Sleepy Hollow: 10 Enemies Scarier than the Headless Horseman When You're a Time-traveler from the 1700s
Can we be real for a second? I promise it'll just be a second. Sleepy Hollow is WHACK. It's got so much going on that it really shouldn't work, and I need notebooks and charts to keep all the complex mythology straight, but I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Sleepy Hollow is the Crazy Little Series That Could, and it provides me with so much happiness and laughter on a weekly basis that these past few weeks without new episodes have left me feeling distraught. SO distraught, in fact, that my Google search history may or may not include "how to make a golem" and "is Tom Mison single?"
Thus, to help chase away the dreariness of a Sleepy Hollow-less existence—since the show still doesn't return until next week—I've painstakingly rounded up some of the scariest enemies Ichabod Crane and Abbie Mills have faced together since the series premiered. But if you think you're going to find the Sandman creature from "For the Triumph of Evil" or the scarecrow monster from "Sanctuary" in the list below, think again, because those don't even come close to the terrifying foes listed here.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the top 10 things that are scarier than the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, headless or otherwise... at least when you're a time-traveler from the 1700s.
10. Inaccurate American history
As a displaced history professor in the year 2013 (and now 2014), Ichabod was naturally very surly when he discovered that Americans have gotten lots of their own history wrong, from butchering Paul Revere's "The Regulars are coming!" to the meal that was served at the first Thanksgiving (no pie, and venison not turkey). I'd pay a great sum of money to watch Ichabod terrorize poor tour guides in museums across the country.
Mornings are hard for everyone, but they're especially rough on 200-year-old time travelers.
It's all fun and games until Ichabod gets really drunk and starts leaving horribly embarrassing messages for Abbie. But hey, at least they'd probably be charming.
7. Having to pay for water
"Were you charged a fee for that water? My God, it should be an inalienable right!" You're so right, Ichabod. Preach.
Ichabod's poor heart was broken when he realized his idol, Thomas Jefferson, stole one of his quotes and passed it off as his own. I wonder where he stands on Shia LaBeouf.
5. Computers and the internet
"Leftenant! I've done something catastrophic!" The ongoing battle between Ichabod and technology is a dangerously beautiful thing.
Though to be fair, I too have printed several copies of something in fear that it will disappear. But I'm told by medical professionals this has something to do with anxiety and not simply misunderstanding technology or how computers work. And who hasn't suffered an embarrassing moment in which a sexy pop-up ad asks you to pony up some cash for a webcam show while you're basically at work? (J/K that has never once happened to anyone I know.)
4. Funhouse mirrors
What is this hellish torment indeed! Carnivals are creepy in their own right, but funhouses and the mirrors that call them home, are second only to clowns on the creep-o-matic scale. If you ask me, Ichabod's reaction to the mirror in "The Golem" was perfectly reasonable, if a little understated.
3. Abbie's car
Ichabod's voiceover that turned out to be a real phone call with Yolanda, the NorthStar Assistance woman, is probably one of Ichabod's finest moments to date. Thank goodness for Yolanda, otherwise Ichabod might have been trapped in Abbie's car without entertainment for hours.
Don't feel bad, Ichabod—plastic has made all of us her bitch at one time or another. It's just something we've come to accept and live with, kind of like the Kardashians.
1. The donut tax
I think Ichabod spoke for all of us when he lamented how high sales tax can be, especially with regard to our favorite yummy treats, in Sleepy Hollow's second episode. And again when he declared that the public needed to flock to the streets in outrage. I don't know how much street-flocking I'm up for, because that sounds like a lot of effort, but if he wants to start a Change.org petition to lower the tax on pastry, I'll sign it.
What would make your list? And remember! Sleepy Hollow returns next Monday, January 13!
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