How would you handle working with Aubrey?

– Is Theresa next on the chopping block?

– Who has impressed you most this season?

– Team Lisa or Team Dayana?

  • Comments (18)
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  • BarryDalton May 01, 2012

    there are probably only a couple dozen people on the planet who have still been taking this show seriously.



    And most of us are right here posting in this comment section.



    Truth is, Obama eviscerated the Donald last year, and he was right.



    this show is a joke...starting last year and even worse this year.



    Unless changes are made, this is the last season of "celebrity" apprentice I will subject my few remaining brain cells to.



    Fortunately, the show is alive and well in Britain with The Apprentice Uk, so I can still watch that.

  • DaisyHurts May 02, 2012

    Of course it's a joke. Unlike regular Apprentice, it's not as if there's a real job on the line. While there's always the occasional Gary Busey or Aubrey O'Day, most of these people already have fairly successful careers. I'm pretty sure the celebrity version of Apprentice was never meant to be taken seriously by anyone, not us and certainly not the contestants. The fact that we all do so to some extent, in spite of ourselves, is what makes it such incredible TV. It's all so grandiosely ridiculous!

  • fatimavh May 01, 2012

    What I'm most impressed by is Theresa still being on the show.

  • joeca1234 May 01, 2012

    Aubrey has sooo many faces, she must go through a lorry load of Maybelline every month. She would not last 2 minutes in the real world of business.

  • thorswitch May 01, 2012

    #3 - I'd never been a Clay Aikens fan and what I'd heard about him since his Idol run hadn't impressed me much. Then he did CA, and I swear, I'm in love (though I probably still won't listen to his music much - I'm more into Pink Floyd and Rush than crooning.) The man is hilarious and just seems to be so just real. I am TOTALLY rooting for him.



    #1 - I wouldn't handle working with Aubrey. She is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever seen and I wouldn't last a day without giving here - quite loudly and likely at length - a piece of my mind. If she were even a quarter as good as she thinks she is, she wouldn't have been on the losing team as often as she was - especially since, as she will remind you every chance she gets, she had to do all the creative work because no one else is as good at it as she is. Had I ever been project manager on a losing task where she complained about how she had to come up with everything, blah, blah, blah, I would have just focused in on that with Trump in explaining why SHE should be the one fired. I decided a while ago that when it comes to the finale, if she's one of the finalists I'm going to wait until it's done airing, find out who wins and if its her, I won't even bother watching it.



    #2 - Probably



    #4 - I think Lisa's evaluation is correct, but her behaviour makes it impossible for me to want to join her team. Yet I can't join Dayana's team because she does seem to be rather out of her element here.

  • anaturegirl May 01, 2012

    If you are serious about what it is like on the road with Clay Aiken then check out YouTube.

    http://tinyurl.com/75gfhtd Vids of Clay's tour banter. Alot to choose from and will have you laughing. Enjoy.

    Loved you recap of this weeks episode.

  • LilyRoRoSparks May 02, 2012

    amazing!! thanks!!!

  • blaine101 May 01, 2012

    Garf. I couldn't stand Dayana. Everyone tells me she's pretty, but to me she always looks like she just smoked a doobie. Huh? Whaah?? And I'm with Lisa on the co-writing thing. If someone stupid leaned over my shoulder to "help" me write, I would wipe the floor with them. It's the funnest watching Lisa & Aubrey explode and plot. Best apprentice yet.



    And I totally have a girl-crush on Ivanka, too! I think she's smarter than her dad & her two elephant-slaughtering brothers. Give her her own show!

  • c07111 May 01, 2012

    Is Aubrey for real? If so, I see why Diddy fired her. Can't wait until they all see her talking smack about them on her private interview. Dayana didn't have a chance in the boardroom, she was against Lisa, Clay and the Trumps (Donald Trump obviously had already decided to fire Dayana as soon as he told the team to leave). Last time I checked one of the most unprofessional thing is to walk out on a task shouting and coming back in name calling cussing (Lisa's theme), but I guess to the Trump Jr (don't know his name), Dayana wasn't being a leader.

  • ShelleyAnders2 May 01, 2012

    Loved your recap - Aubrey is quite a piece of work. Thanks for pointing out her charity GLSEN. I doubt they are pleased with her. And OMG! Clay Aiken's looks in the boardroom this past Sunday were hilarious!!!

  • mbfc2878 May 01, 2012

    1) I would ignore, ignore, ignore. I worked with a megalomaniac before, and it ain't no fun.

    2) Yes, it's buh-bye to Teresa next week.

    3) Clay. Clay. Clay. Clay. Clay. Clay. Clay. Oh and did I mention Clay?

    4) There is no Team Lisa or Team Dayana. There is only Team Clay.

  • osdawaya16 May 01, 2012

    I've been extremely impressed by Clay thus far - he's really awesome at the show!

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