Teen Wolf "Perishable" Review: Burn BB Burn (PHOTO RECAP)
Personally, whenever I am doused in gasoline and set on fire in an empty parking lot by my co-worker, it honestly ruins my day. That is because (A) it really hurts, (B) it's really hurtful, and (C) hey I LIKED the outfit I was wearing! But now it is gone, melted away, and floating up to heaven. (Do Hammer pants go to heaven?) But in the case of Deputy Sheriff Parrish, he was NOT embarrassed to have been set ablaze by a co-worker and have all his clothes melt off, and that is because he is not only a supernatural creature of some kind, but even more shockingly he is also SECRETLY BUFF. See, now that roughly 100 percent of Teen Wolf's characters are secret monsters (or just the parents of a secret monster), it's not very surprising or shocking anymore whenever we learn that yet another character is a monster. It's like, duh. That's why you live here. But you know what will never lose its thrill-factor? Finding out a character is secretly buff! You know? Like maybe deep down we had a feeling all along that Deputy Sheriff Parrish had underwear model aspirations in his spare time, but sometimes it takes someone getting set on fire and having their clothes melt off to really be confronted with the reality of that scenario. Anyway, welcome to the club, Deputy Sheriff Parrish, you've got a full-blown TRIPLE membership in the Teen Wolf society in that you're a monster, you're informed about all the other monsters, and also dang do you work out?
Okay I should probably keep this creepin' to a minimum (at least he's not a teen!). Let's talk about "Perishable," which was a very good episode!
It all started with a mid-sized sedan experiencing a light sprinkle.
But things were not what they seemed!
Somehow and at some point Parrish's dickish co-worker knocked him unconscious and twist-tied him to his own steering wheel! And he was going to light him on fire!
And then he DID SO!
But don't worry, the killer listened to his Zune in order to drown out the screams.
So, obviously, this guy was a jerk for setting a nice 'n gentle dreamboat like Parrish on fire. But also he wasn't technically an assassin? He was just a guy who knew about the dead pool and decided to pick up some extra coin after work. This is another reason why I like the dead pool plotline so much: KILLERS ARE EVERYWHERE NOW. Sure, most of us have co-workers who could conceivably murder us, but that is now a REALITY for these characters.
Anyway, the thing about setting your co-workers on fire is that it makes the workplace a little awkward afterward.
Because almost immediately Parrish was BACK. And unlike in the Terminator films, he did not mug a random passerby for an iconic costume to wear, he simply marched back into the office fully naked with his junk still sizzling and with an insatiable appetite for FACE PUNCHIN'.
At some point during this literally hot brawl the jerk co-worker accidentally shot Sheriff Stilinski in the shoulder, but all in all this was one of the best Teen Wolf moments in history. I mean, dang. What even IS Parrish? Aside from secretly buff, which we now know for sure. Verified.
At that point he had to face a panel of experts:
While WE had known something was up with Parrish ever since he mentioned feeling vaguely drawn to Beacon Hills (as all supernatural creatures are), he seemed to have no idea what he was or what his abilities were, aside from not being harmed by fire. That seemed believable to me. No hidden motives or evilness here. Just a good guy with a mutant power and a gym membership. Meanwhile he had questions for THEM.
It happened off-screen, but man would I have loved to've heard Scott and Derek explain to Parrish what every monster in town was, and also to hear their take all the sh*t that has gone down over the past four seasons. Parrish definitely got a crash-course in monster knowledge, and that was actually very exciting to think about as a viewer. I love when new characters are brought into the fold, especially when those characters are Parrish.
Meanwhile at the hospital we got some good, old-fashioned Stilinski family drama related to the bullet currently lodged in Sheriff Stilinski's shoulder. Specifically he made it clear that he might not be able to afford the surgery and Stiles got super mad that he'd been hiding their financial problems from him.
It's always tough watching these two fight, but in the end they sort of agreed that they're on the same side and that neither of them can stop the other from always having his back. Teen Wolf is usually all about supernatural violence and whatnot, but these little moments are often the best part of any given episode. Such a good scene. Such good actors. In a just world, Linden Ashby would have to special-order a shelf strong enough to hold all his Emmys.
Later that night, a certain werewolf bb was having trouble sleeping.
Especially when his printer started going haywire!
It was the dead pool! But it had been updated, with certain names crossed out and higher bounties applied to others. Who had sent it? And why had the person sent 1,000 copies to Liam's printer? So wasteful. If we didn't already think the Benefactor was a bad person, this kind of anti-green behavior just sealed it.
Meanwhile Lydia treated the gang to a fuller explanation of what her grandmother's deal was. And it was filmed in this very lovely way that had her literally walking into and out of her own explanation, seriously, I loved it.
So, the story was that Lydia's grandmother once worked at IBM (mostly so that the props department could use a bunch of old reel-to-reel printers here probably) and one day she predicted the death of her own girlfriend. And that led to her trying to figure out the extent of her banshee powers, which mostly involved tarot and ouija boards and inviting weirdos from the Eichen house to come chill:
This was how Lydia's grandmother knew Meredith! So then the paranormal experts made Meredith listen to bad records and it nearly killed her!
And then later all we knew was that Lydia's grandmother ended up going to Eichen House where she too committed suicide. It was not the happiest story, to be honest.
Meanwhile this was a somber moment between Scott and his big bro Derek:
Derek basically admitted that he needs guns now because his werewolf powers are gone, plus when Scott informed him that he had been identified as a future dead man by Lydia, he did not seem surprised at all. Poor Derek.
The next morning, Scott fondled his money. I was really hoping he'd have a Demi Moore-in-Indecent Proposal moment and sort of spread the money around on his bed and roll in it, but he didn't. He mostly just looked uncertain about things and then put the money back in the duffel. Ugh, blood money, am I right?
At school Liam was having hallucinations of the Berserkers, which was a very cute reminder that although the other characters on Teen Wolf are seasoned professionals when it comes to trauma, Liam is still very sensitive to it! Turns out that maybe not only becoming a monster but also getting into deadly battles with other monsters is not the easiest thing for a 15-year-old to deal with? Poor Liam. Ever perceptive when it came to his progeny, Scott could tell something was wrong:
At this point Liam showed him the updated dead pool he'd been faxed, and then across the hall, Coach also got faxed tons of dead pools. That meant the Benefactor was probably tired of all the assassins doing a bad job at killing monsters and he'd resorted to just straight-up faxing EVERYBODY.
Lydia and Stiles skipped school that day so that they could crack the code that Lydia's grandmother had left behind for her:
After A LOT of brainstorming, they realized the password was "Ariel" because Lydia had really loved The Little Mermaid as a child. Ugh, even from beyond the grave grandmothers love to embarrass us.
The list ended up being just a bunch of banshees, so they took it to their new inside man at the sheriff's station
Whoops! They were DEAD banshees. What did it meeean?
Meanwhile this episode also featured a quintessential teen activity: THE SCHOOL BONFIRE!
The bonfire was in the shape of a cyclone, because that's the school's mascot and it's a fact that I constantly forget. At least Mystic Falls High has the Timberwolves, which makes it easy to remember. But the Cyclones? I don't get it. Anyway, just about the worst music you've ever heard was playing and all the kids were getting straight-up WASTED while authority figures looked the other way. It honestly looked like hell. Teens!
This was the first time in the episode that we saw Malia, and she was clearly still trying to drown her problems after finding out her biological father was a major b-hole. Except it sounded like they'd been doing some bonding time and she was starting to sound like she was Team Peter Hale. Also I liked that Scott confirmed what we'd suspected: Werewolves can't get drunk. Makes sense! Not to keep referring to The Vampire Diaries, but it's always struck me as inconsistent that those monsters immediately heal from wounds but can still get a buzz on. Our immune system is what makes us un-drunk, because alcohol is literal poison and our bodies have to heal from drinking it. So if you have a supernaturally strong immune system, then kiss your ability to get drunk goodbye. (Nobody ever said being a monster was easy.) Anyway, good job on understanding basic monster anatomy, Teen Wolf.
Meanwhile Liam was trying to get crunked also.
And you could tell he was having problems in life because he straight-up LITTERED.
What is the opposite of a Save the Cat moment? When a hero litters. Because come on, Liam, that is reprehensible. It's like going on a first date and seeing the person be rude to the waiter. Red flag! No longer interested! Anyway, his friend was concerned and RIGHTLY SO. Pick that up, Liam.
Meanwhile Stiles and Lydia went to Eichen House to get answers and they had to deal with this creep:
But after he agreed to let them into the file room guess what he did??
He tazed them and tied them to a post! That guy is truly the worst.
Also Braeden put on her best Scully outfit and went to go question the dude who had burned all of Parrish's clothes off.
In my opinion it had appeared that Parrish had beaten the guy's face in, but it turned out he only had minor cuts and bruises?
Anyway, she punched him in the nose and I guess he spilled the beans on his buddies who were currently trying to murder-spree over at the high school.
Because it turned out they were all getting drunk, too drunk, but not from alcohol! It was from the music!
I've honestly had similar experiences at clubs. 'A techno remix of "Let It Go"? Somebody call 911 I'm bleeding out!'
At this point we learned that the Eichen House creep had indeed murdered all those banshees, but in a sick twist it was starting to look like he'd merely done it because he was one of those Angel of Death nurses who think they're putting people out of their misery. Also there was this weird moment where he forced Lydia to listen to a cassette tape.
He'd made a recording of himself murdering Lydia's grandmother and then he forced her to listen to it! That was a pretty rude thing to do on multiple levels, so it was touching when Stiles tried to distract Lydia and told her not to pay attention to the sounds of her grandmother being strangled. But it was especially poignant when her dying words were a plea that the dude not murder "Ariel." But on the other hand, as much as it pains me to say this, maybe Lydia's grandmother was kind of a jerk for withholding this VERY crucial information from her granddaughter until Lydia was 18? I feel like this banshee info and also the identity of her murderer could have been passed along much sooner, but whatever. I am not a banshee and probably never will be.
Back at the bonfire all the werewolves were falling on the ground and a team of "security guards" came and whisked them away and not even Liam's friend could stop them!
And that's when we learned of the killers' flawless plan:
They were going to burn the school down and these three kids along with it! And all because the music outside was incapacitating them. That is, until...
Liam's friend cut the power on the DJ booth! Ha, I love it when characters who are not "in the know" still save the day. Kinda like Scott's dad from a few weeks back. Beacon Hills is a town full of heroes even when they don't fully know what's going on.
So, yeah. Now that the bad dubstep was turned off, Scott's alpha powers returned. And not only that, but he suddenly had backup!
In my opinion Derek probably wasn't cowering powerless in the other room due to the dubstep and that is because now that he was losing his werewolf powers maybe the secret frequency didn't affect him? I don't know. But it was still nice to see him save the day gun-free like he normally would've. Also Braeden is officially a good guy now, as she's fully working on the side of our heroes without a paycheck involved. See what a little lovin' from Derek can do to a person?
This was a close call:
Parrish had discovered that all the dead banshees' death certificates had named this creep as a witness, so clearly he'd been the murderer. And luckily Parrish showed up just in time, before the guy could stage a banshee drug overdose! (Because everybody knows banshees shoot up drugs in their necks.)
But before he died, he confirmed that he WASN'T the Benefactor, and not only that, but that MEREDITH had been the one calling the shots and controlling him.
So yeah, meet your Benefactress. Well, that's what the episode promos and suggested hashtags told us, anyway. That the Benefactor would be revealed in this episode, so I guess it's Meredith? I don't know, Meredith definitely admitted that she had been the one to make the dead pool, but in my opinion that doesn't necessarily mean she's the Benefactor, only the monster-identifier. Which was why she helped the gang earlier in the season, because she wasn't personally invested in getting anybody killed. I don't know, guys. I feel like this reveal is actually misdirection, especially in the absence of any real motive on Meredith's part. We'll see, though! Anything is possible.
I genuinely loved this episode, starting with the insane cold open through Lydia's banshee tale (director Jennifer Lynch is legit amazing), and especially the idea that the whole town is trying to kill our heroes now. THOSE are stakes. Sizzlin' nude Parrish certainly helped as well. But we're getting oh-so-close to the end of the season, so I have high hopes things will get even more nuts from here on out. Brace yourselves for answers.
... What is Parrish? A phoenix? A fire demon? An angel? An X-Man? A 2(x)ist model?
... Is Meredith really the Benefactor?
... How sad was Lydia's grandmother's life?
... Have you ever vomited from listening to dubstep?
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