It Seemed Like a Good Idea: Turbo Teen
You know that one guy in school who was popular and had the awesome car? And how you wanted something bad to happen to him? Well, someone sure had it in for high-schooler Brett Matthews.
While driving on a stormy night (in a convertible, mind you), a bolt of lightning forced Brett off the road. He crashed into a top-secret government lab right in the middle of a test and was hit by Dr. Chase's molecular transfer ray, "causing me and my car to become one: the incredible Turbo Teen!"
As a result, Brett morphs into his car whenever he's exposed to high heat. Fortunately, a blast of cold will change him back. Only his best friend, Alex, and his girlfriend, Pattie, know his dual identity.
In yet another example of the networks' estimation of children's intelligence, this gem debuted on ABC in September 1984, following The Mighty Orbots. It had the typical Saturday morning teen adventure plot with liberal splashes of Transformers, Knight Rider, and The Incredible Hulk.
A boy who turns into a car. That's a winning concept if done right. But even as a kid, I didn't understand why the hot and cold instigated Brett's metamorphosis. Then, it just seemed weird and inconvenient.
But now, the whole transformation is a little disturbing. When you watch the change happen (the same sequence was used over and over), you see his hands and feet turn into tires, and then he stretches out. His butt expands and becomes the back end of the car (And really, who didn't feel that way during the first semester of college?). The creepy part is watching his face stretch and distort until it becomes the headlights and grille. He doesn't seem to mind this at all, either.
That's creepy enough.
When you inevitably start wondering what body parts correspond to which car parts, it gets worse. Does that mean his colon prolapses and extends to become the car's tailpipe? So when you see the exhaust cloud, it's...eww. As seen in the opening credits, the car is a stick shift. You do the math on that.
And then his friends (and his dog, of course) ride in him. How is that not awkward, especially post-Taco Bell driving?
Clearly we weren't meant to think this hard about such things. We were just supposed to enjoy the action. In addition to fighting off invasions, thwarting crooks and reverting to human form after a trip through a car wash (no, really), Turbo Teen had to deal with the evil Dark Rider, who drove a monster truck and wanted to discover his secret.
Let me tell you, kids, you haven't seen anything until you see a sequence in which a dog bumps into a kid at a pizza parlor, sending a piece of pizza flying into a teen in a red jacket playing an arcade game, who then turns into a red car. And then he keeps playing the game AS THE CAR, which looks more like he's humping the arcade cabinet, but maybe that's just me. Or my meds.
Did anyone else suffer through this one? Add your own Turbo Teen memories in the comments. And yes, everyone has already thought of making a "junk in the trunk" joke; they just decided not to. Oh, and here's a pro-tip: You might not want to do an image search for "Turbo Teen" while you're at work. And that's one to grow on.
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