Dear Suze Orman,
More than any other year, 2011 will be a year of milestones for you. First up, tomorrow night you'll celebrate your TENTH anniversary of The Suze Orman Show on CNBC! Then later this spring you'll release your eagerly anticipated new book of financial advice, The Money Class, in which you'll fully expound upon your philosophy of the New American Dream. THEN, as if to punctuate these achievements with an exclamation point, in June you'll turn the Big 6-0! Which… Are you KIDDING ME? You don't look a day over 31! It's hard to believe how much you've accomplished over the years, Suze Orman, and I'm sure you're simply aglow with the hard-earned satisfaction from all your achievements so far. However, before you kick up your boots and relax for the rest of the year, there is one more milestone on the horizon, one which you may not be aware of just yet. Suze Orman, I feel that this is the year that we become best friends.
Hear me out.
First of all, did I mention what an accomplishment it is to host The Suze Orman Show for ten whole years? Congratulations again. I bring it up because I myself have only watched the show for three months now and I have learned TONS. For example, I now know all about the importance of an eight-month emergency fund, as well as never co-signing a student loan, and certainly NEVER taking out a loan against my 401(k). If I can learn so much in three months, then holy moly, TEN YEARS of that kind of advice? It's unfathomable how much you know! But anyway, this is all beside the point. Do you like Applebee's?
I've really come to enjoy your presence on my television, Suze Orman. Not just because I think that you're a whiz with numbers, but mostly because you've just got great presence. You're not robotic like a lot of cable news personalities, and you've got tons of no-nonsense sassy spunk to donate to the neediest viewers among us. I also like that you're not fake-sympathetic or overly personal like a lot of other talk show hosts. You just want to hear the caller's question so you can get on with the advice. I just like the way you do things, Suze Orman. Also, I have a 2-for-1 coupon for laser tag. Interested?
And those jackets! How do you—Where do you—You know what? I don't even want to know. You probably have legions of designers worldwide who design these jackets for you and IT SHOWS. Every week without fail, your fashion savvy threatens to eclipse even your financial savvy (which is SAYING SOMETHING). A real treat for the eyes, your wardrobe is, and I, for one, am grateful. Question: Do you and Jillian Michaels ever get together and T.P. Dr. Phil's house? Can I come next time?
So, I have to be honest with you, Suze Orman. I probably won't ask you very many questions about money when you are my best friend. The reason for that is I barely have any money, and what I do have I spend on blue-raspberry-flavored candy (ANY BRAND), so I don't really need advice about money I don't have. In other words, I don't want to be your friend for the advice. No, the reason I think you should be my best friend is that you are HILARIOUS and I like to laugh. Simple. You just seem fun. Now, I realize that what's funny about your show is not always intentional, but I admire that about you. You're willing to be over-the-top or weirdly prone to non-sequiturs because I think YOU KNOW it's funny and weird and you no longer care what people think of you. That's what I want in a friend. Someone who just doesn't give a shit.
Suze Orman, I am half your age. I also do not own a mansion and rarely, if ever, go to Florida. But I think we still have a lot in common! True, all I know about you I've learned from watching your show and reading your Twitter feed, but I have a feeling about you. I feel like I already KNOW you, Suze Orman. You've never actually said it, but I definitely get the sense that you like dance movies (ME TOO!) and Coke Zero (who doesn't?!) and Costco pizza (a.k.a. the BEST). If we hung out, we could do all sorts of fun things, like drink a ton of chardonnay and then go roller skating. Or I could get us tickets to Les Misèrables and we could go IN COSTUME. Popsicles, so many popsicles. Everyone we know will be like, "There they go again. Those two!"
Do you see what I'm saying, Suze Orman? You can't afford NOT to be my friend. Our friendship will pay incredible dividends and passing it up would be as insane as NOT meeting an employer's 401(k) matching contribution (i.e. GIVING MONEY AWAY) or NOT paying off your highest-interest credit card before the others (RIDICULOUS!).
So think it over, Suze Orman. If you are wondering if you can afford to be my best friend, then let me tell you that you are APPROVED, GIRLFRIEND!
Congratulations again on all your milestones. Please meet me at Applebee's.
All my best,
(Your Future Best Friend)