Call me a weirdo, but while most of America looks forward to new fall season that includes shows about the power going out and, I don't know, monkey doctors, pretty much ALL I can think about is the new season of FX's American Horror Story. When Ryan Murphy's campy horror dramedy first premiered last year it was hard to know whether it would ever evolve past the bizarre horror mixtape of the pilot, but boy did it ever! The season stayed bizarre, of course, but who could've guessed it would've been as sad and haunting (pun NOT intended) as it ended up? Great television, made even moreso by its audacious between-seasons reset. Whoops, we were tricked into watching an anthology series!
Which brings us to the upcoming Asylum chapter of AHS starting in October. We still don't even know for sure what DAY it begins, but FX has seen fit to start teasing us mercilessly with fragments of footage possibly excerpted from the new opening credits sequence. As we all know the first season's title sequence was itself a season-long teaser since its imagery continued showing up in the show itself (save for that man with the garden shears whose plotline was excised for time). So let's take a look at the teasers that have been released so far and attempt to figure out what it all means! (And more importantly HOW it all relates to Chris Zylka's character!)
Here they are, be careful:
TEASER #1: "Special Delivery"
What on earth is that litterbug nun dumping in the field? At first I assumed she was disposing of body parts, but now I think she's leaving food out for some kind of terrible hell-beast. Or possibly a friendly puma. Oh, I really hope there is a friendly puma plotline.
TEASER #2: "Blue Coat"
Well, obviously it's laundry day at the nightmare nunnery and white-mask nun was just trying to do a solid for the corner chillin' nun. But then white-mask nun goes and gives us the SIDE-EYE? Aw, hell no, girl!
TEASER #3: "Hydrobath"
So, someone filled up the bathtub with milk and then turned the whole thing sideways so it didn't look like a big version of ladyparts. Then some guy or gal was bobbing up and down and then got zipped inside! This could honestly happen to anyone.
TEASER #4: "White Rose"
I feel like anybody who has allergies can relate to this woman. Get outta that flower, girl!
TEASER #5: "Ascend"
White nun was all annoyed because clearly the asylum had a pest issue what with all the scuffling under the stairs and whatnot. But I bet when she called the pest control dude he didn't find anything and she felt super embarrassed about it. (This will be a three-episode arc.)
TEASER #6: "Glass Prison"
That ghoul is like, "What is this, Miami Vice? Glass brick is SO '80s you guys!" Just kidding, the ghoul is just growling about whatever. Relax, ghoul. You're smudging the glass and we're low on Windex.
UPDATE! TEASER #7: "The Bucket"
Not gonna lie, this does NOT look like a fun rave.
So there you have it! What do YOU think it all means??