America, Meet Your New Survivors

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If I were to walk up to you and say "Hey, want to be on a TV show where you eat bugs and sleep in the rain and can't poop for thirty days because all you're eating is government-grade rice, oh and you're in a foreign country," most of you would slap me in the face and run away. Because that is a normal, rational response to someone saying "No, it'll be great, did I mention the eating bugs part?" But, there are at least 20 people in this world who would react a bit differently. Presented with the option of shrinking away into a skeletal nothing while strange bugs (that you will later eat) burrow under your skin and some guy is naked on the beach shouting at sea urchins, some people say "Yes!!!" These people are crazy. These people are your new Survivor: Samoa cast.

Yeah, it's time for that thing again! And I don't mean to sound dismissive, because I'm not. Survivor is still, in its one millionth season, pretty darn fascinating, even though everyone now is really aware that it's a reality show, so they hype up to the cameras a bunch in the hopes of becoming, what, the next Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Strange that people would wish brain injury on themselves.

Anyway! There are 20 of these jokers, but only a few truly standout in the cast descriptions that just came out today. Don't ask how I have access to such information, just know that I do. Here we go:

'Danger' Dave Ball grew up in a family full of preachers but don't be fooled because he is not your typical 'son of a preacher man.' After he earned a degree in opera from Oklahoma State, this 'rock and roll rebel' took many odd jobs to stay afloat including one as a flight attendant at a major airline."

Is that not a terrific (and terrifically sad) reality show description? If you are going to go on a reality show where you're going to pee your spandex pants from hunger, you want to be known as the rock 'n roll opera stewardess. That is the only way to succeed.

Who else!

"After going through a wild time in her youth, this former hippie has now been clean and sober for 21 years. Betsy Bolan’s overcome a number of obstacles in her life and is ready to tackle the next one, especially, now that she has become the person 'she’s always dreamed of being.'"

Oh isn't that nice! Betsy isn't a stoned hippie anymore. Now she's a responsible mom living in New Hampshire (where hippies go to die) and is totally normal. Well, totally normal except she decided to be on a TV show where she will literally turn inside out from starvation and probably be killed by marauding bands of fire ants. Other than that, though, Betsy is a recovered interesting person safely living an uninteresting life.

On to:

Mike Borassi, 62: "This California transplant, originally from New York, will do or say anything to become the next SURVIVOR. "

That's sad, old man. That is stone cold sad. Anything? Really, anything? You want to tell the producers, at your age, "Yeah sure guys, I'll do anything." Well, OK. Dude used to coach for the Boston University football team, and as any smart Boston College grad will tell you (Eagles!), it pretty much sucks to BU. So, makes sense that he'd tell a reality show that he'd do anything. Mike! Enjoy eating bugs every day. Really. Sounds fun. Bugs. You're eating them.

Oh here's a good one:

"Ben Browning is a transplanted country boy helping to run some of the most successful bars and restaurants in Los Angeles. A bar supervisor and drink mixologist, Ben is often seen with a girl on each arm and boldly claims he’s never been rejected. 'I’m one of those people that just get lucky for some reason, if I want it, I do what I have to do to get it.'"

A "drink mixologist" from LA who thinks he's a player. Oh dear. Probst is going to have to clean up his remains with a dust-buster, isn't he?

OK, one more:

"Smart, funny, charming and a doctor, Mick Trimming is every single woman’s dream and every single man’s nightmare. At 33 years old, this Idaho import is a resident anesthesiologist at UCLA who takes great pride in his intense occupation. ... Involved in an all consuming residency life, Mick’s pet peeve is when patients, who have neglected their health throughout their whole lives, come to him with extraordinary demands."

Yes, not only is there a lothario doctor who hates sick people on this season, there is a lothario doctor who hates sick people named Mick mother-f'ing Trimming. Mick Trimming. If that's not the acme of porn names, then my name isn't Rock Ridgeton.

So those are some of the fun Survivor people who you can watch on your TV soon! There is also a 39-year-old grandmother from Hawaii, where evidently babies get made just by eating the wrong pineapple and it can happen when you are 10. There is a lawyer lady from New York City (no, I don't know her, it's a big place!). There is a rocket scientist who your lovable Survivor PR gurus describe as "charmingly cocky." Which isn't actually a thing, but you know, whatever. That same rocket scientist also says that his favorite hobby is "winning." Which, you know, is funny because saying that your favorite hobby is winning automatically means that you've lost, so the whole thing's kinda moot, right?

I am excited! Survivor lives or dies by the quality of the freaking bug-eating weirdos who decide to subject themselves to the reality show's miseries, and this crop seems like a good one. I mean, Mick Trimming? Correct. Absolutely correct. It's just a shame that some of these folks will disappear from our lives so quickly. Oh fleeting time.

Info on these fools and everybody else can be found here. Get your alliances ready, y'all!

PHOTOS: Meet the cast of Survivor: Samoa