's Swell-o-vision vs. Hell-o-vision (September 16)

By Staff

Sep 17, 2011

We know most shows don't make their debuts until next week, but Sort-Of Premiere Week gave us plenty of things to like and dislike over the past 6.94 days. So here's our super-sized Sort-Of Premiere Week edition of "Swell/Hell," as we call it around the office.


... Top Chef Just Desserts' "Pure Imagination" episode
This week's challenge had just about everything a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory fan could want, from the original cast (hi, Veruca Salt!) to an edible wonderland. And, fittingly, there was some sweet comeuppance, as underdog Katzie took it all with her whimsical carrot patch.

... Survivor's Mark "Papa Bear" Caruso
Somehow his nickname became "Papa Bear" by the end of the episode, but that's not exactly what this openly gay, retired NYPD detective was really talking about when he called himself a "daddy bear" during the tribe meet n' greet. Love him! And in general, what a spunky cast: lots of new favorites, not that we don't love our old favorites. Every word that comes out of Coach's mouth is like honey drizzled on our ears.

... Eddie Schweighardt, a.k.a. Greg the Gay Kid on Curb Your Enthusiasm
He minced his way into our hearts.

... Bravo's firing of three of the Real Housewives of New York City
If they don't have a show, do they cease to exist? Also, how do you get fired from a job in which you basically do nothing but be yourself? We hope they get unemployment and a sweet severance package. Preferably the severing of their heads.

... The amazing badness of Ringer
We argued with ourselves in the mirror about whether or not Ringer should be in the Swell section or the Hell section this week, and decided to put it here because we're already excited to see what disasters disasterize next week.

... SAMCRO's new enemy, Linc
The newest Sons of Anarchy lawman is part stoner kindergarten art teacher, part ruthless government U.S. Attorney, and all chocolate-milk drinker. What a frickin' awesome weirdo.

... Millionaire Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
In an effort to hook up Frank with his sloppy seconds, Charlie put on a giant hat and a crappy Texan accent to take an unsuspecting ladyfriend out for a limo ride. And then he projectile-vomited blood. You either loved it or hated it, and if you hated it, you need to go see an opinion doctor.

... The Shocking finale of True Blood
For four seasons everyone know that Tara was a useless character who should probably be killed off, but the second it actually happened we kind of started to miss her. Get well soon, Tara! (Maybe she can be a zombie?)


... Whatever "Snap On Feathers" are
Apparently these are a trend, because this commercial aired during Jersey Shore on Thursday. "Strut your plumage for a favorite team!" says the announcer. Somewhere, a cold bird with no feathers is hoping you enjoy your fad.

... Everything H8R
What *%$ is this &%$ that's &*#%ing $#@$ on my TV?

... CBS's Whitney billboards
We realize the show hasn't even premiered yet, and that these billboards have been out forever, but we've reached our breaking point. (Though they ARE perfect for defacing.)

... The boring Bachelor Pad finale
How shocked was Michael when he found out in front of a live studio audience that Holly is now engaged to Blake? Was he even surprised? We're guessing not really, because he handled his reaction like a pro, with a funny-but-earnest, Jim Carrey-like awkwardness that was way too cute to not be planned.

... Torchwood: Miracle Day's limp to the end
Lots of promise devolved into complete disaster as we discovered that The Blessing had caused The Miracle all out of kindness. Whaaaaaaa? The giant vagina at the center of the Earth likes us?

... The CW's "TV to Bing About" campaign
What a truly embarrassing product placement that's been smeared all over The CW's increasingly respectable lineup. Plus, are we sure Bing even exists? Have you ever met someone who actually uses it?

What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?

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  • alcalde Sep 19, 2011

    Well, I'd never seen an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm before, and now I know I haven't missed anything. When critics are recommending gay/Jew "jokes" (not that there was a punchline) and projectile-vomiting blood (in a non-horror show) maybe they're a bit out of touch. There's a reason these shows are relegated to obscure cable presences and garner a 0.0001 A18-49 rating.

  • KevinG87 Sep 18, 2011

    the Bing stuff is hilarious.. and i hope Tara doesn't die, i like her as a character, the writers just like to muck up her life and give her complete crap storylines.

    I finally watched all 10 episodes of Torchwood (i had been waiting for it to finish).. overall, i liked it, but there's a strong chance that's just because i've watched Torchwood since season 1 years ago. the first 8.5 episodes were good, but the last 1.5 suuuucked. it was obvious Rex wasn't going to die, but i wish he had. can't stand that character.. Esther was so much better and they killed her off? wtf! but glad that Charlotte got what was coming to her, i blame her for Esther's death. and the Blessing - mother earth's vagina? what?! whatever! Torchwood is a show about aliens, not terestrial crap.. COPOUTCOPOUTCOPOUT! i hope Starz/BBC renews it though, i'll watch anything as long as Captain Jack and Gwen are along for the ride. maybe if they don't, whenever Amy Pond leaves the TARDIS, Jack can go back and take Gwen :p

  • pabloibarra_316 Sep 18, 2011

    i loved the pre-gay kid on curb and mike fox

  • lalaforever1989 Sep 18, 2011

    Should I feel bad that as a girl myself, all I want Whitney Cummings to do is say something funny, or get the fuck off my television screen? No? Ok good because seriously this broad is my messing with my touch me schedule.

  • Arch_Angel88 Sep 18, 2011

    I'm pretty sure Bing is just a Greek myth.

  • skirk10 Sep 18, 2011

    that whitney commercial where she talks about why guys wear football jerseys makes me want to catheterize myself

  • vicbjones Sep 18, 2011

    The ending of Torchwood: Miracle Day wasn't great, but disaster is way too strong a description. In fact, SPOILER! SPOILER! Bill Pullman's chilling rant about Hell being where all the bad little girls go and his coming after his last victim just before he pushes the button rates a swell from me. If there's a TV purgatory, Jimmy Fallon's cameo on The Colbert Report was funny in places, but awkward overall, and who else is getting tired of the Community plugs on The Soup?

  • alfridavella Sep 18, 2011

    Agree with you the Ringer was a disaster but Torchwood I liked the ending and Sons of anarchy wow :D

  • TrevPlatt Sep 17, 2011

    Just watched the Whitney pilot. Half an hour of my life wasted, it was crap, as predicted. I was a little disappointed with Up All Night too.

  • Whedonrules Sep 17, 2011

    If that scene from "Curb" would have been on a network show, the Parent Teacher Counsels' heads would have exploded. And that would have been just fine with me.

    "Its Always Sunny" was so hilarious, I bet it even gave Tiger Woods a reason to just forget all his troubles and laugh. (And thanks to F/X for the brief return of "Archer" as well, although this three part episode is certainly going to make the wait for its actual return much more painful when its over. It also made you wonder why the hec the Emmy Academy imbeciles didn't nominate Jessica Walter for best voice actor. Mallory Archer is turning out to be every bit as great a character as Lucille Bluth and its all in the way the brilliant comedic actress delivers her lines in character.)

  • TrevPlatt Sep 17, 2011

    I agree with you regarding Jessica Walters she's been brilliant on Archer, to be fair though the whole cast has been brilliant.

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