Real Time With Bill Maher

Trivia, Quotes, Notes and Allusions

Quotes (581)

  • Bill Maher: But, you know, I read an interesting thing about Liberia. It was founded by freed American slaves in the 19th century. And you'd think when they got back to Africa they would not have carried the same sort of baggage that they found in America. But they actually lorded it over the natives there. They were almost as bad to the natives in Africa as they had been treated in America. Which to me says that slavery is not about race but about power.

  • D.L. Hughley: I think I finally understand our foreign policy. We will attack no country Halliburton Oil can't make money off of. That's the deal.

  • Bill Maher: But Reverend, you know - you know what people are saying here, which is, we tried this in Africa before, in Somalia, and look what happened there. We didn't accomplish the mission and we lost troops. Why is it going to work in Liberia if it didn't in Somalia? Al Sharpton: Well, I think, first of all, you have a situation here where all of the parties are asking us to come in. Second, it's not working not going in. You have people stacking dead bodies in front of the U.S. Embassy two days ago while we were in Ghana, begging for us to come in. Third, we have responsibility in Liberia. Let's not forget the United States backed Samuel Kado [sp]. We made arrangements with Taylor. We have businesses that have used the rubber and the timber. We can't act like we don't have a reason to be involved. We use Liberia for a strategic base. So you can't help a country go down and then say we're not going to do anything to make it come up. We have troops surrounding Liberia. We can take 500 of them, have them join the West African nations - not go ahead of them, join them as a peace-keeping force, to go in and make sure food and medical supplies come through.

  • Bob Graham: Let me tell you as an example of what the lack of communication meant: in December of 1999, there was a summit - a summit of terrorists held in Malaysia. The CIA was aware of that. They covered it. They took pictures of the participants. They knew that two of those people at this summit were going to come to the United States. What they didn't do was tell anybody. They didn't tell the Immigration Service, so they could have been picked up at the airport in Los Angeles. They didn't tell the FBI so that they could have put surveillance on these people. So these two individuals came to the United States in January of 2000, and living under the cover and with the support of the unnamed foreign government, were able to hide themselves while they planned, practiced and finally executed one of the most horrific acts against the people of the United States in our history.

  • Bill Maher: New Rule: Everyone has to stop pretending that Woody Allen movies don't completely suck. Now, I saw his latest efforts on cable last weekend. Hollywood stars must stop pretending that it's an honor to appear in this unwatchable, recycled tripe. Critics have to stop pretending that a tiny, old Jew could be scoring with Tea Leoni and Helen Hunt. Somebody contact wardrobe. The emperor has no clothes. New Rule: Pat Robertson is insane. Just because he smiles and wears a nice suit doesn't mean he's any less of a wack-job than all those wild-eyed, urine-stained nutbags who babble on street corners about Jesus through a bullhorn. And he's getting desperate, because after you've agreed that the purple Teletubby is gay, where do you go? It's like Madonna. When she needs attention, she has to keep upping the ante. In a year or two, she'll have nothing left to do but "anal," and by then, no one will care except Pat Robertson. New Rule: Get the Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore breakup over now! Why wait until it happens? I already don't give a shit! Let's just pretend - let's just pretend we've already printed those issues of US weekly, and people have read them and thrown them away. And while we're at it, let's also pretend we've already heard Joe Lieberman drop out. And finally, New Rule: No do-overs. Once you elect an official, unless he runs off with public funds or gets caught with kiddie-porn, you're stuck with him. He's the governor, not some dude you married in Las Vegas. Now, what is going on here in California, if you're lucky enough not to have been following this, is that the economy turned, so we're getting rid of the governor. But what if we drive him out of office and the economy still doesn't get better? I guess we'll have to burn him. And if that doesn't work, we'll kill his dog. Yes, in baseball, when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don't fire him because it rains. And you don't fire him between innings and replace him with a Viennese weightlifter. Here's why the economy turned. The dot-com bubble burst. Obviously on the orders of Gray Davis. The airline industry collapsed. Just as Gray Davis planned. We fought two wars overseas, playing right into Gray Davis' hands. And Dick Cheney's friends at Enron gamed the energy market and ripped the state off for billions. So you can see the problem: Gray Davis. And the obvious solution? A Viennese weightlifter. Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Finally a candidate who can explain the administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German. Not that I'm saying I love Gray Davis. Being enthusiastic about Gray Davis would be like saying your favorite food is straw. But he fought for his country in Vietnam and won a fair election. And he's entitled to his term. Maybe he's a crappy governor, but he was the one elected by voters who bothered to show up at the polls. Their efforts should not be undone by disgruntled shoppers signing a petition on their way out of Target. Look, there's still a lot of Democrats with sour grapes over the last presidential election. But they're not collecting petitions to replace George Bush with Bernie Mac! So while we're trying to export representative democracy to Baghdad, it's time we started believing it in Brentwood. Because that -[mock choking up]-my fellow Americans, is what Jessica Lynch was fighting for!!

  • Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop showing us pictures of Uday and Qusai, starring in "CSI: Mossul." Maybe the Iraqis don't believe it, but we do. The Rosotto Brothers are dead. If I want to see footage of two lifeless, hideous corpses, I'll watch "Access Hollywood's" coverage of Liza's breakup. New Rule: Cut the schnizzle. We all know it's hilarious when white people, especially old ladies, talk "street" on TV. But early reports indicate that every single network sitcom this season will feature at least one eight-year-old kid saying, "schnizzle." Attention all real rappers: you have guns for a reason. Use them. New Rule: Stop leaving messages on my answering machine saying, "It's me." I already have a "me" in my life - me! And frankly, if we were that close, I'd have given you the number to the phone that I answer. And finally‚Ķ New Rule: Terrorist organizations can't also be charities. You can't spend half your time building hospitals and schools, and half your time blowing them up. For one thing, it will confuse President Bush. Who will know if you're with us, against us, or faith based? Now, as the recent long-awaited report on 9/11 made clear, especially if you can read through the black Sharpie, claiming you're a charitable organization is second only to saying "religion," when you want to make people lay down and let you get away with something criminal. People like the Saudis can get away with giving money to people like Hamas, by saying, "Hey, they're a charity, too." Yeah, "Habitat for Inhumanity." Groups like Hamas say, don't judge us, because besides bombing and murder, we also provide valuable community services. Yes, and McDonald's has salads now, it doesn't make them a health food restaurant. It's like how John Gotti's neighborhood in Queens loved him because he threw a nice block party. You can't claim you're part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation if the wish is always to drive every Jew in the world into the sea. Mothers Against Drunk Driving can't also be a ring of call girls. Although I think we've all heard the rumors. The point is, you can't do and be everything at the same time. That's why President Bush always waits a week between wars before he proposes another tax cut for the rich. Far too many Muslims in the world feeding children and knocking down the World Trade Center can both be considered good works. And that's how Hamas stays in business. But we and the rest of the world don't have to buy into this insane contradiction. If we don't take a stand now, people will come to believe Hamas really is a legitimate charity. And then we'll start getting come-ons from them in the mail. And Pam Anderson will have to start showing up at their fundraisers with her tits hanging out. No one wants to see Joan Rivers on the red carpet with Yasser Arafat. So, come on, we broke up the phone companies. Can't we separate charity from bad ass murder club? Wouldn't that be a start? And if we can accomplish that, then I predict that one day in the future, when Palestinians and Jews are living side by side in harmony, all of us sitting here today will have been dead for 1200 years!

  • Tara Setmayer: Well, I think that if the - here is the - this is democracy in its purest form, whether you agree or disagree with that, this is the truth, since 1911, we've had 15 - the governors here in California, this is the first one under recall. And you have - you only needed 800,00 signatures, you got 1.6 million signatures. I think that, you know, it's encouraging to me to see this much civic participation. I mean, the guy - seriously. This is a country where you have the lowest amount of voter turnout, and people said, you know what, we are $38 billion in debt, and it's time for a change. He misrepresented the situation and we want to change and it's allowable.

  • Leticia Van de Putte: Well as you know, redistricting, or what they call reapportionment, is done only once every ten years, after the census. And so our legislature failed to do the redistricting in the 2001 legislative session because Republicans blocked the efforts under normal rules which we operate. Went to a judge panel, Republican panel, upheld by the Supreme Court, so our lines are legal. Now what has happened since then is the State has now turned totally Republican, and they tried redistricting in the first regular session, under normal rules, and they failed. So then they tried it in another special called session, under normal rules, and they failed. Well, now, they want to do it again, but they want to change the rules. And the only way we could prevent that was to break a quorum. And so the story is, when Republicans don't get their way, they change the rules.

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Notes (7)

  • As noted by Bill, this is the first episode of the series with an all-male panel.

  • From Larry King Live on November 8, 2006 Per Bill Maher, the 11/17/2006 episode is the final episode for Fall of 2006.

  • Rahm Emanuel was scheduled to appear on this episode, but was a late cancellation.

  • This was the last episode completed before the WGA strike that started on November 5, 2007 until the show returned in January.

  • This episode was set to be the last episode of Season 10, but was cancelled due to the WGA strike which started on Nov. 5.

  • This episode is the first in the series to be broadcast in HD.

  • This episode sees the return of "New Rules", with the ending of the Writers Guild's strike.

Trivia (3)

  • Bill Maher deliberately prounces his name as Marr instead of Maher, to keep his audience from confusion.

  • Opening sketch The Democrats. They promised America a new direction. Well, it's been three whole days Let's look at the record so far. Fewest jobs created since Herbert Hoover. Their war in Iraq is an endless quagmire and homelessness among Federlines has reached 100%. And with the deficit spiraling out of control, what are the Democrats doing now? A victory dance, for the terrorists! The Democrats, had enough? Paid for by Republicans against change.

  • During the show, Maher kicked out many 9/11 conspiracy hecklers, who disturbing the conversation between the guests. On numerous of occasions, he has criticized the 9/11 conspiracies.

Allusions (23)

  • Bill Maher's reference to a Woody Allen film (in new rules) could be either Curse of the Jade Scorpion (co-starring Helen Hunt) or Hollywood Ending (with Tea Leoni.)

  • Bill Maher: (Talking to Gray Davis) Have you ever played a barbarian? This is a reference to Davis' opponent Arnold Schwarzenegger and his roles in the Conan movies.

  • Bill Maher: (Talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger) Let's just say it involves a robot going back in time... This is a reference to Arnold's role in the Terminator movies, in which he plays a robot that goes back in time.

  • Bill Maher: I know you have called the war on terrorism World War IV: The Rise of the Machines. Bill makes a reference to the film Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines.

  • Bill Maher: Because I don't recall anyone ever writing a song called "I Wish They All Could Be Rhode Island Girls"! Maher is alluding to the David Lee Roth single "I Wish They All Could Be California Girls."

  • Bill Maher: "Eat a worm." "You're fired." "You're not hot enough." Bill is referring to the reality shows Fear Factor, The Apprentice and Are you Hot? respectively.

  • Bill Maher: ..have you seen this midget dating show? Maher is referring to FOX's The Littlest Groom, a reality show akin to The Bachelor.

  • The opening sketch of an commercial about the "HeadIn" product is an allusion / reference to the "HeadOn" headache and migraine product commercial.

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