30 Rock: Rating Jack Donaghy's Girlfriends

  • 6comments

Tonight on 30 Rock, SNL's Jan Hooks will be taking over the guest star role and relieving the lovely Julianne Moore—a talented woman whose work I almost always enjoy but whose appearance on 30 Rock left me cold. Basically, she fell short of some of the truly outstanding women who've loved Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy. So let's rank them, shall we? Here are Jack's past loves, in order of ascending awesomeness:

7. Nancy Donovan (Julianne Moore): The problem with this character is that, aside from her beauty, I couldn't imagine the superior, effete Jack Donaghy wanting to be with her—if she didn't look like Julianne Moore, I doubt he'd be interested in a blue collar-type chick he knew from high school. Plus, her Boston accent was really, really annoying.

6. Phoebe (Emily Mortimer): When we first met Phoebe, she was an uptight British art dealer helping Jack get over his divorce. Like many of Jack's romantic interests, she gradually deteriorated into madness, although I don't think the show her the character many funny things to do, other than complain about her hollow bones.

5. Claire Harper (Jennifer Aniston): First of all, love her name. Aniston only made one appearance on the show, as a woman so nuts that Jack fell for her almost against his will. Aniston had a fun, crazy character to play, and it was amusing to see Jack go so ga-ga over someone that he was willing to wear her stupid homemade hats. In the end, though, I like Jack with a woman who is more of an intellectual match for him.

4. Bianca (Isabella Rosseliini): Full disclosure: Isabella Rosselini can do no wrong by me. She is beautiful and classy and fabulous and is also a bit of a weirdo with a fun sense of humor (see "Green Porno"). The casting of her as Jack's first wife was spot-on, as she portrayed cool and classy at the beginning and then descended into screeching madness. My favorite line of hers: "You can actually make him happy, and that makes me want to sit on a knife." Also, the lady loves her Arby's Big Beef and Cheddar.

3. C.C. Cunningham (Edie Falco): While this character was more of a “straight man” than Salma Hayek or Isabella Rosselini's characters, I loved the storyline of forbidden love between C.C. and Jack. She: a prominent liberal Senator. He: proudly conservative and mildly evil. My favorite scene was when Jack confessed his love for the Senator in the NBC Executive dining room, describing her as "my hippie dippie mama."

2. Elisa (Salma Hayek): So Salma Hayek has some comedic acting chops&$151;who knew? I loved that her character called Jack out and alerted him to the differences between the real world and his egomaniacal kingdom of riches. I loved her even more when the writers started to portray her as slightly insane—one time she gave Liz Lemon (who she always called "Lemon," which I think is hilarious) a hard kiss goodbye for no reason at all. Plus, she got to say the line, "Isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?" Finally, I think she wins award for hottest Jack Donaghy girlfriend—she was so good-looking that it actually gotten written into the script as a joke.

1. Maureen Dowd and Condoleeza Rice: Before the guest stars came in, it was written into the script that Jack casually dated both the New York Times columnist and the Secretary of State. I would especially love to see Dr. Rice appear on the show someday as Jack's dream woman—I truly think it would be a great career move.

Like TV.com on Facebook