In Honor of Reign's Shortened Self-love Session: TV's Best Masturbation Moments
The CW's brand-new-yet-totally-old drama Reign hits televisions this week. But online chatter leading up to the premiere of this ridiculously fun (and somewhat awful) teen drama disguised as historical fan-fiction hasn't really focused on the fact that somehow, some way, The CW greenlit a series about the very legit historical figure of Mary Queen of Scots. Instead, the focus has been on masturbating!
See, there was a scene in the original pilot (which was sent out to critics several months ago) where one of Mary's lady buddies peeped on a "bedding ceremony," a.k.a. two royals f*cking while being watched by some pervy elders to ensure that the bloodline remained pure. Well, Mary's friend found the tradition so titillating that she just couldn't help herself, and only made it halfway to her room before putting her hand in her pants and doing some self-exploration. The scene, which I have seen 5,391 times, bothered The CW enough that the network cut it down for the final broadcast version. Now it merely implies that the character is going to town on herself.
But in the spirit of healthy living and less grumpiness, we figured we'd counter The CW's prudishness with some outright lonely lasciviousness and celebrate some of television's great moments of masturbation.
No discussion of small-screen masturbation can even take place without a mention of the classic Seinfeld episode "The Contest," where Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine competed to see who could be "master of their domain," a.k.a. stop selfishly sexually pleasuring themselves. Just picture what George Costanza yanking it or a Kramer orgasm looks like. You're welcome!
Back in Season 1—and stuck with boring lay Charlie—Girls' Marnie got a hot talking-to from a sexy artist dude and it set her crotch on fire, so she retreated to a washroom to scratch some itch. And the internet went wild! Who knows what would have happened if this scene was written for the very un-shy Hannah.
As the poster
child old man for self-inflicted penile abuse, Louie's Louie has no problem talking about the act in a public forum. Not even one as public as Fox News, via a debate with an anti-masturbation pundit. Lady, trust me, you are NOT going to win this fight.
In one of those classic "I <3 Supernatural" moments, Sam and Dean ended up in a weird town where some kid was bending the rules of logic with his own childish beliefs because he was the Antichrist. Old wives' tales started to come true, as Dean found out first-hand.*
* Official runner-up, TV.com Wordplay awards.
American Horror Story
Possibly my favorite self-satisfaction scene of all time, this was the 48th moment in American Horror Story's first few episodes that made me say, "Umm, What?" Dylan McDermott's Ben, a totally horny skeezball, looked out his office window and spied on someone while letting loose on an innocent piece of office furniture. And then he cried. A fairly standard sesh that wasn't abnormal at all, right guys? Guys? Hello?
Sons of Anarchy
Back when Otto had a tongue, Tara was helping out the club by talking to him while he was incarcerated. One of Otto's requests was for her to bring in the perfume his old lady used to wear, and after a sniff, Otto went into Otto-matic mode while Tara had to stand there uncomfortably and watch him crysturbate. Later in the episode, Tara went home and took a whiff of the perfume herself, and decided that right then and there was a great time to interpretively reenact an old Divinyls song. The truth behind this odd two-fer remains one of the series' biggest questions to date. Just what the hell was in that perfume, and how do I get some? (And let's not forget about Chucky's chronic problem, which led
the club a Chinese triad to cut off all his fingers except his two pointers. Apologies for the error; SAMCRO would never do something as horrible as that since they're such saints!)
Orange Is the New Black
The king of on-screen jackin'-it returned to show us why the king is still the king when Jason Biggs practiced "edging" in Netflix's Orange Is the New Black for an article he was writing. I'll have you know all I did to research this story was some Googling, and that's not a euphemism.
As David Byrne once sang, "The less we talk about it the better." Sally Draper got caught playing with herself while watching The Man From U.N.C.L.E., and even though I have not seen this episode or this scene, I already feel like turning myself into the authorities.
The Big Bang Theory
What's better than dead-arming it? ROBOT ARMING IT. But using technology as an aid can come with dangerous unintended consequences, as Wolowitz found out.
Gross. Just plain gross.
For further reading on this matter, check out Time's James Poniewozik's piece on the hypocrisy of television to okay sex but tsk-tsk masturbation.
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