Down Periscope is a 1996 military comedy starring Kelsey Grammer (Cheers, Frasier), Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigalo), and Lauren Holly (Dumb and Dumber). The film, directed by David S. Ward (Major League), tells the hilarious story of a rag-tag group of sailors led by their courageous but unconventional Lieutenant Commander Thomas Dodge (Grammer). The crew is commissioned to restore and revitalize a leaky old diesel submarine, the USS Stingray, to engage in a war game to prove the superiority of the new nuclear submarines. The war game quickly turns into a fight for Dodge's career and when his odd crew proves ridiculously effective, the big upset lands in the lap of the U.S. Navy. The slapstick comedy pokes fun in all the right places and its stellar comic cast makes it somewhat of a timeless classic. The movie also stars Harry Dean Stanton, Bruce Dern, William H. Macy, and Rip Torn.
CPO Howard, Chief Engineer
FAdm. Yancy Graham
Cmdr. Carl Knox
Lt. Cmdr. Thomas 'Tom' Dodge
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal
Dodge: Stepanek, You missed a good opportunity there. One noise out of you, we would have been in a lot of trouble.
Stepanek: That would be unethical, sir. I only intend to screw myself. That would've screwed everybody.
Dodge: (reviewing his new crew) Nice pants... lose the cigar... oh, you better burn that shirt, sailor... It's the crew from Hell!
Dodge: Speaking of age, what do you think about our boat, Pascal?
Pascal: I feel I need a tetanus shot just from looking at it. The only thing holding her together, are the bird droppings, sir.
Graham: Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis.
Stepanek: Any way I can cause a problem?
Sonar: No. We're pretty well covered for now.
Dodge: All right, everybody, it's time to kick this pig! Leave Graham squealing from the feeling!
Jackson: Squeaking from the freaking.
Buckman: Oinking from the boinking.
Dodge: All right, ladies and gentlemen. We have fulfilled every requirement of this mission except one: Norfolk. Presently, there are several ships positioned outside the harbor to intercept us. To get in, we're gonna have to use a tactic that is somewhat bizarre, and extremely risky. If any of you feel it's not worth it, please let me know now.
Spots: Uh, actually, sir, I think we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky. Worked for us so far.
Pascal: Jesus, Buckman! This stuff's been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Buckman: What's the matter, sir? It still tastes like creamed corn.
Pascal: Except it's deviled ham!
Buckman: Now that would be a problem.
Nitro: Radio's workin' like a Swiss... car.
Pascal: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, ya fatass moron! Yesterday, it was a Band-Aid!
Buckman: Sorry, sir. The Band-Aid was holding the fingernail on.
Stepanek: Polishing the ol' torpedo, sir?
Dodge: Shut up Stepanek.
Stepanek: Thank you sir. It's good to be noticed.
Graham: I expect you to abide by the rules of this war game.
Dodge: Since when did the rules ever apply to you?
Graham: Watch it! Don't you realize that you are addressing a superior officer?
Dodge: No... merely a higher ranking one. Catch us if you can!