When you weren't staring wistfully into the Cro-Magnon eyes of Bachelor Brad Womack last night, you may have caught ABC's announcement of the next cycle of Dancing With the Stars. And then you were all like, "Whaaaa?"
The show will only be living up to three-fourths of its name. I assume there will still be dancing. And the dancing will be "with" people. I'm being generous by allowint the "the," but in no way can this roster full of "who dats?" and has-beens really be considered a list of "stars."
Full disclosure: I've never seen Dancing With the Stars, and nor will I ever, as the show is the equivalent of rubbing raccoon urine into my eyes. But you don't have to watch DWTS to recognize a good crop of attention-starved C-listers. Aside from Christmas and baseball's Opening Day, the DWTS cast announcement is the best day of the year (and I mean that with only 90 percent hyperbole). Who can forget last season's announcement, when the hits just kept coming? There was Mike "The Situation" Jersey Abs Tan, Jennifer Grey's nose job, Michael "Kenny G." Bolton, Satan-spawn Bristol Palin, and David Hasselhoff—who is such a mockery of himself he doesn't even need a nickname. Those once-in-a-lifetimers were bolstered by great supporting names like Margaret Cho, Audrina Patridge, and Brandy. That was a good cast. Ahh, the good old days of last year.
Last night, we got... supremely disappointed with a side of suicide watch. We want spectacle, potential devastation, AND bona fide celebrities. We need gasoline, flamethrowers, and napalm strikes. Instead, ABC gave us a glass of tap water with something floating in it. Ladies and germs, your 2012 Dancing With the Stars contestants:
Fat Actress, stuffy Cheers bar owner
Yep, that's it. Impressed? As a wise old man pointed out to me, The Apprentice's celebrity cast—featuring Gary Busey, LaToya Jackson, Meatloaf, Lil' John, and David Cassidy—is much better this year, and when DWTS gets out-Trumped by The Apprentice and NBC, you know it's a stinker.