Fireworks, Marathons, and Weeds
What to watch on Monday, July 4.
Not to get too political or controversial, but the Founding Fathers were pretty cool dudes. You know? They all seemed to have good senses of humor, plus they were good at paperwork. I guess some of them owned slaves, but hopefully they tipped them well? I'm not sure how slavery works. But in my humble opinion, we should celebrate the Founding Fathers at least one day a year, and since none of us have to go to work today, let's just celebrate them today! So here's your excellent Independence Day-themed TV guide, separated into three helpful categories:
A Capitol Fourth
PBS keeps it tasteful with this Jimmy Smits-hosted special featuring fireworks (performances by Little Richard, Steve Martin, Matthew Morrison, Jordin Sparks, and Josh Groban) as well as LITERAL fireworks.
Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular
Nick Lachey hosts this New York-based special, which features performances by Beyoncé and Brad Paisley. Also, fireworks probably, DO NOT quote me on that.
Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular
Boston gets in on the action with this Michael Chiklis-hosted, Lionel Richie-featuring special. Much like the NBC special, this one will also be a "spectacular." The noun.
Chicago's Summer Blast
"Hey what about me?!!" said Chicago. Oh right, Chicago has a fireworks special too.
9am-9pm, Comedy Central
50-Star Standup Weekend
Your Independence Day isn't complete unless you've seen hours upon hours of Blue Collar Comedy performances and Jeff Dunham specials. How about 12 hours' worth of them? To be fair, there might also be actual FUNNY comedians mixed in, but is it really worth the risk?
9pm-Midnight, Comedy Central
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Then there's always this mini-marathon, in which we'll see all the July 4th and/or America themed episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That's not too bad, right?
6-11pm, Investigation Discovery
Behind Mansion Walls
Investigation Discovery really knows what we patriotic, tax-paying citizens demand: Hours upon hours of wealthy people MURDERING each other. Or something? Relax, Investigation Discovery! Anyway, here's a six-hour marathon of this show, culminating in a BRAND-NEW episode at 10pm.
Tonight Nancy continues getting her bearings in Manhattan and reunites with Andy and Shane. Meanwhile, Dreamboat Son (forget his name) continues his modeling career in Copenhagen and Doug continues being the best.
Meet Eddie, a man who came THISCLOSE to achieving his major-league baseball dreams but decided to concentrate more on booze and gambling. Honestly, if I had to choose between playing baseball and suffering from a terrible addiction, I'd have to think pretty hard about it. I mean, I'd probably eventually go with baseball, but still.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Are You Fitter Than a Senior?, 8 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
The Secret Life of the American Teenager, 8 p.m., ABC Family
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E;
Single Ladies, 9 p.m., VH1
Switched at Birth, 9 p.m., ABC Family
Teen Wolf, 10 p.m., MTV
The Big C, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
What are you watching tonight?
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