19 Highlights (and Lowlights) from Lifetime's Drew Peterson: Untouchable... with .GIFs!

I'm no Nancy Grace, but my opinion is that murder is wrong. Sorry to be so controversial, but it's true: I don't think people should be murdering. And as long as we're talking about things that are wrong, I think that spousal abuse, deceit, jealousy, infidelity, and casual misogyny are also wrong. Not as wrong as murder, sure, but still plenty wrong on their own. And they're all very serious subjects, too. That's why it's strange that Lifetime Television for Women would take the real life, real awful story of Drew Peterson and turn it into one of the weirdest, most unintentionally hilarious movies I've seen in a while. Drew Peterson: Untouchable was like if The Room's Tommy Wiseau had had a bigger budget and a baker's dozen of recognizable stars, and was asked to adapt one of the less interesting true-crime stories of 2009. Sure, it ended up being a two-hour Lifetime Original Movie, but let's face it, this thing should've been split into 11-minute segments and aired on Adult Swim.

Drew Peterson: Untouchable tells the story of a blustery cop who MIGHT have murdered his fourth wife and PROBABLY killed his third wife. But since the real-life Drew Peterson hasn't yet faced trial for either, this movie largely avoids saying outright that he did anything. So it's mostly just Rob Lowe looking SUPER suspicious and acting like a turbo jerk to everybody. The whole thing was very weird.

So here are the 19 things that were the most ridiculous, hilarious, or awful about this movie. I'm not sure which is which.



1. Rob Lowe's entire "performance"


Nevermind the $8 wig and the Shredded Wheat mustache, Rob Lowe's face and voice were consistently ridiculous throughout the entire movie. His accent sounded like something out of those "Da Bears" sketches on SNL and it looked like his "chubbiness" was just a pillow stuck under his shirt. At no point did you ever forget it was Rob Lowe, but in a weird way that kind of worked for the movie? Apparently in real life Drew Peterson was an ordinary shlub who nonetheless got incredibly beautiful women to marry him, so maybe those women really saw him as Rob Lowe in a mustache.



2. Throwing a bowl of cereal


Dang, that cereal looked good, too.



3. Kaley Cuoco's motorcyclin' face


Rob Lowe wasn't the only hilarious actor in this thing. The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco played Doomed Wife #4 and her performance here was somehow even broader than her usual sitcom gig. I really have no choice but to assume that all these actors were in on the joke. I mean, I really hope they were.



4. Good parenting


This happened within the first five minutes:

Actual quote.



5. Nursing sensitivity


FYI, if you are a woman who makes a harmless reference to breastfeeding your newborn child, then you are definitely sleeping around.



6. Old-fashioned values


Also, according to Drew Peterson, women just need to be pregnant and hidden away, and he seemed straight-up baffled when his wife disagreed.



7. The very concerned neighbor


One of the movie's main characters was the next door neighbor (hi, Danny from The Shield!), whose primary role was to openly disapprove of anything having to do with Drew. Fair enough! It's just that she got REALLY involved and REALLY disapprove-y like it was her full-time job or something.



8. The hot dog situation


This is what's known as a GOOD SAVE.



9. Funeral jealousy


A very classy thing to do is, when your wife's sister dies, you should definitely accuse your wife of sleeping with the widower DURING THE FUNERAL.

Blink blink. Blink.



10. Attempted suicide shamin'


Also, when your brother attempts suicide, definitely show up at the hospital and ridicule him for botching the job and then call him a woman.



11. Typical marriage conversations


Again, that might SEEM like a scary and intense scene, but keep in mind Rob Lowe's using the most ridiculous accent AND wearing that wig. To say things didn't come off as dramatic as they were meant to be would be a wild understatement.



12. People skills


When your neighbor lady suspects you of murdering your wife, here's a good way to throw her off the scent:



13. Keeping a low profile


Also, when the media's outside your door, it's probably best to just remain as discreet as possible.




14. Cool dudin'


However, if you MUST make a scene, then try to look as ludicrous as possible.



15. The garage incident


Here's the scene that'll haunt our daydreams for some time. It involves a stolen garage opener and one soon-to-be immortal catchphrase.



16. Media credibility


Throughout the two-hour runtime, actual clips of actual Drew Peterson coverage from 2009 were edited in, which had the odd effect of NOT making things more realistic, but actually making Matt Lauer, Anderson Cooper, Meredith Vieira, and Larry King all seem like they were having a goof right alongside Rob Lowe.



17. New fiancée awkwardness


The suspicious neighbor character REALLY shone when Drew Peterson got engaged to Fiancée #5 and had her move in.

Haha classic!



18. One sexy strip search


There's really no way to describe Drew Peterson's arrest scene, but this about sums it up:



19. Setting up a sequel


Because the movie ended without any clear resolution in the murder of Wife #3 or the disappearance of Wife #4, we were instead left with a classic horror franchise device: the threat of a sequel!


You guys, I'm not gonna lie, this movie was not very good. What was YOUR favorite part?

Comments (34)
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I logged in just to say this is the greatest thing tv.com has ever had.
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I would agree that all the crazy scenes and the stupid accent made this movie a joke... except that they seem to be a pretty accurate portrayal of how Drew Peterson actually acted. He's the joke, not Rob Lowe.
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I think I am most disturbed by the fake CNN headline under Rob Lowe's face: "Why is Peterson appearing on it to clear things up for the public."



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The Soup showed the catchphrase and the strip search so that's all I saw. I feel so embarrassed for the actors.. I really hope they didn't take this too seriously or that would be very sad.
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OMG Price you are hysterical !!
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Wow you are really nitpicky. It's a movie for entertainment. It was a good movie and Rob Lowe did a great job. Get off of your high horse and give it a rest.
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Was this a drama or a comedy, because this entire recap had me chuckling.
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You may think that all these scenes were ridiculous, but I've seen most of them happen live on the local Chicago news.
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Sexy strip dance lmao
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Rob Lowe in this movie, man or muppet?
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A very manly muppet.
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So, is Lifetime like Tre Movies? I'm not at all sure, all I know is my sister is OBSESSED with True Movies and they are SO SO BAD. There's one relatively okay one that actually made me care about the main character (something about a woman whose weird neighbour put hidden cameras in her house and then made tapes for hiself to watch? Whoever the woman is that went through that in real life, I feel terrible for. The police wouldn't even arrest the man as it wasn't against any writtten laws.)

ANYway, are they pretty much the same thing, or what?
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They're mostly different, but sometimes Lifetime does a "based on a true story" movie. I think they're similar in quality/content, but Lifetimes usually aren't true.
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Oh, okay. Thanks for the answer :-)
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DVRing this shit right now~
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It sounds like shit is the perfect descriptor.
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Lifetime is playing it twice late at night back to back with the who is clark rockerfellar movie, hope you get a chance to dvr it!
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I only saw the second half. Definitely could have been better.
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The best explanation I can think of is that Kaley Cuoco has become a student of method acting, and in order to better play Penny on Big Bang Theory, she's actually becoming a struggling actress who will take on any role offered to her without question.
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Staff
I don't want to be a party pooper or anything, but Stacy Peterson (Kaley C.) went missing in 2007, yet she's clearly alive and enjoying carrying a laundry basket in a garage while a kid is wearing a Derrick Rose Bulls jersey. Rose wasn't drafted by Chicago until 2008. I really thought this was quality television until that gaffe. ... sportsnstuff
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Yaaaaaaaaaay anachronism!
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Wow, this really looks like a one-of-a-kind event. Thanks for posting this. Did you stop at 19 things because there was nothing worthy left for number 20, or because 19 has a more ominous, portentous feel to it.
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is this a comedy?
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As someone who feels very strongly against domestic violence and crimes against women and children etc, I'm appalled that I was even able to laugh at this. I feel like a horrible person. Darn you Price...I hate you so much right now. Okay I don't but still. It's good to know that once again Lifetime managed to make another "based on a true story" movie so cheesy and ridiculous that one cannot help but laugh. Most women watch Lifetime to cry tears of joy or sorrow...I personally watch to laugh my ass off at things that just shouldn't be funny but are. Like Soap Operas...or really cheesy horror movies.
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I agree with everything in your review. I just happened to stumble across this review because I am intrigued by the Drew Peterson case enough to do more research on this guy. What can I say? I love true crime and I studied to be a paralegal.
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thank you for watching it for me, this was more entertaining than actually having to sit through the movie. and i for one am sick of hearing "i'm untouchable, bitch" every commercial break when i watch how i met your mother
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Anyone who actually watches HIMYM deserves anything she gets.
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Nobody watched the movie to recommend that the actors receive Oscar's next year for an absolute tremendous performance, you twerp! Most people throughout the country did not know the details behind Peteresen the retard who believes that he's 'Big Daddy' and God's gift to women. Listen Petersen, your ship has sailed about 125 calories ago, I mean pounds...these women were enamoured with you and it cost them dearly. I pray that all of us will witness the justice coming to you!
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Nobody watched the movie to laugh uncontrollably either and yet...that's more than likely what happened. People mostly watched, I'm assuming, to see a movie account of what most people more than likely seen in the media.If they were looking for details than they must have been under a rock as the media covered it a great deal. Oh and it's Peterson with an "O" (unfortunately : ( ) Not an "E". I am with you on the prayers for justice though.
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If looking for details on such crimes, people should not look for them on Lifetime movies. I know for a fact that such movies are based only loosely on the case and may or may not be representative of the real story.
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NO RELATION, P.S.
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xD I didn't even realize the last name thing
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So you're not the big daddy, part two?
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What was my favorite part? THIS RECAP!
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