The Bachelorette: Best. Episode. Ever.

By Lily Sparks

Jun 26, 2012

The Bachelorette S08E07: "Week 7"

Wasn't this the best episode of The Bachelorette ever? Seriously, this was my favorite episode ever. SO MANY WOW MOMENTS. Emily arguing with one of the producers who'd dated her front-running man? And getting a little passive-aggressive with "I'm glad you told me and all but if somebody said from day one, 'Hey, we know each other!' ... I would have just been like, 'Oh he's a great kisser, you missed out!'" (LOL)

I do love the image of Emily hanging out with Cassie and going for martinis and stopping by production offices to favorite headshots during the application process. And what are the odds that Cassie DIDN'T ask Arie to apply? I am pretty convinced she played matchmaker on this one. ("I used to date a guy who's into racing. Wow he'd be perfect for Emily. Do I still have his number in my phone?" etc.) Also, there has to be some statute of limitations on having to mention you dated a guy? Although if this producer has been Emily's point person throughout the season, maybe the idea she's been standing there directing cameramen during Emily and Arie's slow-motion make-out sessions is what is weirding Emily out (it would weird the hell out of me).

With the legions of himboes involved in this now decades-old franchise, you'd think it would be impossible for the production staff to not at some point get all six-degrees-of-separation-ed with at least one of the contestants. And as we saw with Rozlyn Papa's rumored tryst with a producer, the producers and contestants spend a LOT of time together. (Rozlyn described the producer coming to her house to film her introduction video, a segment maybe thirty seconds long, and staying for several days.)

All I know is that when we need Chris Harrison to step out from behind a fountain and explain what the hell just happened twice in one episode, things are falling to pieces behind the scenes. In the best way! The "very honest" conversation that seemed to smooth everything over like hot butter was not captured on camera. (Cassie pulled HELLA RANK on that one!) Emily was possibly MORE into Arie at the end of their date on the dinner-boat after this super-secret conversation, and I know EXACTLY how that ish went down. PLEASE leave your fan-fiction version in comments. Here is mine:

So that was the first great moment of the episode. The second and arguably JUST-as-great moment, which still gives me chills when I think about it, was Shaun jogging through the streets of old-town Prague to find Emily.

When I watch this show, the LAST thing I expect to feel is romance. Schadenfreude, intrigue, shrewd snap judgements...these be my companions when I sit down for The Bachelorette. And even though I still think Shaun is legit cult-leader crazy, something about him running through the streets screaming Emily's name and finding her and then crushing her in his big, blonde hands like a romance novel cover: INTENSE. Seriously romantic.

Seriously would love to re-enact that moment with my own beau. Emily did seem kind of overwhelmed by the gesture. Their impromptu date of just getting beers and making out in an alley was authentic and very romantic. It felt cinematic in a way all the show's helicopters, puppet shows, and extreme sports never actually have.

The third cool moment was Jef saying "I want to marry the f-ck out of you." in the Beauty and the Beast library.

Hilarious. Between Emily's fringed booties and their super-whimsical puppet show, I get the sense Emily is trying to be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl a hipster guy would yearn to attain. Like, how Garden State is acting out the first time you met (three weeks ago) with intricately carved puppets? It was a little weird (was I the only one expecting the puppets to start sensuously humping each other like Team America?) but then they crumpled up on the floor together like a pair of teens and Jef pulled ahead in my heart. (Sorry Cassie! But Emily is so GIDDY around Jef. It's adorbs.)

This season has these moments of intensity and romance because I think the guys are honestly smitten with Emily, which raises the stakes all around. It cuts both ways, though, as Chris's near nervous-breakdown proved. This poor hunk was fretting and pinching pillows and sulking on window seats and being super antagonistic on the group date. LOSING HIS COOL. We haven't seen the guys mentally dissolve like this before because I'd argue we haven't seen them so engaged so early, because this:

Like, the hotness. This process can barely handle people actually being invested in it. As a mode for establishing human courtship, it's a hateful crucible. Genuinely competing for a single gorgeous lady is kind of the worst possible situation for the guys involved when it's real. Feel for you, Chris.

I do NOT feel for John Wolf, who just ragged on his ex super-bitterly. Yeesh, what an angry beeyotch. That he went back to the guys and described the date as a 10 out of 10 is either him trying to psych them out or he's seriously delusional. What's the plan for the next date, you read aloud from your diary about your parents fighting? Self-pity is NOT attractive. Opening up does not necessarily mean confessing you "called up the prisons" when your girlfriend stepped out on you "a week after our year anniversary." What a man-spinster. And who was he dating that when she went missing for a couple hours he called the PRISONS!?!?! LOL.

Doug got cut loose at the castle date, and he almost made it out of there with his dignity fully intact, but then he went in for an all-or-nothing kiss and came back with nothing. You could see his manful heart peeing its pants in shame after that moment. It's okay, Doug. We would never judge a man for trying his hardest, and that's all that inappropriate, awkward kiss was. A last-ditch attempt at chemistry. "Only God can make a tree" and the same is true of that certain sparkle between partners. Don't bite a spoon in half on the way home.

Hometown dates are next week, and frankly I could NOT be more excited with the contestants Emily has parsed out. I've been Arie FTW since the season began but Jef has grown on me. Yes, he talks like Galgamatron, Intergalactic Explorer who is New to Emotions, but he's VERY good at manipulating puppets and he brings out a side of Emily the other guys don't. Also, Shaun, you are crazy but sometimes crazy spills into crazy romantic and you definitely crossed the line into Dreamboat territory this week. Choices, choices, Emily!! Better have another margarita hour with Cassie and get the down-low.


… The Cassie-Arie-Emily conversation: What is your version of what went down?

… Cassie and Arie: What are your theories on how that relationship went?

… Would you be angry if a co-worker didn't tell you the new guy you were dating had briefly dated her?

… Shaun: Did he win you over with his desperate run through the streets?

… Jef: Mormon or not Mormon? Kind of sounds like his parents are on a mission to S. Carolina, he's waaay into starting a family, yet he drinks and swears. I still say Mormon. YOU?

… Whose hometown date are you looking forward to most?

  • Comments (15)
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  • blaine101 Jun 29, 2012

    Anyone catch the hometown teasers for next week? Looks like Arie's Dutch family likes to welcome guests to their home by speaking their own language to each other without regard to anyone else present who doesn't speak it. That would have been a dealbreaker right off the bat. Our family lived 2 years in Pakistan & have been all over the world and for most kind people, they would never have treated a guest that way. Really vulgar, actually.

  • christieg77 Jun 28, 2012

    Was anyone else totally turned off by Chris after this ep? GAWD I got so tired of his whining and huffing and moping... and obviously the other guys got tired of it too - "what would be worse, his getting the rose or not getting the rose..." Maybe I'm being too insensitive and we know Emily is hot as hell but geez man get your shit together and act like a man! I was hoping she'd send him home despite his plea.

    And p.s. Jef - um am I the only one that thought he might be gay?

  • citizens13 Jun 29, 2012

    Yes, I was totally turned off by Chris after this episode, but then again I've never really seen what Emily sees in him anyway. Hopefully, she'll put him out of his misery next week. Jef, gay? No!!! Virgin? Absolutely.

  • blaine101 Jun 28, 2012

    Yes to both questions! I think with Chris it's a maturity thing, but it's a little controlling, too, given that Emily's in a tight spot with the group dates. Guilting her and "demanding explanations" is not the way to win the girl's heart. I would have given him the boot (and spongebob wolfpants, too) this week.

    As to Jef, I just don't see that working out ...

  • citizens13 Jun 28, 2012

    Lily your recaps are the absolute best. I'm so glad that you thought the library reminded you of beauty and the best too.

    1.) I can't compete will your version. It was pretty awesome and seems pretty accurate. 2). I'm guessing they dated for like a month. They weren't compatible chemistry wise and called it quits. 3). Not, when it happened like 11 years ago. 4). Shaun won me over a little bit, but I kept thinking it would be so hilarious if he couldn't find her. 5). I'm thinking Jef is Mormon, but probably not a strictly practicing Mormon. 5). Arie's hometown. For some reason, I can't picture his family. Anyways, got to say even though Arie's been my front runner the whole time, Jef kind of pulled ahead in this episode. I'm smitten. If him and Arie are the final two, I don't know what I'm going to do.

  • FlorBlyth Jun 27, 2012

    OMG!! This show! The guys are loosing their minds and their cools over Emily; I haven't seen many Bachelor/ette seasons, but this one by far has been the most entertaining to me, and IMO, the most real. I feel like they really WANT her, and I bet she feel's that too. Must be incredibly overwhelming to be Emily right now (or a few months ago).

    1. LOL's @ ur version... I think it went pretty close to that.

    2. They dated almost 10 yrs ago right? Arie was VERY young, she looks in her 40's, so prolly he was into experimenting with older women, they went out a couple of times and realized that he was too young, she needed a man, and they parted ways... no biggie.

    2. I actually once were "Cassie" when I was in College. Met and dated a guy during summer, didn't worked out, went back to our lives, he moved to my city and a few months later we met again at a party, he was with a friend of mine and told me he was dating her, as if "informing" me that he was unavailable, lol; so as the night went I found time to chat with her and in a very nonchalant way told her about "our" summer. I just wanted it off the way cause it felt awkward, but apparentely she didn't think it was ok because they broke up the week after. Was it cause I said it to her? I'm sure I will never know. Angry gurls :D

    4. Shaun.. aghhh, I like the guy, but that street search felt soooo staged and forced. Lost point with me. Looks like he is trying too hard. No like it.

    5. Maybe a non practicing mormon. Like me, born and raised in a Catholic family, but never fully drank the kool-aid, just taste it enough to make family happy. In other words, a professional religious hypocrite.

    6. Arie because he is MY choice; I want to know more about im and his background, I wanna see who he is around family and friends. And Jeff because the guy is a puzzle, I still can't figure him out, and of course ot answer the question: mormon or not?

  • LilyRoRoSparks Jun 28, 2012

    So my husband solved this mystery, with this article. Jef describes himself as "half mormon" and his parents are TOTALLY ON A MISSION!!!

    As to Shaun- probably totally, totally staged (like, once they saw him run out the door they radio'd Emily's handlers to place her at teh end of the alley) yet I can't help it, it got to me. I spend even movies like the Notebook cackling evilly at the actors so when earnestness blooms in my heart, I take it and run with it, like a reality show boyfriend running with a mic pac. Sigh.

  • skyermay00 Jun 27, 2012

    1. I liked you version a lot too but I feel like in actuality in involved a ton more slow motion making out. I mean look who you're talking about.

    2. They probably had one coffee date literally ten years ago, and in some reality show universe that counts as "dating."

    3. yes and no depending on how close of friends we were and how long they had dated.

    4. Not at all. He seemed crazy. I was glad no locals were around cause that just makes all Americans look like jack asses.

    5. Being that I live in Salt Lake and know many Mormon people, I feel like I can comment on this with some level of insight. Jef's family is 100% Mormon. His parents and younger brother are definitely on missions, however that does not mean he still necessarily believes in or considers himself a Mormon. He was probably baptized and went on his own mission when he was 19. When he got back at age 21 he realized that the church wasn't for him. It is very important to Mormons to get married in the Temple and I don't think if he was still active in the church he would go on a show to marry a women who would not marry him in the Temple. This issue alone would be a huge strain on their relationship.

    6 Arie, he is my favorite, so I of course am looking forward to his hometown the most.

    Love you recaps. I was skeptical when you said that Emily would make the best bachelorette, but I stand corrected. She is much more real than she appeared in the Bachelor and this is my favorite season of either show thus far. And yeah who calls prisons? That is exactly what i was wondering.

  • LilyRoRoSparks Jun 28, 2012

    Yes I posted a link above, Jef is not practicing at this time but considers "faith a priority" Emily is Evangelical Christian I believe? Hopefully they can work it out between the two of them...I doubt Arie would be any more compatible in terms of religion.

  • lamppostslight Jun 27, 2012

    Lily, I must tell you that I look forward to your recaps as much as the show. So hilarious.

    1. TOTALLY loved your version. I literally laughed out loud, and then had to explain it to my boyfriend.

    2. Clearly it didn't go so well, but I do suspect that the producer played matchmaker.

    3. Probably, yes, especially if we were becoming friends, and/or I had mentioned said co-worker to the guy. It would make sense for him to say, "Oh, yeah, I know her. We used to date." Most shockingly, though, I did think Emily and Arie appeared to handle the situation like reasonable people, unlike most reality show stars. Also, I loved seeing Emily unedited in her conversation with Cassie. It was cool to see that she appears just as genuine when she's unedited.

    4. Nope. I like him, but not as much as some of the other guys. It did feel staged. Why else would he run through the (empty) streets calling her name, especially when the producers obviously knew where she was?

    5. Definitely Mormon. We don't know for sure that he drinks, right? He could be drinking anything.

    6. I don't know. Probably Jef because I feel like I still need more insight into who he is.

  • LilyRoRoSparks Jun 28, 2012

    That honestly makes my day. Thank you so much. I agree seeing Emily getting real was awesome...we've seen her drop her filter before (snapping at Kalen) and every time it happens I love her more.

  • lamppostslight Jun 28, 2012

    Agreed! She is easily my favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette. Also, I just want to be her friend!

  • DeannaBarton Jun 27, 2012

    1. Ditto blaine101's reponse.

    2. I can't see Arie dating Cassie. A dream of Cassie's?. Arie was truthful in "I've no secrets."

    3. I wouldn't want to know. I know how both my curiosity & imagination. I'd ask her too many Q's and wonder if I'd believe all she told.

    4. I liked that Sean went looking for her... but it seemed too staged to me.

    5. Ditto blaine101's comments. My feelings exactly!

    6. Chris. I'm wondering if the entire family will resemble (like IMO Chris does)

    Clark Griswald's Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid in "Vacation").

  • LilyRoRoSparks Jun 28, 2012

    1. Thank you Deanna!!!

    Cannot WAIT to see this batch of families!! I feel like Chris will be the tallest guy in his family and Shaun's mom and dad will be almost scared of him, if not carbon copies of him.But I mostly just love seeing other people's kitchens. :D

  • blaine101 Jun 27, 2012

    - CAE conversation: your version was so perfect I am so not going to touch it!

    - I'm looking at Cassie, I'm looking at Arie and I just don't think he would bang that. Sorry Cassie.

    - No I wouldn't be angry if my co-worker didn't tell me she'd dated my guy - but she might get a little surprise in her chocolate birthday cake.

    - Sean's run through the streets was sweet, but I could just hear the pa on the walkie talkie : "cue emily, enter creepy alleyway & do not answer Sean's question about why she's walking home by herself so late at night ... "

    - Jef: he's a BAAABY! It's obvious his family is skull-deep in Mormonism, so it doesn't matter that he swears & drinks now. By the time he's 30, he'll have returned to that roost, trust me. There will be no merriment, just mormonment, in that household. There will be no girls' nights out, god forbid they miss a whole day at church and I seriously can't imagine Emily in dungarees on a mission to muck out a new well in south africa. Not without a glass of wine, anyway, sheesh.

    - Jef's hometown date of course.