The Bachelor and the Fantasy Suite: Like a Virgin

By Lily Sparks

Feb 26, 2013

The Bachelor S17: Week 8 "

The "fantasy suite" date often makes even the most rabid and raunchy Bachelor fan uneasy. The implication is that one guy gets to test drive three women’s sex practices and those women are cool with it, and that’s pretty sordid, even if Chris Harrison himself is doing the hosting (and presumably bringing them breakfast in bed the morning after while wearing a “Kiss the Chef” apron.) It’s not because sex is awful, but because you get the feeling that the remaining women will do anything to get chosen at this point, so there’s a layer of duress.

Of course, with Sean there’s an ambiguity because the rumor is—if you trust US Weekly , and I certainly do, I’d swear on a stack of them if I were ever called to the stand at court—that he be a virgin pure and true, a vanilla-and-gold monument to chastity. So maybe they really did just give each other back rubs and talk about their favorite colors all night long in this season's fantasy suites. But that is somehow even worse?

First thing I want to know is, if Sean is a born-again virgin, then why the f*ck is he working out presumably eight hours a day, mainlining protein powder and shaving his chest and armpits?

But seriously, I was shocked and rocked by the idea of Sean being a virgin, until I quietly thumbed through the magazine in the grocery store and came to understand he is a born-again, “second chance”-style virgin (holla '90s PSAs!). Still, even if he’s only been "celibate" for UM, a DECADE (since college!!!!), is there a doubt in anyone’s mind that once he has sex again he’ll go off on an orgasm bender the likes of which we’ve never seen, taking at least 3-4 years to subside and devastating every orifice in its path? Also, Sean said during Emily’s season that he’d had a girlfriend (post-college) for like, three years. Is she now locked up in insane asylum, teeth chattering, screaming “PENIS PENIS PENIS”?

Clearly I may be thinking about this a little too long and obsessively. I think it’s sad that while we fetishize virginity in women, when men “come out” as virgins we start whispering that they might have windchimes made out of bones hanging all around their house or something. But you know, I didn’t make the world and people have to be read in the context of their times and in our time for a guy who seems this picky about who he dates and this into his appearance to be abstaining from something many of us find as necessary as eating or sleeping, even if taken as a best-case scenario, there’s a proclivity toward self sacrifice that might verge on masochistic. Worst-case scenario, you’ll find yourself in his house looking at a wind chime going “are those knuckle bones?”

Speaking of masochism: Throwing out Gisele Bundchen lookalike AshLee. (How many different spellings of Ashley has The Bachelor blessed us with at this point? Ashlee, Ashly, Ashleigh, Ashelly, AshLee… gross, right?) Call me a sucker for supermodels who love cleaning, but my jaw dropped when Sean gave her the old heave-ho last night. For one thing,such a huge part of her narrative had been trusting him to lead her (the corny blindfold thing, Sean continuing the mind games by making her follow him into a pitch-dark cave in Thailand that was practically screaming “guano in the water”). I loved that she left in a quiet, stormy rage. 

Because if he questioned for even a moment whether he was not going to keep her on to the end, he should have cut her loose immediately. He should have done it the night with the blindfold craziness. To have someone be like “Hey, I have big issues with abandonment and rejection. Please don’t lead me on.” That’s when a PA should have popped out from behind a fern and been like, “Our bad, we should have screened you out in recruitment, you should not be in this environment or going through this process. Follow me to the limo. We’re going to get you out of here right now.” To instead de-rose her in the final ceremony, after what I swear was a three-minute pause, after a big long speech that boiled down to “Have a nice life, reject!” was HARSH. Sean, your heart is as cold as your bed!

I did love that she walked out of there without a word. That’s the only way to do it. I am sort of rooting for her to be the next Bachelorette, she’d be a perfect analog to Sean: insanely gorgeous, aggressively Southern, morally exacting, and she'd absolutely refuse to let anyone, especially a camera, get through her armor.

But until then, we have two candidates: Catherine, who honestly just seems sort of fantastic, and I have a feeling from the conversation with her sisters (she’s NOT ready to settle down) that she’s just in it for the game, and that might be what Sean is ultimately looking for: a partner who will show up to fun events with him after the finale and then they can cheerfully part ways in three months.

And then there’s Lindsay, who broke every rule in the first impressions book by showing up in a wedding dress and demanding that Sean make out with her all, “I’m clean I swear.” According to every rule about ladylike conduct that I learned from the troupe of fairy godmothers who raised me, Lindsay (Lindzi, Lindsay, Lindsey, Lindzee, Lindsy, Lindsi, Lindsy, Lindsiy) should have been out on her ass the first night. Instead they’re feeding monkeys side-by-side. Props to that, girl! And she seems to genuinely love him. But watch out—there might be something hiding in the top window of the alabaster palace we call Sean Lowe. And it’s going to come out when the cameras stop rolling.  


QUESTIONS:

1. Sean being a virgin (kind of): sign of a rigid upbringing, strength of character, or a frightening amount of self-suppression?

2. Team Catherine or Team Lindsay?


 
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  • AriSky Feb 27, 2013

    I have the unfortunate fate to be home while my parents watch this... and it kills another molecule of faith in the human race every week. That said, Team Catherine. She actually seems like a real person, not a party girl or a controlling bitch queen.

  • efonsecajr Feb 27, 2013

    Terrible TV.

  • patsully Feb 27, 2013

    It was only terrible when Tierra was around.

  • RyanWilkins Feb 27, 2013

    Nah, you can count on this crap to be consistently terrible no matter who "stars" in it.

  • etong87 Feb 27, 2013

    Catherine ftw! Lindsay kinda sucks and looks drunk all the time.

  • patsully Feb 27, 2013

    I think because she is!

  • patsully Feb 27, 2013

    Catherine is definitely the least clingy girl in recent Bachelor memory. She's basically the anti-Kacie B.