Matchmaker, Matchmaker: TV Couples We'd Like to See
ABC's reality dating shows and Jennifer Aniston movies want you to think that love will effortlessly connect two lost souls no matter what obstacles stand in the way, be they shotgun-toting farmer dads, a gender-opposite height differential, or cat allergies. But here's the truth: Finding a soul mate takes a bit of effort.
Sometimes that effort comes from sorting through the online dating profiles of weirdos, sometimes that effort comes from wearing a short skirt and drinking one too many Midori sours. But in my experience, the best cosmic love crunches happen when friends provide the flint that lights the spark.
To all you lonely TV characters out there, let us help! We'll be your romantic matchmaker! We'll set off the spark of cuddling We'll ignite the flame of fluid-swapping!
Which is to say, we've put together a list of TV personalities we'd like to see hook up for one weird reason or another. And in the interest of finding the truest love for them all, we've ignored their current relationship statuses, sexual orientations, and, in some cases, any sense of decency.
New Girl's Schmidt and Happy Endings' Penny
Schmidt is all about having a good time, and no one else in his league is more of a walking good time than Penny. Plus, she's man-hungry and doesn't mind a guy who likes to take his shirt off all the time.
The Walking Dead's Shane and Homeland's Carrie
Crazy people belong together so they don't waste the love lives of the rest of us, and no one on TV is more ready for a set of matching his-and-hers straightjackets than Mr. Angry Apocalypse Man and Ms. Bipolar CIA Conspiracy Theorist. But what makes them the perfect pairing is that their insanity is only matched by their passion, so when they're done threatening to cut each other with scissors, they can go at it in their place of choice. For Shane, that's the front seat of a car, for Carrie, it's the back.
Up All Night's Ava and Parks and Recreation's Andy
Not that we don't love April, but Andy would be the perfect "younger man" for the cougar-ish Ava. She's high maintenance and he's low maintenance, and the number of brain cells between them would be super fun to watch.
The Bachelor's Ben F. and Work It's Lee or Angel
This is an experiment more than anything else. Ben's dismissal of Emily last night was the nail in the coffin that buried his ability to recognize a good woman when he sees one. So let's see how long it takes ABC's man-meat to figure out that Lee, the 6'2" pharmaceutical rep who looks like a young Ms. Doubtfire, has an Adam's Apple and can bench more than he does. Since Ben likes to have his pick of women, let's also throw Work It's Angel in there. And if this doesn't work out, Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and his experience with transsexuals will be there for the rebound.
The Secret Circle's Faye and Teen Wolf's Jackson
As The Secret Circle's resident insecure bitch character, Faye puts up a front of toughness while having a huge weakness for handsome guys with bad attitudes. We say set her up with Teen Wolf's Jackson, a lacrosse-playing dick with a penchant for put-downs. Part of us thinks they might soften each other up a bit, but really we just want to know what those kids would look like.
Person of Interest's John Reese and Harold Finch
We know they may not be into that sort of thing, but there's enough sexual tension between these two to power a small metropolis! Let's just hope the computer doesn't get too jealous.
American Horror Story's Ben and Lost Girl's Bo
First of all, think of the couple name: BenBo! But if the awesome power of a perfectly useless double moniker isn't enough, know this: Ben is a horny man incapable of keeping it in the pants and Bo is a succubus who specializes in keeping things out of pants. They may not be much for romantic walks on the beach, but who needs that kind of cliched love when you can spend time putting hand prints on every flat surface and emptying canisters of whipped cream? And you know who would really appreciate this? Ben's desk, which needs a break from unnecessary man-polish.
Dexter's Dexter and True Blood's Pam
Dexter needs a more appropriate love interest than the one he's currently got, and Pam probably wouldn't be too judgmental of his hobbies. Few can argue that Dexter lost a bit of his mojo once he became a married dad, so we'd love to see his Dark Passenger get a bit of a recharge by dating one of TV's most badass females. At the very least, True Blood's Pam would stand toe-to-toe with Dexter's knack for morbid one-liners, but we also think an undead bisexual vampire would be a step up from ANY of Dexter's love interests so far, be it Rita, Lyla, Lumen, or you-know-who.
Game of Thrones's Joffrey and Modern Family's Hayley
The most spoiled teen king in the kingdom needs a subservient woman who will pander to his every need and spring him an heir from her loins. But we aren't in the market for doing nice things for the biggest jerk on television, so let's pair him up with someone who is just as spoiled as he is: the eldest Dunphy child. Hayley wouldn't take shorts from Joff, and she'd undoubtedly drive him mad with her insubordination. And how about the inevitable family dinners between the Lannisters and the Dunphys? We'd pay good money to watch Luke chase cats around King's Landing with a helm on his head, witness Cam and Mitchell and Renly and Ser Loras make jousting jokes, and see Cersei and Claire throw eye-daggers at each other.
Grimm's Monroe and Once Upon a Time's Ruby
Oh come on! the Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood? Make it happen, crossover episode!
The Vampire Diaries' Damon and American Horror Story's Constance
Few characters can really sell a line of dialogue like The Vampire Diaries' Damon or American Horror Story's Constance. Whether it's eye-acting or melodramatic gesticulations, these two are like drama peas in a drama pod. They ARE both from the South! And sure, there APPEARS to be a bit of an age difference, but think about it: He's 160 years old! If anything, Damon has more in common with Constance than some flighty teenager. Imagine THOSE conversations.
Which imaginary TV couples would you like to see this Valentine's Day?
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