8 TV Characters Who Need to Get Laid This Valentine's Day

It's Anti-Valentine's Day Week here at TV.com, and while other sites are celebrating the love that's in the air, we're think the love in the air stinks. Kaitlin recently played Cupid's evil twin and named seven TV couples that need to break up, and now I've compiled a list of eight characters who need to skip the love crap and get concentrate on humping. Maybe it's because they're uptight, maybe it's because they're long overdue for a screw, or maybe it's because I just want them to have sex. So put on some Marvin Gaye or go trolling in a hotel bars, it's time for these folks to get laid!

Warning: The following story contains lots of sophomoric dirty talk. If you are offended by innuendo, I politely encourage you to turn away! Also, if you are offended by innuendo, then you probably need to get laid, too.

Carol Petelier, The Walking Dead

Ahhhh, sweet Carol. The now-widow escaped an abusive relationship with her jerk of a husband Ed and moved on with the help of two monsters: a zombie and Shane. Single and fancy free, Carol is ready to party! She's made no secret of her membership in Dixon's Vixens, a female collective of ladies who are horny for Daryl, and in recent episodes, she's channeled her sexual energy into making sure kids know how to find the soft spot in a zombie's skull. Since Rick kicked her out of the group, I have no doubt that she's fondling the privates of whatever men she's encountered after leaving the prison. Someone give this woman a more than just a survival tip, if you know what I'm saying, because she's burnin' up!

Tywin Lannister, Game of Thrones

Westeros can be a cruel place, and that's mostly the fault of Tywin Lannister, the stoic and joyless head of House Buzzkill Lannister. If the guy would just embrace the sweet relief that comes from the touch of a woman (or man, if that's his preference, it doesn't matter to me), maybe there'd be a parade in King's Landing for a change, instead of just crippling oppression and poop throwing. A Lannister always pays his debts, and Tywin owes someone a good boning! It's for the good of the kingdom, y'all!

Diane Buckley, Trophy Wife

How badly does Diane, Pete's first wife on ABC's new extended family comedy, need a delivery of potent manhood? Well, the series dedicated a whole episode to finding her a bed mate because she's got a stick so far up her ass that she's choking on it. And then it turned out she already HAD a bed mate—like, for two years—but that hasn't done much to displace the stick. This lady needs to think about the mental stability of her kids and get loose, because more frequent rodgering might knock her strictness down a few notches. C'mon Diane, put on some heels and call up Russ Bradley Morrison for a date!

Chucky Marstein, Sons of Anarchy

SAMCRO's bookkeeper has a fidgety problem: He's a compulsive masturbator. To solve this concupiscent conundrum, the Asian gang he worked for cut off all his fingers except his pointers. Now the guy has an itch that he can't scratch. You know how to solve that? Compulsive porking! So what if he doesn't have all his digits, he still has all the equipment he needs for a good round of bumpin' uglies. How about some of the Cara Cara porno girls lend him the hands (and more) that he needs? 

Felicity Smoak, Arrow

You think YOU feel all tingly watching Oliver Queen walk around shirtless once a week? Imagine seeing that every day of your life, and being so close to the real thing that you can smell the beads of sweat between his abdominal muscles. That's the problem facing Arrow's fan-favorite IT tech, who's naturally totally crushing on Oliver. As the bumper sticker says, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, so we recommend that Felicity take her talents to another man until Oliver is ready to put an arrow in her quiver! Hey-yo!

Stuart Pritchard, Hello Ladies

Oh God, please, someone, anyone... someone capital F this guy. PLEASE. It's so sad. The man at the center of HBO's sorta canceled comedy (it will end with a special) redefines desperate in a way that we never thought possible. Hello ladies, he's eight-feet tall and has a British accent, isn't that enough?

Joe McAlister, Under the Dome

Teen hormones have overtaken the young hero of CBS's summer hit to such a degree that even when an enormous dome transformed his hometown into an oversized terrarium and everyone's lives were instantly in danger, he put more effort into getting into Norrie's pants than  trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Norrie, just give it up so he can use his mad math skills to solve the mystery of Chester's Mill, won't ya? You don't need a whole cup o' Joe, just a few lovin' teaspoons.

Nancy Grace

I mean, right?

Good luck out there, guys. But even if these eight don't put the index finger in the "okay" sign, maybe they can do the next best thing and earn a spot on a next list of TV's best masturbation moments. Have a happy Valentine's Day everybody, and remember, when all else fails, lower your standards!

Which TV characters would you add to this list? 

Like TV.com on Facebook