Family Values

Trivia, Quotes, Notes and Allusions

Quotes (25)

  • Nan Wise: How your family looks is your business. We're husband, wife and children...and other people who love us and who we love. Can you explain to me WHY that's not okay?
    Penn: NO WE CAN'T! We envisioned a world where your life is YOURS. You make your own choices about what and WHO you like to do. Gay, straight, lesbian, bi...what the h*ll business is that of mine or the government's? We want you to all live happily ever after, do whatever the f*ck you want!

  • Richard Cohen: (describing an aspect of his technique) It's...the law of Physics!
    Penn: (in voiceover) PHYSICS?? Oh yeah, right, it's "Newton's First Law of D*ck Motion". A d*ck in motion stays in motion, a d*ck at rest...well you know.

  • Richard Cohen: Some people said "You're born this way, accept it, this is who you are.". And I knew that was a bunch of malarkey. I KNEW it wasn't how I was born. I knew I was destined to have a wife and children.
    Penn: (in voiceover) And Teller and I were destined to be cowboys...we're such f*ckups...

  • Penn: The answer to every question I ask is going to be "D*ck*. (Teller holds up a sign with "D*ck" on it) Are you following me?
    Crew: (in unison, offscreen) D*CK!
    Penn: Uh, what's the name of the PSYCHOtherapist, say it loud...
    Crew: (in unison, offscreen) D*CK!
    Penn: ...who was expelled from the American Counseling Association for violations of its Code of Ethics?
    Crew: (in unison, offscreen) D*CK!
    Penn: What scientific evidence is there that sexual preference can be changed through counseling?
    Crew: (in unison, offscreen) D*CK!
    Penn: Okay then. (Teller turns sign to reveal a drawing of a d*ck)

  • Penn: (in voiceover) Dr. Gartrell's study only uncovered ONE disturbing side effect for kids with gay parents...other than loving all the shows on Bravo.
    Nanette Gartrell: By the age of 10, about half of them have experienced what they describe as homophobia.
    Penn: (in voiceover) SO, the only negative to having same-sex parents...is the bigotry of OTHER PEOPLE.

  • Nanette Gartrell: I have an enormously well-founded, long-term study that has been going on for 18 years, and there are studies in Europe as well. Um...the papers have been published, and, uh, all I can say is that Brian Brown is not doing his research.

  • Brian Brown: Because homosexual parenting is such a new phenomenon, we do not have longitudinal studies with large groups to look at! They just don't exist.
    Nanette Gartrell: Brian Brown is COMPLETELY inaccurate in making a statement that longitudinal studies of lesbian families don't exist.
    Penn: (in voiceover) Ouch...cut his d*ck off, why don't you?

  • Penn: (in voiceover about a lesbian couple) These two moms aren't ruining their kids lives! They're watching them draw pictures, helping them with their homework, reading to them. NOW they're rinsing lettuce! Not all straight parents rinse lettuce!
    Brian Brown: Marriage isn't a salad bar!
    Penn: (in voiceover) Oh shut up.

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Trivia (2)

  • The full list of people and/or things that end up in bed with Penn at various times over the course of the episode: three women, two ducks, a woman in Victorian dress, a waiter, a woman dressed as Jeannie from "I Dream of Jeannie", Teller, a person in a gorilla costume, a George W. Bush lookalike, and a female scientist.

  • Of the things mentioned in the opening tease, Penn and Teller do discuss the Loch Ness Monster (and, by proxy though not explicitly, unicorns) in their Cryptozoology episode and technically discuss Satan in their Exorcisms episode.