Scoring Ricky Gervais's Golden Globes Hit List

By Seth Abramovitch

Jan 17, 2011

Oh no! Hollywood’s feelings are hurt! Ricky Gervais was mean to everyone at the Golden Globes on Sunday. How dare Ricky Gervais spoil the one time when celebrities are allowed to feel special about themselves, besides the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the People’s Choice Awards, the Latin People’s Choice Awards, the SAG Awards, movie premieres, talk shows, etc.? You get my point. Celebrities will be just fine. They will overcome. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, and like it or not, celebrities were a part of that dream, so can we all just try to get along? Thanks.

Which isn’t to say that Gervais knocked it out of the ballpark. He definitely brought his C-material to that tacky Beverly Hilton ballroom last night. (Note to Hollywood: Enough with the crystals, already. Zsa Zsa Gabor has one leg—decorate accordingly.) Steve Carell summed up a lot of anti-Gervaisian sentiment when he let out a very fake, “HA HA HA. I LOVE IT. NEVER GETS OLD,” in response to Ricky’s jokes about Carell riding his coattails. But overall, I’d give Gervais’s performance an A—as in “A-hole.” You gotta hand it to the pasty little guy. He kept things interesting.

If you missed the show, or just want to relive it in a way that needlessly incorporates math, here’s a scorecard tabulating some of Gervais’s most memorable (i.e. vicious) Golden Globe moments. (NOTE: I’ve employed a statistical system not unlike the one used in Dungeons & Dragons.)

“It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, ‘breakfast.’”

Skill Points: 3
Gervais opened the show with this line, a lazy joke aimed at Hollywood’s easiest target. Forgettable. Bruce Vilanch wouldn’t buy this line a drink if it sidled up to him at a Palm Springs cocktail lounge.

Hit Points: 2
Any Charlie Sheen joke that doesn’t incorporate the phrase “if only dead hookers could talk” should be considered toothless.

Net Damage: 2
Sheen wasn’t at last night’s ceremony, presumably because the
Two and a Half Men star was busy doing cocaine on a trampoline with a topless cheerleading squad. ($1.25 million per episode. Gotta spend it on something!)

“It was a big year for 3-D movies... seems like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist... it must be good, because it’s nominated. So shut up.”

Skill Points: 4
Not particularly clever, but did the trick.

Hit Points: 9 (It’s a 12-sided die, in case you’re wondering.)
This bit took down the two biggest stars in Hollywood, their megaflop that no one saw, and the Hollywood Foreign Press’s beyond-shady nomination practices. A Triple Lindy!

Net Damage: 8
Angelina looked genuinely hurt. Or maybe hungry? Or maybe she was just thinking about adopting more orphans. Come to think of it, her face gives away very little. It’s just a wall of lips and eyeshadow.

“Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then.”

Skill Points: 5
More shocking than actually funny.

Hit Points: 12
Oh. No. Ricky. Didn’t. If there’s one unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Anger the Scientologists. And if there’s a second unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Don’t Call Attention to Closeted Gay Actors. And if there’s a third unspoken rule in Hollywood, it’s Make Your Biggest Hit Movie Over and Over and Over Again Until No One Can Stand the Sight of You Anymore. This joke broke two of the three unspoken Hollywood rules.

Net Damage: 10
Harsh, but like a naughty thought about Zac Efron, it was nothing a few handfuls of vitamins and a good four-hour shvitz couldn’t sweat out of you.

“Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press. That’s nothing! I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in. It was messy.”

Skill Points: 3
The more I think about it, the more Gervais’s material just seems kind of crappy and lazy. Which is maybe the point. His lack of effort in the writing is all part of the “up-yours” theme to his performance. Ricky has the last laugh.

Hit Points: 9
That said, I loved this moment, because who the hell is that Hollywood Foreign Press president guy? A writer for “Galaxie and FilmInk Australia,” according to Eva Longoria. Has anyone ever heard of either of those publications? I had to Google for fifteen minutes before I learned that Galaxie is a celebrity magazine from Malaysia. Good thing those three dopes from Ernst and Young handcuffed themselves to their ballot briefcases! Think of the scandal if a Galaxie contributor’s Golden Globes votes were not properly tabulated. That’s Malaysia’s leading celebrity magazine we’re talking about. They should be afforded the Ernst and Young Royal Handcuff Treatment.

Net Damage: 12
The damage was to Ricky, though. That line pretty much put the final nail in his 2012 Golden Globes casket.

“What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed over three-and-a-half billion dollars at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances, starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Cast Away, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other is Tim Allen.”

Skill Points: 8
Besides the Hugh Hefner pantomime, this was probably Ricky’s funniest moment of the night. It’s funny in its epic meanness. Bonus points for flipping the card over to see if there was anything on the back.

Hit Points: 10
It takes a lot to get the nicest man in Hollywood to turn on you, but this did it. Booo, Ricky Gervais. Mean, mean, mean. (But secretly, yay!)

Net Damage: 10
That said... MAN UP, Tim. You did hard time for possession of a pound-and-a-half of cocaine. Shouldn’t your skin be a little thicker? Loved Toy Story 3, though. To infinity and beyond!

What did you think of Gervais's performance as this year's host?

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  • BrokedownDog Feb 01, 2011

    I think it was GREAT! I just wish he would have been a little "meaner", maybe? It (to me) actually seemed a tad "tame"! Come on, Hollywood ... grow a set (or, in the case of the women, grow a set!), and take it all for what it's worth ... a little bit of entertainment, to a long (and oft-times VERY boring) telecast! Keep on truckin', Gervais!

  • IgnacioDeSaege Jan 31, 2011

    Making Tom Hanks say something not nice about you, it's like the anti-joke version of glory.

  • saraint Jan 24, 2011

    Harsh but fair! A lot of the time he's not funny, but I like these 'observations.' Especially about the Scientologists, because it is so below the belt. My kind of humour I guess. I wish I could have been there!

  • retroman77 Jan 24, 2011

    this is still on, r u kidding me,anyway go Ricky go

  • mousey17 Jan 24, 2011

    I agree with mindmalfunction this guy is a comedian and thats what he does. I dont find him very amusing myself however some people do and thats his job. It was all jokingly delievered and if people are silly enough not to know this then to he$$ with them is what I would say. Who cares..

  • mindmalfunction Jan 24, 2011

    They hired a writer/actor/comedian who makes fun of people to host the globes....and they're upset that he made fun of people? I just don't get the problem.

  • giulianagreen Jan 24, 2011

    Miskolc15, well, first of all you wrote a huge text asking why are people defending Hollywood and attacking Gervais, and yet here you are, defending him and attacking us. Do not generalize your comments to make yourself look better than anyone here, you ARE NOT. I couldn't care less for Hollywood, for everyone attacking or defending them or Gervais. I just thought he was not funny. At all. You had your own opinion about the guy who wrote the article calling his review poorly written. Well, anyway, your opinion. Respect others' opinions as well, maybe you are the one who needs to grow up, coming here and calling simply everyone (but yourself) whiny, idiots and ignorants just because we didn't like Ricky's jokes. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion for whatever reason they might have, like I said, in my case, I don't care about Hollywood's hust feelings, ah, give me a break, I just don't think he was funny. If you liked some of his jokes and thought he was entertaining, good for you, I respect THAT. What I don't respect is you coming here calling everyone who doesn't agree with you an idiot. Get over yourself, learn how to respect others and be respected. "I know your types..." Dude, you think you know people because of some lines they wrote on a discussion board? Haha, that made me laugh out loud! Maybe you should replace Gervais next time, since you are soooo funny and loves insulting people.

  • Miskolc15 Jan 23, 2011

    First of all, to the author of this article, you criticize Ricky for bringing C-material, yet here you are attempting to be funny in this poorly written review using no better than F-material. Just saying, if you\'re talking **** about someones comedy, your jokes should at least be funny, let alone funnier than the comedian in question. Also I\'m just so shocked at all these comments. What is wrong with you people? I didn\'t think his comedy was too great, there were a few jokes I loved, and a lot of lazy poorly put together crap, however it was fun to watch and refreshing! If anything he helped the GG out, because nobody cares about these stupid award shows, they needed someone like this to get people to watch and become interested. And why are all you people so defensive?! At least half the stuff he said was true, and you\'re gonna feel bad for filthy rich actors!?!?!? REALLY?! WOW. Not to mention they all knew what was coming with him. If enough of the actors had a problem with Ricky hosting, they could have come together ahead of time to object and get someone else. Instead of getting so utterly offended by a comedian throwing some cheap shots to some people who can forget all about this obvious horrible event in their lives with a vacation to the Bahamas, 5 star hotels, and luxury most of us will never know, maybe you should get offended by serious problems in the country and run your mouths in a positive way. I\'m sorry but I can\'t let this one go, I just have to say, his final joke, \"I thank god, for making me an atheist.\" That was brilliant. I can not believe all you fanatics are so offended by that... I know your types: holier-than-thou, ignorant, judgmental hypocrites. That was one of the best jokes he had. It\'s a JOKE anyway, why do you have to act like he went and committed murder because he made a joke about your precious \"god\". Or are atheists the scum of the earth? It\'s not offensive, you guys are just going out of your way to act like whiny little brats. CHANGE THE CHANNEL if it\'s so intolerable and just GROW UP. I thought he bombed most of the show, and there were too many cheap shots that suggests he couldn\'t come up with true comedy for the show, but it was entertaining. That\'s who he is, everyone knows his style, the actors knew it, viewers know it. Why are you so surprised? If his material upsets so many of you idiots that you all have to come and make stupid comments here and cry about it, then I would love for him to host every year just to piss you guys off.

  • Xaviersx Jan 23, 2011

    Both sides need their time outs. People can be upset, both sides need to realize that.

  • saxyroro Jan 23, 2011

    I've decided I want to stalk Ricky Gervais. Where is he?

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