Welcome back, television! I hope the winter break served you well and you got to spend some time with your family, but it's time to get off your butt and entertain us some more. The 2013 midseason is loaded, so we've put together this
little super long reminder to remind you of where you're supposed to be and when. Don't be late, TV. Or I swear we'll all go see a movie or play a video game.
Thursday, January 3
BuckwildSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, MTV)
The series premiere of this look at horny hillbillies will make you long for the days when Snooki and The Situation classed up MTV.
What Not to WearSeason 10 Premiere (10pm, TLC)
Also known as, Everything That's in Tim's Closet. Screw you, fashion police, if I want to wear a feather boa as pants then I'm going to wear a feather boa as pants.
Friday, January 4
MerlinSeason 5 U.S. Premiere (10pm, Syfy)
It's the final season for the young wizard.
PortlandiaTV.COM PICK Season 3 Premiere (10pm, IFC)
"Cacao!" "Put a bird on it!" "We can pickle that!" And more catchphrases that guy who sells mustache wax will be saying.
Sunday, January 6
The Biggest LoserSeason 14 Premiere, Part 1 (in a special time slot of 9pm, NBC)
If these tubbies can do it, then so can you. Or do what I do and consider them as motivation to say, "At least I'm not THAT fat" and have yourself another slice of chili and mayonnaise pie.
Downton AbbeySeason 3 U.S. Premiere (9pm, PBS)
This is the true story of British people picked to live in a house and have their lives taped to find out what happens when British people stop being polite and start getting real.
Monday, January 7
The BachelorSeason 17 Premiere (8pm, ABC)
Which attention-hungry maniac will Sean Lowe choose to break off his engagement with a few months down the road?
The Biggest LoserSeason 14 Premiere, Part 2 (in its regular time period of 9pm, NBC)
Because there's always leftover chili and mayonnaise pie.
Switched at BirthSeason 2 Premiere (8pm, ABC Family)
Fun fact: Each episode of this teen-focused family soap is named after a classic work of art!
BunheadsTV.COM PICK Season 1.5 Premiere (9pm, ABC Family)
Watch star Sutton Foster break the world record for speed-talking three times in the premiere of this charming drama from the creator of The Gilmore Girls.
DeceptionSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, ABC)
Meagan Good stars as a detective who goes undercover to find out the truth about her childhood friend's death in this soapy drama that's basically Revenge without the fun.
Vanderpump RulesSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Bravo)
The lady who owns Giggy deals with the drama of owning a restaurant and saying ridiculous things.
Tuesday, January 8
Pretty Little LiarsSeason 3.5 Premiere (8pm, ABC Family)
Hot kids get tormented by other hot kids.
Betty White's Off Their RockersSeason 2 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
The elderly rise up against their youthful oppressors through prank warfare.
The Lying GameSeason 2 Premiere (9pm, ABC Family)
ABC Family's block of teaching teens to be terrible people continues with this drama based on an armful of fibs.
Cougar TownSeason 4 Premiere (10pm, TBS)
Courteney Cox's sitcom makes its debut on its new channel, where it will be allowed to be raunchier and drunker.
AfricaSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Discovery)
The colorful wildlife of the untamed continent is hunted by HD cameras in this latest from the patient cameramen of Planet Earth and Life.
The Joe Schmo ShowSeason 3 Premiere (10pm, Spike)
After nine years away, the fake reality show where everyone's in on it except for one dude returns. This time, fake contestants are fake competing to be fake bounty hunters.
JustifiedTV.COM PICK Season 4 Premiere (10pm, FX)
Handsome Raylan Givens (handsome Timothy Olyphant) is back to say some more awesome things at bad guys right before he shoots them.
The Burn with Jeff RossSeason 2 Premiere (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Oh, so he's going by just "Jeff" now. Watch the roast master as he almost gets in fights with strangers after he calls them names.
Wednesday, January 9
Stars in Danger: The High DiveSPECIAL (8pm, Fox)
Hahaha. Oh man.
The People's Choice AwardsAWARDS SHOW (9pm, CBS)
Hollywood's most hollow award will be handed out to whatever Justin Bieber tells his Beliebers to vote for.
Washington HeightsSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, MTV)
Nine twenty-somethings from New York try to make it big. Bigger than having their own MTV reality show.
Thursday, January 10
1600 PennRegular Time Period Premiere (9:30pm, NBC)
Josh Gad stars as the most annoying character on television in this sitcom about the president's family in the White House. NBC previewed the pilot of this ho-hum comedy last month. If you missed it, watch it on NBC's site.
KathySeason 2 Premiere (10pm, Bravo)
Apparently Kathy Griffin has a talk show.
Friday, January 11
BansheeSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Cinemax)
An escaped con steals the identity of a small-town sheriff, plus boobs and violence. Produced by True Blood's Alan Ball.
Sunday, January 13
The Golden GlobesAWARDS SHOW (8pm, NBC)
Celebrities show up for free booze. Hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
ShamelessTV.COM PICK Season 3 Premiere (9pm, Showtime)
It's like Parenthood if the Bravermans weren't such pussies.
GirlsTV.COM PICK Season 2 Premiere (9pm, HBO)
Lena Dunham is the voice of her generation, and that voice says, "Let's be naked or talking to each other while peeing ALL THE TIME."
EnlightenedTV.COM PICK Season 2 Premiere (9:30pm, HBO)
New Age crazy lady Amy Jellicoe keeps things uncomfortable as she battles to tear down her corporate employer in this thought-provoking parody of everything.
House of LiesSeason 2 Premiere (10pm, Showtime)
Don Cheadle talks directly into the camera a bunch and lots of sex and stuff in this fast-talking hustling dramedy about a rogue consultant firm.
CalifornicationSeason 6 Premiere (10:30pm, Showtime)
In Season 6, Hank Moody writes a musical with his druggie rockstar friend.
Monday, January 14
The Carrie DiariesSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, The CW)
This prequel to Sex and the City follows a young Carrie Bradshaw in the 1980s and features plenty of classic '80s tunes butchered by today's no-name artists who won a contest or something to get their sound heard on a CW show. Also, shoes.
ContinuumTV.COM PICK & U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, Syfy)
A hottie cop from the future warps to the past to hunt down anti-corporate terrorists in this solid sci-fi drama. Have you illegally downloaded this already?
Being HumanSeason 3 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
The best North-American-produced drama about a werewolf, vampire, and ghost sharing an apartment in Boston on television.
Lost GirlSeason 3 Premiere (10pm, Syfy)
Syfy keeps the trading line for science-fiction shows between the U.S. and Canada strong with this drama about horny succubi.
Tuesday, January 15
Face OffSeason 4 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
This fun reality competition show has weird contestants put goop and paint on models' bodies. What body modifications will judge Glenn Hetrick show up with this season?
Wednesday, January 16
American IdolSeason 12 Premiere, Part 1 (8pm, Fox)
Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey claw each other's hair extensions out while aspiring pop stars sing at them.
Ghost HuntersSeason 9 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
Maybe this is the season they'll find a ghost?
Ghost MineSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
Another ghost show. This one looks at "the intersection of the dangerous and back-breaking work of gold mining and paranormal investigation," which is an intersection I did not know existed.
WorkaholicsTV.COM PICK Season 3.5 Premiere (10pm, Comedy Central)
Hopefully you have enough time to re-up your bong stuffers and crappy beer stash for this funny thing.
Kroll ShowSERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Nick Kroll (The League) gets his own sketch show, and it's going to be weeeeeeeird.
Thursday, January 17
American IdolSeason 12 Premiere, Part 2 (8pm, Fox)
Wannabe rockstars fight with Mariah Carey's ego for attention and lose.
Anger ManagementSeason 2 Premiere (9pm, FX)
This documentary series follows Charlie Sheen as he womanizes and acts like a jerk. (Edit: I have been notified that this is actually a scripted show.)
ArcherTV.COM PICK Season 4 Premiere (10pm, FX)
Find out why you get ants in this thought-provoking and genital-stimulating animated series about a depraved spy.
King of the NerdsSERIES PREMIERE Season 4 Premiere (10pm, TBS)
A reality show in which those of the geekier persuasion battle it out for the honorary title of "King Nerd Neverlaid."
SuitsSeason 2.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
A lawyer and a non-lawyer do some lawyering together in this drama about lawyers.
LegitSERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, FX)
Australian comedian Jim Jefferies (mind the extra 'e') stars as himself in this politically incorrect comedy about a man who's trying to not be such a screw-up.
Totally Biased with W. Kamau BellSeason 2 Premiere (11pm, FX)
It's like The Daily Show, but less daily.
NewsreadersSERIES PREMIERE (midnight, Adult Swim)
This newsy spin-off of Childrens Hospital is a spin-off of Childrens Hospital so it's going to be funny.
Friday, January 18
Real Time With Bill MaherSeason 11 Premiere (10pm, HBO)
For that one dude out there who watches Real Time With Bill Maher. You're welcome, one dude!
Saturday, January 19
An Idiot AbroadSeason 3 U.S. Premiere (9pm, Science)
Ricky Gervais's knucklehead buddy continues to prove Darwin's Survival of the Fittest theory wrong by traveling around the world and not dying.
Stuff You Should KnowSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Science)
Chuck Bryant and Josh Clark turn their podcast into a TV show.
Ripper StreetU.S. SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
This BBC mini is set six months after the murders of Jack the Ripper and follows some coppers as they deal with copy-cat murders and the possibility that Jack may be back.
Sunday, January 20
Kourtney & Kim Take MiamiSeason 3 Premiere (9pm, E!)
As far as I'm concerned, they can HAVE Miami.
Monday, January 21
The FollowingSERIES PREMIERE (9pm, Fox)
Do you like serial killers? Do you like the power of social networks? Then you'll love this bloody drama about an FBI agent (Kevin F-wording Bacon!) who tracks down a group of serial killers that was cobbled together online by one of modern day's most notorious and tech-savvy serial killers.
Tuesday, January 22
The TasteSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
This primetime cooking show is different from other cooking shows because the judges will taste the food before meeting the chefs who whipped it up. After that, it's just like every other cooking show.
The Ultimate FighterSeason 16 Premiere (9pm, FX)
Grown men beat each other up to satiate the population's need for violence and maintain the subordination that is necessary to keep the dream of capitalism alive.
White CollarSeason 4.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
Matt Bomer is in this.
Wild Things With Dominic MonaghanSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
Charlie from Lost goes on paid vacations and plays with creepy animals.
Wednesday, January 23
Necessary RoughnessSeason 2.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
Contrary to what I believed would happen, this drama DID get renewed so I guess we have to keep on watching the weekly stories of a woman who is a therapist for a football team.
Thursday, January 24
Incredible CrewSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Science)
A presumably incredible crew of six young'uns pulls pranks, performs bits, and more in this sketch-comedy show from Nick Cannon.
Project RunwaySeason 11 Premiere (9pm, Lifetime)
The latest edition of the fashion war learned that tinkering with the original formula led to disaster. Oh wait, it didn't. This year, the contestants will be thrown into teams!
Friday, January 25
Spartacus: War of the DamnedSeason 3 Premiere (9pm, Starz)
Is it the third season? Or is it the fourth season? Does the prequel season Gods of the Arena count? Or do we say that was a little side trip? All will be revealed in War of the Damned!
Monday, January 28
DallasSeason 2 Premiere (9pm, TNT)
This remake of your grandmother's favorite primetime story returns one Ewing down, as star Larry Hagman passed away halfway through filming Season 2. R.I.P., J.R.
RuPaul's Drag RaceSeason 5 Premiere (9pm, Logo)
A bunch of hot ladies strut around and compete in sexy challenges. I've got my eye on the tall muscular blonde!
Wednesday, January 30
The AmericansSERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK (10pm, FX)
Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys play way-deep-undercover KGB agents living in 1981 America during the height of the Cold War and the Great Carpal Tunnel Syndrome that sprung from the popularity of the Rubik's Cube.
Thursday, January 31
Do No HarmSERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK (10pm, NBC)
A talented surgeon shares a body with a deranged hedonist in this Jekyll-and-Hyde drama that's as fun as it is completely ludicrous.
Friday, February 1
House of CardsSERIES PREMIERE (TBD, Netflix)
This political drama starring Kevin Spacey as a politician looking to move into the White House is the future of television, ladies and germs. The entire first season will be released at once, on Netflix. I don't know about you, but I'm watching the finale first.
Sunday, February 3
Super Bowl XLVIISPORTS! (6:30pm Eastern/3:30pm Pacific), CBS)
Watch Peyton Manning win his first Super Bowl with the Denver Broncos as the donkeys beat the San Francisco 49ers 23-17 if you're sober enough.
Monday, February 4
Rules of EngagementSeason 7 Premiere (8:30pm, CBS)
Really? Only seven seasons? It seems more like 3,692 seasons.
Monday MorningsSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TNT)
This show that follows the professional and personal lives of doctors in Portland is sure to be all the rage among doctors in Portland.
Tuesday, February 5
SmashSeason 2 Premiere (9pm, regular 10pm slot after, NBC)
The new season of the musical drama returns without characters Ellis, Dev, Frank, and Michael, not to mention showrunner Theresa Rebeck, who left to pursue other projects. Yep, everything was just fine with the show in Season 1.
Body of ProofSeason 3 Premiere (10pm, ABC)
Dana Delaney stars as a former surgeon turned medical examiner in this procedural that I can't believe is still on the air.
Tosh.0Season 5 Premiere (10pm, Comedy Central)
Broken bones, various states of nudity, and pus mixed together for 30 minutes. It's this generation's America's Funniest Home Videos.
Thursday, February 7
CommunitySeason 4 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
No Dan Harmon, half a Chevy Chase, and it will still probably be the best network comedy on television. Welcome back, AbedTroyJeffAnnieBrittaShirleyPierceDeanChang.
BrandX With Russell BrandSeason 2 Premiere (11:30pm, FX)
Rambling from some British guy with a superiority complex. Season 2 will be extended to an hour each episode.
Friday, February 8
TouchSeason 2 Premiere (8pm, Fox)
Martin comes back for another season of intensely staring at his son Jake who is doodling something about reuniting someone on the other side of the world with their long-lost teddy bear that jogs some memory about their father.
The JobSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, CBS)
This reality show hosted by Mrs. Les Moonves lets contestants compete in challenges for their dream job at their dream company. I can't think of a more deserving way to employ people than to see who can best other strangers in office-related tasks. "Johnson, that paper-clip chain is outstanding! You're hired!"
Sunday, February 10
The Walking DeadSeason 3.5 Premiere (9pm, AMC)
If someone were to create Zom-B-Gone, a cleaner that easily removes stains created by messy zombie brainings, they would be a post-apocalyptic millionaire!
Talking DeadSeason 2.5 Premiere (10pm, AMC)
Semi-famous people talk about The Walking Dead.
Monday, February 11
Inside ComedySeason 2 Premiere (11pm, Showtime)
The second season of Showtime's stand-up standup documentary kicks off with featured interviews with Louis C.K. and Bob Newhart.
Wednesday, February 13
Survivor: CaramoanSeason 26 Premiere (8pm, CBS)
People still be Survivin' yo. This year it's fans vs. favorites in the Philippines.
SouthlandSeason 5 Premiere (10pm, TNT)
Cops doing cop things like protecting, serving, and racial profiling. This season adds Chad Michael Murray, mom. (She's a huge One Tree Hill fan.)
Thursday, February 14
Zero HourSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
Conspiracies are theorized in this new thriller starring Anthony Edwards as the author of a skeptics magazine who gets caught up in a conspiracy of his own. And this one goes all the way to the top! Probably.
Comic Book MenSeason 2.5 Premiere (9pm, AMC)
Dudes in a comic-book shop sit around and talk about comics while trying to sell or buy comics in this show about comics (and comic-related memorabilia).
FreakshowSERIES PREMIERE (9:30pm, AMC)
This docu-series follows the family that comprises the Venice Beach Freakshow, a consortium of weirdos.
ImmortalizedSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, AMC)
A reality show about taxidermists because of course we need a reality show about taxidermists.
Sunday, February 17
The Amazing RaceSeason 22 Premiere (8pm, CBS)
Another season of people running around the globe and not even taking the time to soak in the local culture. Americans, am I right?
Tuesday, February 19
CultSERIES PREMIERE (9pm, The CW)
This meta thriller about super-obsessed TV fans re-enacting horrific acts from their favorite show and the rogue investigators trying to get to the bottom of what's going on could either be deliciously campy or utter garbage.
Friday, February 22
Out ThereSERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, IFC)
This is a trippy animated series featuring monster-ish kids going through adolescence, with an awesome voice cast that includes Fred Armisen (Portlandia), Megan Mullally (Childrens Hospital), Linda Cardellini (Freaks and Geeks), John DiMaggio (Futurama), and Pamela Adlon (Louie).
Sunday, February 24
The Academy AwardsAWARDS SHOW (7pm E/4pm P), ABC)
How many awards will Here Comes the Boom take home? Seth MacFarlane hosts for some reason.
Tuesday, February 26
Golden BoySERIES PREMIERE ("special advanced preview" at 10pm, CBS)
Brit Theo James (Bedlam, Downton Abbey) stars as a hotshot rookie cop who shoots up the ranks to become New York's youngest police commissioner. And it has Chi McBride in it!
Wednesday, February 27
Boston's FinestSERIES PREMIERE (9pm, TNT)
Real Boston cops are at the center of this reality series that puts cameras in the faces of everyone from rookie beat officers to SWAT team members.
PsychSeason 7 Premiere (10pm, USA)
The upcoming season will feature a musical episode and episodes based on Clue and The Blair Witch Project.
Thursday, February 28
The Ben ShowSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Ben Hoffman goes on different excursions, like forming a band or auditioning for a TV show, each week. With, I assume, hilarious results.
Nathan For YouSERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Nathan Fielder uses his business background to give advice to business owners and other professionals. And hopefully it's funny advice!
Sunday, March 3
The Celebrity ApprenticeSeason 13 Premiere (9pm, NBC)
This year's all-star cast features such top-notch folks as Stephen Baldwin, Claudia Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Lisa Rinna. Is this The Celebrity Apprentice or is it a collection of God's greatest creations?
Red WidowSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, ABC)
A wife and mother of three becomes a Russian gangster after her mafia husband is murdered!
VikingsSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, History)
History makes its own history with its first scripted series about the pillaging bearded drunkards of Scandinavia.
Friday, March 8
Fashion StarSeason 2 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
Project Runway is to Nordstrom, as Fashion Star is to TJ Maxx.
GrimmSeason 2.5 Premiere (9pm, NBC)
There are monsters in the world! And there are dudes who kill them! Nick Burkhardt, a Portland cop, is one of those dudes. These are his stories.
Golden BoyRegular Time Period Premiere (9pm, CBS)
Look at CBS doin' the advanced preview thing!
Monday, March 18
Dancing With the StarsSeason 16 Premiere (8pm, ABC)
See the description for The Celebrity Apprentice but just add "dancing" in there somewhere.
Bates MotelSERIES PREMIERE (10pm, A & E)
A prequel to Psycho that give us Norman Bates' backstory, from executive producers Carlton Cuse (Lost) and Kerry Ehrin (Friday Night Lights). Ree ree ree reeeeeeeeeee
Tuesday, March 19
Celebrity DivingSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
See the description for Stars in Danger: The High Dive but just add "AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" in there somewhere.
Monday, March 25
The VoiceSeason 4 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
NBC's life preserver returns for more oversaturation, but Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo Green are taking the season off. They'll be replaced by Shakira and Usher. Will racist shut-in Dorothy Jenkins, 57, of Duluth, Minnesota notice? Find out on this season of The Voice!
RevolutionSeason 1.5 Premiere (10pm, NBC)
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I can't wait for this! I bet that helicopter killed them ALL.
Sunday, March 31
Ready for LoveSERIES PREMIERE (8pm, NBC)
This matchmaking reality show moves into the technological age by letting the women of America Facebook-stalk three eligible bachelors.
Call the MidwifeSeason 2 Premiere (8pm, PBS)
This drama is set in 1950s England and is based on the memoirs of Jennifer Worth, London's Heavyweight Midwifing Champion who beat the Russians in the 1952 Midwife Bowl.
Game of ThronesSeason 3 Premiere (9pm, HBO)
After you've had your fill of hardcore midwifing, settle into this easy-going drama about families quarreling in a land of fantasy. There be dragons and walkers of the white and wolves of dire ahead! And a finale that will force at least 15 people to kill themselves.
Wednesday, April 3
How To Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)SERIES PREMIERE (9:30pm, ABC)
A divorced mother of one adorable little girl is forced to move back in with her hippie parents, and wouldn't you know it? They clash!
Monday, April 15
DefianceSERIES PREMIERE (9pm, SyFy)
SyFy returns to its roots with this hardcore sci-fi series about what happens when a consortium of alien races tries to settle on Earth and the humans are all like, OH NO THEY DIDN'T! Grant Bowler and Julie Benz star.
Wednesday, May 1
The Family ToolsSERIES PREMIERE (8:30pm, ABC)
A man takes over his family's handyman business while his father (who started the family handyman business) makes fun of him.