The Colbert Report

Weekdays 11:30 PM on Comedy Central
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  • Episode Guide
  • S 11 : Ep 40

    2014/12/18

    Aired 12/18/14

  • S 11 : Ep 39

    2014/12/17

    Aired 12/17/14

  • S 11 : Ep 38

    2014/12/16

    Aired 12/16/14

  • S 11 : Ep 37

    2014/12/15

    Aired 12/15/14

  • S 11 : Ep 36

    2014/12/11

    Aired 12/11/14

  • Cast & Crew
  • Stephen Colbert

    Host

  • Tim Meadows

    P.K. Winsome

  • Stone Phillips

    Guest

  • Lesley Stahl

    Guest

  • Jim Cramer

    Guest

  • Photos (16)
  • show Description
  • Tune in to The Colbert Report, as Stephen Colbert, from The Daily Show gives his own take on the issues of the day, and more importantly, to tell you why everyone else's take is just plain wrong. The series is intended to be a parody of Bill O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper, Sean Hannity, Alan Colmes, Joe Scarborough, etc. The series airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30 pm EST and re-airs several times a day.moreless

  • Top Contributor
  • thefanof

    User Score: 101

    EDITOR

  • Trivia & Quotes
  • Quotes (2277)

    • Stephen: Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of Truth.

    • Stephen: ...and that brings us to tonight’s Word: Truthiness. Now I’m sure some of the word police, the wordanistas over at Webster’s are gonna say “Hey, that’s not a word.” Well, anybody that knows me knows that I’m no fan of dictionaries or reference books, they’re elitist. (Reference books high and mighty) Constantly telling us what is or isn’t true, or what did or didn’t happen. Who’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was finished in 1914? If I want to say that it happened in 1941, that’s my right! I don’t trust books, they’re all fact, no heart. And that’s exactly what’s pulling our country apart today. Because face it folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. (Pitchers and catchers) We are divided between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart. (Head bad, heart good) Consider Harriet Miers, if you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nominations absurd. But the President didn’t say he thought about his selection, he said this: [Video: “I know her heart.”] (No thinking) Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn’t have to, he feels the truth about Harriet Miers. And what about Iraq? If you think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces about the rational for war, but doesn’t taking Saddam out feel like the right thing? (I’ll say!) Right here in the gut, that’s where the truth comes from ladies and gentlemen, the gut. Do you know that you have more nerve endings in your stomach that in your head? (True) Look it up. Now, somebody’s gonna say I did look that up and it’s wrong. Well mister, that’s because you looked it up in a book. Next time, try looking it up in your gut. (Check gut) I did, and my gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works. Now I know some of you may not trust you gut, yet, but with my help you will. (You’ll get there) The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you, I promise to feel the news at you. (Feel the News) And that’s the Word.

    • Stephen: I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.

    • Stone Phillips: Tonight, shocking revelations in the case of an Ohio school principal whose filing cabinets held gruesome secrets.
      Stephen Colbert: Then, with night falling, and just one flare left, would Armando be able to keep the coyotes away from his leg?
      Stone Phillips: If you have ever sat naked on a hotel bedspread, we have got a chilling report you won't want to miss.
      Stephen Colbert: Raheed and MC Fresh Jams were dropping mad beats at the house party... when tragedy struck.
      Stone Phillips: We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges.
      Stephen Colbert: Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.
      Stone Phillips: In the interest of full disclosure, I should state that this reporter has a similar body piercing.
      Stephen Colbert: Amidst the mists and fiercest frosts, with barest wrists and stoutest boasts, he thrusts his fists against the posts, and still insists he sees the ghosts.
      Stone Phillips What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two, A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. For they'll beat a tattoo at a quarter to two: A rat-ta tat-tat ta tat-tat ta to-to. And the dragon will come when he hears the drum. At a minute or two to two today, at a minute or two to two.

    • Stephen Colbert: On this show, your voice will be heard...in the form of my voice.

    • Stephen: Put some pants on, America. The Truth is knocking at the door.

    • Stephen: …which leads us to tonight’s Word: Bacchanalia.: It means a drunken party, named after Bacchus the Roman God of body shots. (Party) Seems that a Catholic school on Long Island, Kellenberg Memorial High, named in memory of St. Kellenberg, patron saint of buzz kills apparently, has a problem with proms. (Prom-blems) The party houses in the Hamptons, the liquor lubricated limos, the booze cruises, all the time honored venues for vomiting. (Your mom’s car) So the schools principal, Brother Kenneth M. Hoagland, cancelled this year’s events saying: “Kellenberg is willing to sponsor a prom, but not an orgy.” Bravo. (Clap clap clap) Or so I thought, until I read Hoagland’s real reason for canceling: “It’s not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that surround the event…it is rather the flaunting of influence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity’s sake – in a word, financial decadence.” First of all, “financial decadence?” That’s two words. (Count ‘em!) What is this teaching our children, that affluence is not supposed to be flaunted? Do you know what would happen to our economy if the rich stopped acting rich? (Bad stuff) America has a simple deal with the wealthy: we cut their taxes, and in return they inspire us with their gloriously macked out cribs, golden toilets, and young, taught trophy wives. (Macked-out cribs, golden toilets, tear me off a piece of that) It’s not a new concept either, all the great civilizations encouraged ostentatious…ostentation. (It’s a word) What were the Pyramids or the Taj Majal after all but rich people playing “Pimp my Afterlife?” (I’d watch that) Yeah, I know that this is a Catholic school and Jesus said “It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 19:24) But, may I remind Brother Hoagland, our nation is rich enough to buy some really huge needles. With eyes you could drive a limo full of drunk prom kids through. (Designated camel) But I’ll tell you what’s really going on here folks. This prom is just another victim of the post-Katrina PC Police. (P.K.P.C.) I get it, there are poor people who have nothing. I guess we’re not supposed to enjoy the fruits of our labor then, I guess seventeen year olds aren’t supposed to chug Christal standing in the sun roof of a Stretch Hummer. (How I roll) So remember kids, they may take away your prom, the one event that was your excuse to ask Suzy to go all the way down in the cabin of the party boat out on Lake Ronkonkoma, (She was so ready) but never let them take away your champagne dreams and caviar wishes. (Don’t let the bastards get you down) And that’s the Word.

    • Stephen: Strap yourself in and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution.

    Show More Quotes

    Notes (254)

    • Colbert Trivia: Why is Stephen so quiet about the hundreds of hours of charity work he does every year? He's not doing it for the publicity; he's doing it for America.

    • First episode of the series.

    • Better Know a District: Rep. Jack Kingston (R) of Georgia's 1st District.

    • Freedom Fact: America's 50 states are each better than the next, no matter what order you put them in.

    • Inbox Mail: Dear Stephen, You're great. -Rebecca D. Newton, MA Dear Stephen, You're wonderful. -Christopher R. New Paltz, NY Hey Colbert, How about checking your facts sometimes before you open your mouth? Michigan, where I live, is not a "Democratic Stronghold." We went Republican every election between '68 and '88 and we've had a Republican governor for 11 of the last 15 years. Also, the capital of Michigan is Lansing, not Detroit. -Laura Z. Battle Creek, MI

    • Inbox Mail: Dear Stephen, You kick ass! -Gary P. Cincinnati, OH Dear Stephen, Why didn't you speak at Rosa Parks' funeral? -Maggie S. Ann Arbor, MI Dear Stephen, Is it 16? -Kay W. Northfield, MN

    • Date marks premiere of The Colbert Report in Canada.

    • Inbox Mail: Dear Stephen, I strongly disagree with your assertion that the soft timber industry in this country is exempt from repaying its 3.5 billion dollars in debt to Canada. -Anne M.
      Dear Stephen, Scooter Libby betrayed his office, betrayed the country and put the life of a C.I.A agent in danger. How can you possibly call this treasonous thug a "martyr"? -Laura K. Evanston, IL
      Dear Stephen, What should I have for breakfast? -Mark T. Lubbock, TX
      Dear Stephen, The Asian "character" you portrayed on Tuesday's show was insulting to me and all Asian Americans. You owe your viewers an apology. -Lee X. San Francisco, CA

    Show More Notes

    Trivia (522)

    • Stephen Colbert has said many times that one of the main influences on his character originally was indeed Stone Phillips so it was extra special to have him as the first guest.

    • Tonight's word, 'truthiness', was voted 2005's Word of the Year by the American Dialect Society. According to their website: In its 16th annual words of the year vote, the American Dialect Society voted truthiness as the word of the year. First heard on the Colbert Report, a satirical mock news show on the Comedy Channel, truthiness refers to the quality of stating concepts or facts one wishes or believes to be true, rather than concepts or facts known to be true. As Stephen Colbert put it, “I don’t trust books. They’re all fact, no heart.”

    • The Word: Truthiness

    • The premier episode drew 1.1 million viewers, just as much as The Daily Show.

    • This episode marked the first segment in the "Better Know a District" series.

    • The Word: Bacchanalia

    • This episode marked the first ever "Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger" segment.

    • The Word: Disappointed

    Show More Trivia

    Allusions (88)

    • Several aspects of the show are ideas taken from other news shows, like the now-cancelled Countdown with Keith Olbermann and The O'Reilly Factor.

    • A clip from the movie, Top Gun, was shown early on in the episode.

    • Rick Springfield has a cameo strumming "where can I find a woman like that" from his hit, "Jessie's Girl".

    • A clip from The O'Reilly Factor was shown in the last segment.

    • Space Mountain In the "DaColbert Code" segment, the photo accompanying chain link 'Space Mountain' is of the version of the ride in Disneyland Paris.

    • Stephen: Never mind the bollocks, this is The Colbert Report!

      This is a reference to the Sex Pistols album, "Never Mind the Bollocks, This is the Sex Pistols."

    • Stephen Colbert: To this day, when I sneeze really hard, it looks like Tinker Bell farted. Tinker Bell is a character from the Peter Pan story.

    • Steven: I am the Great and Powerful Oz This refers to the phrase mentioned in The Wizard of Oz.

    Show More Allusions
  • Fan Reviews (140)
  • Laughed a whole lot, good start, found out he's playing a character

    By anastasia1243, Aug 30, 2014

  • Interested in being American?

    By Maerzie, Aug 22, 2014

  • Hilarious

    By TheSimpsons4, Jun 11, 2014

  • Funny show, not meant to be as political as the Daily Show though...

    By AaronJohansen, Sep 11, 2012

  • Excellent Show

    By beowulf579, Jun 23, 2012

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