15 Lines of CSI: Cyber Dialogue That Will Scare Your Mom Off the Internet for Good

If you don't receive any new emails from your mom, grandmother, or paranoid uncle over the next few weeks, you can blame CSI: Cyber. The latest spin-off of CBS's unkillable crime franchise plugs into the digital age with all the ridiculous scare tactics of an infomercial that sells robot insurance to senior citizens, encouraging the tech-weary to dismantle their smartphones, stop clicking links on websites, and never, ever get into an Uber.  

I've screened the CSI: Cyber's first three episodes, and it's exactly what you might expect a CSI series to be, complete with 3D renderings, kickass FBI names like Elijah Mundo (James Van Der Beek), and utterly ridiculous plots—including one where someone hacks an amusement park's mainframe to create a murderous roller coaster. Plus, it's a goldmine for terrifying dialogue that'll scare the Google Glass right off your face! Below, I've collected the best tech-phobic lines from the first three episodes; just be warned that after you read them, you may feel compelled to stay away from the internet forever! 


Editors' Note: The following list contains minor spoilers from CSI: Cyber's first three episodes.


"My name is Avery Ryan. I was a victim of cybercrime. Like you, I posted on social media, checked my bank account balance online, even kept the confidential files of my psychological practice on my computer. Then I was hacked. And as a result, one of my patients was murdered. My investigation into her death led me to the FBI, where I joined a team of criminal experts who wage a war against a new breed of criminal hiding on the deep web. I infiltrating our daily lives in ways we never imagined. Faceless, nameless, lurking inside our devices. Just a keystroke away. IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU."

CSI: Cyber wastes no time in portraying the World Wide Web as an orgy of criminal activity. The show's main character, Special Agent Avery Ryan (Patricia Arquette), delivers that ominous warning via voiceover... right in the opening credits! If you watch CSI Cyber on your iPad, there's basically no way to avoid having your Facebook page hacked so that you "like" the James Van Der Beek Fan Club page. It can—and will—happen to you.


"Oh! There's malware!"

Malware, a.k.a. malicious software, is EVERYWHERE. Also, it will kill you. If you have logged onto Yahoo at any point in the last 13 years, then your computer is loaded with it and your "C" key isn't working anymore. 



"Remote access Trojan. Spy software, available anywhere on the surface net. Forty-dollar download, basically anyone with half a brain can use it."

This is the thing about cybercrime that makes it so dangerous, you guys! Unlike IRL-crime, which can only be committed by full-brained culprits, cybercrime can be carried out by total idiots with a week's worth of allowance. But CSI: Cyber is here to help, and if you don't heed its prudent warnings, the entire world will know what's in your browser history.


"Ready for the scariest part? A single-board computer like this can be found anywhere online for about fifty dollars. With instructions on how to do everything you just saw." "It's got to be a lot more difficult to crash a roller coaster than it is to prank an elevator." "Actually, it's not. The coding is very similar, and it's so easy that a 9-year-old can do it."

Every episode of CSI: Cyber will remind you that cybercriming is cheap and easy enough that anyone can do it. I expect at least one future plot to involve some $35 software that allowed a dog to hack into the NSA.


"Rat software looks for specific prompts. What did the user tag? What did he want to see?" "Everything tagged 'Caleb' or 'baby.'" "The rat tracked every email sent; whatever she sent, he saw." 

In case you thought cybercriminals were only interested in your bank account info, think again! Online thieves want to know everything about your personal life, and they can't wait to crack open your email to see what your aunt had to say about her vacation to Tallahassee.


"Someone's got some peepee."

Okay, this one has nothing to do with cybercrime. But it is an actual line of dialogue from the show.



"The [mother]board is our murder weapon."

TERRIFYING FACT: As a last resort, cyberterrorists will dismantle their machines and use the individual parts to stab their victims to death.


"Oh those poor parents, they buy a baby cam to protect their child, and it's the very thing that gets the child abducted. That is truly horrifying."

It's not just your Dell Inspiron that's inviting cybercreeps into your house—your other electronic devices are, too! Being Amish is sounding pretty sweet right about now, isn't it?


"There is a bad guy out there who's found the weakness in your source code and he's set up his own online shopping network for babies and you didn't say anything?"

You should have said something! Now my daughter is listed for sale on QuiBids.com and I have to outbid the Sultan of Dubai to get her back.


"Before computers, pedophiles used to keep a box of photos under their bed. Being geographically isolated from other pedophiles forced them to suppress their socially unacceptable desires. Today, the internet connects people with the same deviant tendencies, and once they come together, they normalize their behavior and encourage each other."

And that's how you get Bronies, ladies and gentlemen.


"You know, I spent the bulk of my career fighting street gangs, cleaning up after drive-bys, drug deals, and bloody little wars. But today we're facing anonymous targets obsessed with impressing people they don't even know."

You'd think that fighting cybercrime would be an easy task; like, you probably just sit at a computer and move your mouse around until a bad guy shows up, right? Nope! Most of today's cops would rather run headfirst into the Crips' headquarters than attempt to find the spammer whose aunt makes $17/hr working from home on her computer. It's much safer. 



"We need a gore porn forum. One that caters to those who are sexually aroused by extreme carnage. That's where our target is hiding."

Also, don't just Google "gore porn" unless you find our former vice president attractive!


"Zogos [an Uber stand-in] make it socially acceptable to get into a car with a stranger. At least taxis are regulated, there's accountability. No, not with this app. You get in the car, you're playing Russian Roulette."

The next time you call an Uber, just shoot yourself in the temple. It will be cheaper.


“This technology may have made life easier, but it sure hasn't made life safer.”

Totally worth the risk in exchange for right-swiping for meaningless, anonymous casual sex.


“Your wifi password is as important as the lock on your front door.”

Wait, I'm supposed to lock my front door? Oh, f*ck.


Oh and one more thing, this article contains a phishing worm that has already trojaned its way past your firewall and is now uploading your bank account info, social security records, Amazon purchase history, and digital magazine subscriptions onto my hard drive via a milla-bit-encrypted deep-web techno-transfer over USB 3.0g backslash dot edu megapixel Titanium-cased microprocessor. MUAHAHAHA! Anyone with half a brain can do it, and IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!


CSI: Cyber premiered Wednesday, March 4 at 10pm on CBS.


Comments (143)
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Mar 26, 2015
After watching the first 3 episodes of this show I feel compelled to stay away from it. Forever.
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Mar 26, 2015
Couldn't stop laughing at the "gore porn" and the vice-president reference.
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Mar 25, 2015
skipped episodes 1 and 2 and went straight to 3, oh its awful awful drivel why do these networks throw money at these hastily sticky taped together spin offs, I felt embarrassed for the actors, i know they have bills to pay like all of us but please...
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Mar 16, 2015
I like Arquette (and enjoyed Medium), but this is bad. Fire whoever named a character Mundo. Cyber crime is an important and up and coming topic, but if hacked roller coaster is best they can do, give up now.

As someone else commented elsewhere, Num3ers, NCIS/NCIS LA and even other cancelled CSIs were better than this. Hell MTVs Eye Candy is better than this.

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May 03, 2015
yeah, CSI las vegas is much better than this, but i really want back my grissom XD
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Mar 14, 2015
Wow.. this was... really bad... from the overly dramatic whispered "it can happen to you" in the intro (so scared.. hold me) to the cops starting a high speed chase with a car carrying a stolen baby in the pilot (they actually have a hold back policy in that situation because it could lead to..) the criminals car pulling a Dukes of Hazard (seriously, on a stretch of dirt roads ending with them getting airborne and landing in a pond) then every cop just standing around so the lead and van der beek can roll up late to the party with him being the ONLY one to jump in the water and get the baby. to recap: the cops started a highspeed chase with a vehicle carrying a kidnapped infant, ran it into a pond then stood around watching it sink. then the closing shot of the lead sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial at night was just... damn this redefines cheesy. and as someone who worked IT, it's fun watching these braindead monkeys stumble through devices and dialogue they aren't comfortable with.
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Mar 12, 2015
Lol the show is awful but I hate to break it to tim, most of those plots are ripped from the headlines and it is that cheap and easy to do, DARPA was literally hacked by 13 year old. As a internet based journalist you probably don't want to antagonize the groups of people that could take this site down drain your bank account and frame you for pedo photos. Just saying
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Mar 12, 2015
Before I regret watching this is it anything like Under the Dome?
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Mar 25, 2015
from what little I saw, no, its not so very very bad that its actually entertaining as hell, I wish!
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Mar 12, 2015
Even that in 1995 was grating. Lest not mention the forced zoomed in micro-expression scene to put Patricia Arquette's character in the same playing field as a Sherlock Holmes/Cal Lightman... Urgh, had to switch it off after that.
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Mar 10, 2015
Hey guys!! The best part is yet to come, Luke Perry.
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Mar 07, 2015
Unfortunately most of what they are saying is quite true. People are very ignorant about how much crime is happening online.
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Mar 07, 2015
I'm gonna watch this, just to read the hilarious reviews! Tim, you made me gigglesnort so much, thank you! I stopped watching all CSI incarnations years ago, but this is so fun and cheesy,it'll make for 'guilty pleasure' viewing. Mind you, I did like seeing Patricia Arquette on the small screen again, missed her since 'Medium' ended.
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Mar 06, 2015
This is sitting on my dvr but I think it may get expelled upon play with the sort of belated hasty regret that a dodgy .exe does.
The casting is enough to scare - fat nerd, little black nerd, big headed cop (literally), geeky boss cop, kinda geeky chunky milf mom and cutesy quick mouthed tweenish elfin geek but not geek geek bird.
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Mar 07, 2015
Oh no, you have to watch it. If I had to (I didn't) so do you. Plus, it's HILARIOUS.
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Mar 06, 2015
Okay, you said it was awful but I had to see for myself. Man that was bad. What total horseshit.
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Mar 06, 2015
They overpaid for that board by like 15 bucks.
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Mar 06, 2015
i have a better motherboard on my secondary PC ffs HAHHA
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Mar 06, 2015
Oh, and if JVDB is wearing sunglasses in the next episode, I give up.

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Mar 06, 2015
Wow. Just... Wow.

This was like a comedy spoof of a crappy procedural starring the character James Van Der Beek from Don't Trust The Bitch In Apt 23.

It was stuffed full of appalling cliches such as "Do you have children? Then you don't understand!!"

Loved the bit where a dude claiming to be a law enforcement officer approaches a young boy through his bedroom window without the presence of a parent and proceeds to bond with him over gaming. Grooming, much?

Patricia Arquette just won an Oscar, but you wouldn't guess that from her turn in this. Although everyone was more wooden than a wardrobe showroom, so that could be the dialogue, direction and editing to blame... which was also terrible.

In one scene, everyone gets introduced at least once, with Avery and Elijah Mundo (*snort*) getting two or three namechecks within seconds of each other.

Oh, and the final scene of Ep1, where she's sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial staring meaningfully into space thinking vengefully about her NEMESIS. Pure delicious melty cheese on a stick.

All in all, a great stinking pile of donkey droppings. having said that, I'm probably still gonna watch a few more, because I am a glutton for punishment. And it's fun to laugh at it. And I've got a (shrinking) soft spot for the CSI franchise (except Miami *shudder*), but if it doesn't get any better it won't be around for long.

Come to think of it, this season of CSI Vegas has been like they're all sleepwalking towards a paycheck and I miss Brass more than I thought I would. I think it's probably time for this nag to be put out to pasture.
More+
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Mar 06, 2015
Yeah, GO CSI and take Criminal Minds and NCIS with you!
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Mar 06, 2015
Hey now, CSI can go, but leave my Criminal Minds and NCIS alone!
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Mar 10, 2015
Criminal Minds can burn! There's no need to feed the sickos.
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Mar 11, 2015
I imagine the sickos get enough feed from gory movies. The profiling shows are interesting. At least, to me.
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Mar 06, 2015
I agree, having children makes people stupider. They probably don't understand.

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Mar 06, 2015
yes... look at will smith, denzel washington (not so much). Will Smith prevented us from his greatness for what?? betting in his stupid annoying kids career?? he would better keep investing in his career because hes the one is talented and he should pout his kid in a UK school to learn something and become a lawyer or wtv he wants instead of actor...
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Mar 05, 2015
Considering the back door pilot of this reached whole new levels of ill-throughout crap for a CSI show, way above and beyond the senseless poop CSI Miami used to pass off as story lines. I think I'll be giving this one a miss.
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Mar 05, 2015
Oh Tim, I find you so much more amusing when you're making fun of shows that I don't watch or like.
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Mar 10, 2015
That's your first problem. Don't read Tim's reviews, the comments is where it's at.
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Mar 05, 2015
OMFG I can't stop laughing, thank you for this awesome review, Mr Surette. This show sounds like a product of TPTB that want to control everybody and everything and to make us know that internet is dangerous and it must be controlled.
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Mar 05, 2015
This was hilarious. Thanks for a day brightener. I have no desire to watch this show, but I hope you will do recaps or "Highlights" of the "best" dialogue. I would very much enjoy reading them.
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Mar 05, 2015
After reading this excellent review (thank you Tim) I terribly miss Numb3rs! Now, that was an interesting show!

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Mar 05, 2015
I dont see this series lasting. I thought the plot was corny. Dialogue was cheesy to trite. Acting was so-so.
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Mar 05, 2015
Being a CSI fan as well as a fan of the two other spin-offs, I decided to give CSI: Cyber a look. I did not think the first episode was all that good, but I liked it enough that I will continue to watch the show for now. I agree somewhat with Stanking in that Patricia Arquette seemed a little wooden in her role and had very little or no personality. However maybe that will change as the show goes on. I intend to find out.
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Mar 06, 2015
Did you thikn it was about the characters from he other CSI shows cybering with each other? That would be hawt.
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Mar 05, 2015
To be fair, the World Wide Web *is* an orgy of criminal activity.
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Mar 06, 2015
Hackers share hotel rooms at Defcon, but orgy is the wrong word,
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Mar 05, 2015
HAHAHA

one thing im sure, if u have INTERNET problems, do not call csi cyber crime, they probably know less than you HHAHAHAHA
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Mar 05, 2015
I don't get the fandom for Patricia Arquette. She looks like she's done too much Botox. I mean, a cyber show sounds right for her because she's a mechanical robot, but I want to be able to tell the difference between happy face and sad face.
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Mar 06, 2015
I'm mostly just imagining her naked from "Human Nature", after that it's all down hill.
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Mar 05, 2015
It's all "constipated face."
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Mar 05, 2015
I was so looking forward to this! I miss Patricia Arquette since the roll she was at Medium. Now after reading this I see that there is not point to use time watching the show. Unless somebody proves Tim wrong.
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Mar 05, 2015
ssshhh 'they' are listening...Is it a coincidence that a java update popped up on my mac while I was reading this? I think not...
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Mar 05, 2015
Notice how the two ridiculous CSI spin-offs both got cancelled because they turned into bad soap operas set in crime labs whereas the original is going along fine because it mostly stuck to being a 1-hr who done it crime drama? This show is awful right out of the gate. I think I know where all of the hack writers from Intelligence ended up working. Stupid story, corny acting and completely gratuitous action, like the bad guys car, with baby on board, going flying into a pond so that agent stud muffin could dive down, break a window and save the kid. What'll it be next week; damsel tied to the tracks in front if a speeding train?
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Mar 05, 2015
Perhaps those aren't the best examples to prove your point. Those "ridiculous" spinoffs ran for 10 years before being cancelled, so they were obviously quite successful.
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Mar 05, 2015
"onto my hard drive via a milla-bit-encrypted deep-web techno-transfer over USB 3.0g backslash dot edu megapixel Titanium-cased microprocessor" ROFL no seriously ON THE FLOOR (i have no idea how i am writing this right now?)
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Mar 05, 2015
I was thinking of giving the show a try, even though the premieres made it look stupid... but this article sealed it. It IS stupid, and now I don't feel like watching. Thanks :)
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Mar 05, 2015
I was going to give it a go for few episodes because of Arquette and MacNicol...... but then saw Van Der Beek!!!! It lastest the time it took to reach the remote and change the channel. This is not going to be a good show.
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Mar 05, 2015
I really wanted to like this show because of Patricia Arquette & Peter MacNichol but it was just not... good :/
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Mar 05, 2015
Hilarious comments from Tim ...

I've barely watched anything CSI since Grissom left, and I'm still glad I did.
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Mar 05, 2015
Oh Tim you are a Legend! That's the best review/non review have read in a while!
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Mar 05, 2015
TV shows seem incapable of writing tech without it sound obnoxious, stupid and insulting to anyone who is reasonably comfortable around a computer, same with "geek" characters, almost always geeks are written in such annoying, insulting, generic, shallow ways. I love Forever but even they managed to fall into the tired traps of writing tech characters that speak in nonsense, honestly folks just because we know some tech stuff, we still use English! NCIS was also terrible the other week where they had an IT geek speaking with Internet acronyms out loud, nobody talks like that!!!!
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Mar 05, 2015
In fairness, TV show writers have trouble writing about any subject without it sounding obnoxious, stupid, and insulting to anyone familiar with the subject.
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Mar 05, 2015
Oh, i just realized that this week's episode of Forever was about a hacker's crime. The point is, you can tell all there is to tell about killing through technology in just 1 episode of any other show. If you make a whole show of it, it will be the same all the times and ridiculous. Not even POI goes that way.

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Mar 05, 2015
They could have stayed in line with just the regular cybercrimes, but they had to go with murder and make it ridiculous. Well, who knows, the show might end up being instructive for some evil minds out there.
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Mar 06, 2015
Well, keep in mind...these shows show the most extreme things that "could" possibly happen. The show would get very boring if all you see, week after week, is some hacker stealing identities or hacking Facebook. lol
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Mar 06, 2015
It would be boring only if they write it boring. There's a lot of shows with no murders that are really good. And cybercrime can 'naturally' include hoax issues, people stealing bank passwords through apps, pedophiles distributing and selling materials, conflicts with international legislations to pursue crime outside the country, spies stuff, industrial spies stuff, copy right issues, terrorism organization through the web, etc. Plus the most obvious for every single show - personal relations among the characters.
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Mar 06, 2015
I didn't say it had to include murder. I simply said it will show the most extreme cyber crime that could happen. That's just what these shows do. The first episode wasn't about murder, but about the kidnapping of babies.
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Mar 06, 2015
The most extreme part is probably what will make it ridiculous, and what generated this article. Kidnapping babies is something that a kidnapper's expert should deal with, not a hacker's expert. Eventually, the cyber part of every story can be covered by a regular fbi hacker tracing ips back. But hey, i do watch my share of ridiculous shows, so this is no attack to anyone watching this, just a thought.
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Mar 05, 2015
To be fair you could probably take 3 episodes from any show and create stupid quote-pics.
If Cyber-crime wouldn't have any consequences then what would be the point of the show? Off course they must try to make it scary or you would just be watching 22 episodes of counterfeit, THAT would be horrible.
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Mar 05, 2015
But this is horrible too, so perhaps the show's premise is fundamentally flawed, hm?
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Mar 05, 2015
This show is on CBS. In order to relate to its audience shouldn't every plot revolve around some unsuspecting Senior answering an email from a Nigerian Price who needs a bank account number to transfer his inheritance into.

Also, my brother's Father-in-law once fell for one of those scams, so it does happen.
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Mar 05, 2015
I am ... dismayed ... that the brain aneurysm-inducing lines I heard in the first few minutes aren't isolated to just tonight's premiere. I really wanted to like this. I'm still hoping for best 2 out of 3, or even 2 out of 4-episode-test. (Someone might need to stage an intervention here.)

I don't like or watch any CSI, except the back door pilot. It made me think Cyber was ditching some of that baggage. But this was like CSI: Speed, because it never stopped. Just ping-ponged from scene to scene. It was like watching a walkthrough.

And I like Patricia Arquette. But... some lines she seemed to phone in. Oh, my. Please improve next week. (Though their "scenes from next week" were just generic "this show is exciting," and action shots.)
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Mar 06, 2015
Did you see Medium? I don't think she delivered a single believable line that whole series.
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Mar 05, 2015
Clarification: "walkthrough" is a video gamer term. It's a guide to getting through a game as fast as possible after you know all the answers. (Go to location 1, get items A and B, go to location 2, use item B to get item C, etc.)
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Mar 05, 2015
I don't see the head of any government agencies doing any sort of field work. This show is a joke.
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Mar 06, 2015
The head of this one was Peter MacNicol. He didn't go out in the field.
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Mar 05, 2015
Just watched the whole episode. I was bored out of my mind. I love Arquette but man I didn't like this one..I guess cyber crime just isn't my thing..I may watch one more episode to just be fair but I am not going to put this one on my to watch list..
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Mar 05, 2015
I watched about 7 minutes of it & it's completely brainless...It'll probably be a hit
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Mar 05, 2015
Yeah I thought the same thing. It's super cheesy, graphics are flying everywhere, and it'll make old people feel "computer smart".
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Mar 05, 2015
If this technology is so easy to use that anyone with half a brain can use it I expect them to be caught in approximately 10 minutes. Where is the rest of the show?
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Mar 05, 2015
Sounds like yet another heave-it-at-the-wall-and-see-if-anything-sticks series, where lazy writers pull a random technobabble contrivance-of-the-week out of their worn-out bag of tricks, sketch a slightly-different-than-last-time lame "story" around it, and hope that with new shade of lipstick you won't be smart enough to recognize the same pig you've seen 1000 times before...
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Mar 05, 2015
At least the article and comments were fun!
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Mar 05, 2015
I stopped watching the original CSI years ago, same with Miami a few years before it got cancelled. The only one I watched all the way through was NEw York. MIami and the original just got bad. I will check this out, but dont hold high hopes.
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Mar 06, 2015
I am holding out for CSI: UTI
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Mar 05, 2015
LOL @ the Vice President joke. I'll be staying far away from this show.
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Mar 05, 2015
Wow. I've heard bad things about this show, but...wow.
Poor James van der Beek.
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