ABC's Wednesday Comedies: The B---- Has a Good Week 3 (Also: What Is Your Current Opinion of Modern Family?)

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This week's FTWinsday was more like three reruns and Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23, but let's chat about it because Don't Trust the B---- IS slated as the prima donna of the ABC Comedy Block. If the ABC Comedy block was Black Swan, That There Is a Bitch in Apartment 23 is Natalie Portman (especially the crazy parts);Suburgatory is slutty, smirky Mila Kunis; and Modern Family is Winona Ryder, formerly great but threw herself into traffic, all pilled up and effed up and haunted by the inevitable march of time. I love ballet.


The Middle (rerun): I spent this half-hour catching the end of Enough with J.Lo, and my goodness is that movie crazy. J.Lo basically plays Jerry to her husband's weird, abusive, obsessive Tom and pummels him with all kinds of crazy gags. Booby traps! Watches that spray mace! I love it.


Subugatory (rerun): Except that it's also a horrifying tale that makes the hero's journey that of being OKAY with murdering someone, which never sits quite well with me. Same kind of thing is that Ashley Judd movie, Double Jeopardy, where she spends so much time in a prison laundry stewing clothes in a big kettle that it becomes okay for her to shoot her husband "in the middle of Mardi Gras"? It's still a tragic ending, because she dated a psycho who turned her into a psycho. Talk about a great double feature for battered women's shelter movie nite though.


Modern Family (rerun): Okay, can we talk about Blue Ribbon Choice awards early? Because people seem split into two camps in our comments circle about Modern Family (let's call it a comments circle, because I think of it as like a book club where we all sit around and weigh in). Some people LOVE LOVE LOVE Modern family, and Seriously That Bitch Is Crazy in Apartment 23 has re-ignited this passion. Others seem like, "Yuck, stop, it’s done Modern Family, it’s done, put your clothes back on and get out of the room, ho." Yet the show consistently gets low marks from BOTH camps, regularly clocking in behind Suburgatory. Can we discuss? I think the show needs higher stakes, I've said that for a while. Everyone seems so...safe. Like, an actual plotline: They have to rent out a boat for Cam's birthday party. "OH NO," says no one, ever.


Who’s That Bitch in Room 23?! ("The Parent Trap"): So let's talk about Apartment #23 is just a Hive of Heartless Bitches. Last week I expressed concern over the thought of ever being able to enjoy a sociopath wreaking havoc on the world, but this week I just decided to roll with it and enjoy Krysten Ritter’s ability to cut glass with her delivery and swan around like a 2k12 heartless Auntie Mame, and it was awesome. Maybe this age of parsing out human traits into easily slapped-on labels has given us too much permission to disenfranchise people. (“He is a sociopath.” “She is a slut.” “Just plain passive-aggressive, Stan.” “Watta bitch.”) So while Chloe is definitely a sociopath, labeling someone as a psychological profile is a bit like labeling a musical piece “classical.” There’s quite a range there, and similarly much more to the human soul, and let's get back to the episode, which was amazing. James Van Der Beek’s assistant was hilarious when he read scripts aloud, and I loved how Chloe came to a breakthrough moment by reading a bad sitcom screenplay (so meta!), and poor June running alongside her boss in heels and picking up the slack/becoming a weary single mom was awesome (and then she had the flip-out moment! She shook the baby, and it was relatable if you’ve ever dealt with teens, and funny that she finally got to be the unhinged one). In the genre of “funny young people share an urban apartment” I think Bitch! Get out of Apartment 23! is my new favorite, easily defeating its successful thematic predecessors, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, and Are You There, Chelsea?. Let me know if you agree!

Rating: 6.6 (the devil’s score!)


As for our Blue Ribbon Choice Awards from last week:

The Middle: NO ONE VOTED FOR THE MIDDLE WHATSOEVER Y'ALL. WHUUT?

Suburgatory: 7

Modern Family: 6.75

Don't Trust That Big Ole Bitch!: 7.5


See what I'm saying here? People will talk about how much they love Modern Family and then be like, "But yeah this episode sucked, 6.5." So clearly the show has talented actors and beloved characters, it just needs to fix something. What do y'all think? I'd like things to go dark, because I am an evil TV Loki. Although dealing with the demons of poverty clearly isn't helping out The Middle, which none of y'all even bothered to rate, that's how much people are invested in the Heck family. So you tell me: What would re-ignite your romance with Modern Family?


QUESTIONS:

– What can Modern Family do to spice things up?

– Have you ever seen Enough? Should J. Lo get that haircut again?

– Is anyone watching Missing? Is Ashley Judd basically reprising her character from Double Jeopardy?

– Have you ever snapped at a surly teen?