True Blood Season 7 Premiere Review: Crystal Meth-Level Addictive

By Lily Sparks

Jun 23, 2014

True Blood S07E01: "Jesus Gonna Be Here"

True Blood's Season 7 premiere shrunk the show's world back down to Bon Temps, and it was perfect

We’re trained to see shrinking or reduction as a bad thing, but sometimes it’s actually growth. It's what happens when a TV series crystallizes exactly what is good about itself into a pure, entertaining essence which can then be consumed as avidly and ecstatically as methamphetamines. True Blood is dealing the most concentrated form of what we love about it: humans and vampires forming an uneasy alliance in a colorful Louisiana town. 

It makes me so happy that I could kiss showrunner Brian Buckner full on the lips.

Yes, I know some of you are still reeling about Tara dying. BUT DID SHE? Somehow I just can’t believe she’s gone. We didn’t actually see it happen, maybe Lettie Mae’s confused. Lettie Mae’s not exactly the most creditable of witnesses, what with her demon possession and alcoholism and child abuse and church lady tendencies and wig. That's just not the kind of wig you put over a quiet mind.

Breaking from True Blood's traditional half day/half night format, almost the entire episode took place while it was dark outside. Jessica holding the line outside the Bellefleur mansion, staring down a shadowy Hep-V vampire who wanted to drink Adeline.

It was not only very creepy, but also a chance for Jess and Adeline to process and bond, and it was also a much-needed examination of one of the more fairy-tale tropes of vampire mythology—namely, why can’t they come in unless you invite them again? That’s nuts.

We got to actually sit down with Lafayette for a spell, thank God, watching him connect (perhaps romantically?) with a handsome new vampire hippie over a bong. 

And we saw almost all of Sam.

One day True Blood's editors are going to slip up and flash some Sam dick and so help me I will cancel my HBO subscription! I know this show is all about nudity (this episode hit the usual Four Titty Minimum no problem), but Sam’s dick is several inches past the bounds of good taste. 

Of course, Eric’s dick is another story. We can find a seat and make a plate for Eric’s dick, no problem.

Regretfully, there was neither hide nor hair to be seen of Eric Northman, other than this hastily drawn map proffered by a Moroccan entrepreneur to Pam, who is apparently combing the world for him. Here’s the map up close for our rampant speculation in comments:

The only time I felt confined by the storyline was while watching Sookie stubbornly wandering down a long dirt road scattered with dead bodies because she was too bummed about how everyone secretly hated her to wait for an escort. This has been going on for literally years, Sookie overhearing people’s resentment; at a certain point she has to kind of get over literally caring what other people think. Also, the loss of terror would make her feel presumably MORE fragile, not less? IDK, it bothered me.

At least she openly addressed the issue by screaming about it in church:

Sookie made the point that she out of everyone knows the most about vampires, which, hmmm. Doubtless you know the most about bringing vampires to climax, Sookie, but in the realm of defending yourself from the undead, what advice do you have to offer other than “I can shoot fairy magic from my palms”? That doesn’t exactly help the average Bon Tempsienne.

Still, to be fair: How in hell is Sookie to blame for any of this anyway? That’s the real issue. The poisoning of Tru Blood by a right-wing conspiracy has led to a nationwide epidemic of hungry vampires, both sick and well, who need to eat or die. A little danger-whoring did not this mess make. 

Also, a kidnapping will only spice up Holly and Arlene’s longterm arcs. I’m glad True Blood's writers finally found a use for Eric’s Death Carousel, back from when he kept Lafayette pinioned for most of Season 2.

Ultimately this slow-burn pace and these tight, stark conflicts—cooperate or go to war, actual life-or-death stakes for both humans and vampires—is a beautiful platform for a season that can have a real point of view on the larger issues True Blood has always obliquely flowed around. And I'm so grateful.


... What happened to Tara? She’s still alive, duh, yeah?

... Countdown to Eric—next episode?

... How do you like the cozy atmosphere?

...Are you shocked by how much you now adore Andy Bellefleur?

What'd you think of True Blood's Season 7 premiere? What do you hope to see in this final season? 

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  • Dirk13 Jul 01, 2014

    Yes, very shocked actually..

  • Tvking00 Jun 30, 2014

    I liked the premiere although I cant say that I care for Sookies character anymore. After that whole Warlow thing I find it hard to feel bad for her.I thought that whole "fuck me" Jason scene was really corny but im not too mad at it after seeing Violet in the nude. I like that Pam is searching for Eric, I've always loved their relationship. And to speak on the whole Tara thing, I would like to believe that the writers have something good planned but their writing from last few seasons leave me with little hope.

  • Loooooooooooost Jun 30, 2014

    Well, kinda had no idea what going on. So confusing. I probably just don't care much. But I will stand by my devotion for Andy. Always loved him, always knew he was a good person, and last couple of seasons show he is getting to be a strong and useful character.

  • aktarian Jun 28, 2014

    Well, this ep was as awful as I expected it to be. :)

    OK, Pam is searching in North Africa for Eric and she is given a map that he's in France (or Switzerland). Makes perfect sense that Maroccan sisha bar owner will know he's on another continent.

    Well, that mixer was a bust. But then again, that happens when people trust vampires. And of course Jason is so busy kissing vampire behind that he fails to see that vampires are the problem, not the solution. At least Andy is honest, he still hates Bill (at least somebody understands vampires are in fact killing machines) but needs him to find missing people. But of course, to counter ballance it Adalind has to get cozy with Jessica. Nevermind she killed her three sisters.

    Anti vampires vigilantes are (again!) bad guys. Never mind that vampires just crashed a mixer designed to protect people from vampires, killed a bunch of people and took few more. If you want to go out and actually find them but don't bow down to vampire wishes you are a dick. Leave that to the police, just ignore the fact that police is doing very little to actually find them and one deputy will alaways take vampire's side over that of the human so she gets to have sex with her. And neverind BTPD is small and feds just gave up on areas outside of big cities. Can't ahve people hunting vampires, that's very wrong.

    Well, I hope Tara is dead, one annoying character less

  • IzzieOKeeffe Jun 27, 2014

    Hey at what point exactly did Sookie and Alcide get together? What a big anti-climax after years of shipping them and be robbed of a big and passionate creshendo of emotion and sex!!!

  • Loooooooooooost Jun 30, 2014

    Last season's finale they did they humpty hump.

  • marknmo Jun 26, 2014

    If Tara really is dead, I think her Mom may have killed her. The last shot we had of Tara was of her throwing the Hep-Vamp onto the ground as she stood over him. There's no way he took her out. IF she's dead (and I'm really pissed at the idea that she is), then it probably happened when she went to comfort her mom. Her mom has always been selfish and skewed, and she probably staked Tara while they were holding each other on the ground. The witch probably had some messed up thought in her head like she was saving her soul or something. Maybe she even thought she had to right her own wrongs (put and end to the abomination her child had become) in order to get into Heaven. At the end of last season, my friends suspected that her mom and purposefully infected herself with Hep-V in order to infect Tara, since it was surprising for her to offer her blood for Tara to drink.

  • Tvking00 Jun 30, 2014

    I really hope that's not the case, off screening a character like Tara is disrepectful...ontop of everything else the writers have done to her character.

  • Maryjane420 Jun 26, 2014

    If Tara did die that was a pretty crappy send off.

  • gothceltgirl Jun 26, 2014

    I don't know if Tara is actually, definitely dead, I can't imagine that they'd kill off (true death) a main character that way off-screen, but maybe we'll have flashbacks as they are wont to do.

    Secondly, Eric must be holed up somewhere, besides Pam probably being able to feel when (and/or if Tara bit it) Eric was burnt, he is probably trying to heal his poor delicious burnt self.

    I liked most of the cozy atmosphere just fine, Lily, thank you for asking. I was annoyed with Sookie for walking home alone and throwing her phone away, even though she's got fairy magic fingers, she's not freakin' invincible and who knows what else lurks out in the darkness ya know?

    Also I was annoyed with how many people are blaming Sookie for all of this. ALL?! Seriously?! WTF? She doesn't have that much power, but that is how small-minded people react, as one commenter pointed out before. So it is human natrure. And yes, she really does need to get over, not only giving a shit what people think, but also holding it against them when they, for a second, think something negative about her. People's thoughts are complex, varied, and often ambivalent, and as a telepath, Sookie is (or should be) aware of this. But she just flips out sometimes, I suppose.

    Andy is mad cool and wonderful. I have always liked him, but he is a prince.

    So there was something off for me with this episode. I have built it up, anticipated it, even subscribed to HBO (seriously) just for this last season, so that I can watch it properly on the television and I watched it twice, as I usually do, but I was thrown by a couple of things: that cutie from The Originals taking the place of that other cutie at the end of last season. I really liked him, but I thought I was imagining the similarities. And wasn't there a bit of chemistry between him & Lafayette for a second? Or was that just me? The pace seemed off at some points and I don't know if that's because Stephen Moyer directed it. Perhaps they should've had someone else direct the season premiere. Or maybe it was just me. I have no life and have been pinning all (nearly) my hopes and dreams on this one thing all year.

  • Torwart23 Jun 25, 2014

    i could watch the jason/vampire girl scene over and over again. this dialogue :"im gonna fuck you and -FUCK- youre gonna fucking fuck me back..." LOL

  • SyedCool Jun 25, 2014

    nict one

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