American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" Review: Tongue Twisted (PHOTO RECAP)

American Horror Story S03E07: "The Dead"


Here is an intimate and sexy question for you: Do you remember the first time YOU had a three-way with a pair of undead abominations? Probably not; three-ways with a pair of undead abominations are a pretty common thing these days and we've all participated in so many of them that it's hard to keep track of the FIRST time. But believe me, there used to be a time when a three-way with a pair of undead abominations was considered unusual. Special, even. Personally, I am the world's oldest living man and I grew up in more conservative times. Back then parents didn't even deliver the birds and the bees and the three-ways-with-a-pair-of-undead-abominations talk until college, if at all. So many of us went blindly, carelessly into three-ways with a pair of undead abominations, just sort of fumbling around awkwardly among all those cold and floppy body parts. But it was a rite of passage, you know? Fortunately nowadays even popular entertainments talk openly and candidly about three-ways with a pair of undead abominations. Heck, Glee has devoted at least four episodes to this topic. So while American Horror Story: Coven was late to the game with regard to three-ways with a pair of undead abominations, this week's episode "The Dead" certainly deserves points for dealing with it in a heartfelt, sensible, and classy way. Finally, a portrayal of a three-way with a pair of undead abominations that the Parents Television Council can approve of. Kudos, show.

Just kidding, this episode smelled VERY weird, you guys. I know it is TV and therefore shouldn't smell but I definitely had to put eucalyptus rub under my nostrils like in Silence of the Lambs. But "The Dead" was also a VERY good episode. Everybody got laid, yes, but some people even got PLAYED. I liked "The Dead" a lot. Let's talk about it.


We started, as most things do, in a shady New Orleans tattoo parlor where a couple of dudes were getting bad tattoos while Kyle yelled at everybody.


In a poignantly ironic admission, Kyle claimed he didn't want to get some dumb tattoo because he had plans to become the next great engineer who would prevent Katrina 2.0 and you literally cannot do that with some stupid four-leaf clover on your inner elbow. Aw dang, he had such a future ahead of him. Now Madison's gonna feel ESPECIALLY bad about murderizing him with ESP.


Plus now he had to live with all the bad tattoo choices his friends had made. Yet another thing Madison was going to feel bad about probably. Why'd you pick those tacky-ass limbs, girl? I really hope she'll figure out SOME WAY to make up for these mistakes.

But just when Kyle's day could not get any worse, look who showed up:



It was Zoe! As we all know Zoe is no stranger to bad decisions or mercy-killing, but in this episode she seemed especially murder-thirsty. 



But in addition to being murder-thirsty she was also belligerent-blonde-hunk-thirsty. So nope, Kyle would not be murdered this day.

Meanwhile, Madison gave a truly outstanding voiceover monologue in which she compared her current, numb-to-pain, undead state to her entire generation. Yes, it was an obvious comparison, but also sort of brilliant. Sometimes obvious things are brilliant, just ask a Push-Pop. 


So Madison was wandering around the house eating all the food (without gaining weight!) and drinking all the potions and also burning her hand with a lighter. Typical Millennial behavior! 

But then all of the food was gone, so Queenie and Delphine couldn't binge-eat in the middle of the night. That's how we arrived at THIS particular season/series highlight:

Haha oh man. First of all, whose minivan was that? (They just HAD to take a minivan, right?) But also we haven't gotten nearly enough "Delphine vs. modern society" scenes, so watching her be frightened by a drive-thru speakerbox really made me laugh. Also when she claimed that cheeseburgers were the greatest thing she'd ever tasted. I AGREED.

Also, again, I loved seeing these two become friends. But things took a turn for the uncomfortable when Delphine (astutely?) pointed out that Queenie was ultimately an outsider within her coven. I mean, sure, Delphine was a racist and terrible person in general, but what she said certainly seemed to strike a chord with Queenie. I don't know BRB cheeseburger time.


Then Cordelia knocked over everything on her bedside table so that she could answer the phone and slut-shame her husband.


But despite seeming super distraught, he also seemed super in the mood to murder witches. That is my theory anyway, just judging from his array of guns. Watch out, girl!

Meanwhile Cordelia's night got even worse when she almost fell down the stairs (careful, blindey!) and Madison caught her and then suddenly Cordelia knew all of Madison's secrets. 

Specifically the one about Fiona having slashed Madison's throat. Whoops! Honestly, that looked pretty bad on Fiona's part. Kind of no getting around that.

Speaking of Fiona, she'd gone home with the Axeman to get her swerve on.

Honestly these two had a passion that could heat a fire. They were sexy as hell. Just kidding no offense but I was very bored here. I mean, Axeman, where is your axe? Fiona, throw somebody across the room or something. I don't want to see you two flirting, that is gross. Old people don't feel love or horniness, this is an outrage. Teens only!

Then Fiona went to the bathroom and her hair started falling out, which made her very un-horny.

Also there was a dead body in the bathtub. It was probably the owner of the apartment, which answered my question about why a man who'd been dead for a century had such a cool, chill apartment still. Sorry buddy, but the Axeman needed to get laid.

Even though Fiona was mad about her hair falling out, the Axeman grinded up on her and she got horny again and that was that. This part was basically like Red Shoe Diaries but without David Duchovny or sexiness.

Meanwhile Zoe put her gun away and decided to teach Kyle how to speak, specifically the difference between hamburgers and food, which was OFFENSIVE to me. Those are NOT separate things. Kyle agreed:

Yeah, he was just not having it. Beat it, Zoe. Let a more worldly lady take control:

Aw, this was sort of sweet: Madison and Kyle bonded over how horrible death was. No bright lights, no "peace." Just cold, dark emptiness. But because they were now not only undead but undead MILLENNIALS, they agreed that being alive seemed very similar to being dead. Oh get over it, kids. Go to college or something.

Meanwhile Queenie paid Marie Laveau a visit at her salon and backyard gumbo restaurant (?). This scene was obviously brilliant, because Angela Bassett is perfect in every way. But also because Marie Laveau was trash-talking Fiona's coven SO HARD. 

Honestly, Marie Laveau's argument that Fiona had literally dug up one of the worst people in the history of the world was a pretty sound one. What kind of organization would be cool with that? So Marie Laveau cut Queenie a deal: She'd let Queenie live there if she brought LaLaurie over. What an interesting proposition! 

But it wasn't as interesting as the 17-minute side-eye that Marie Laveau gave Queenie as she left. HAHAHA ANGELA BASSETT YES!!

Meanwhile Cordelia decided to make some tea and propose a new plan to Zoe.

Whoops, Cordelia was now officially in the mom-killing business! Which seemed pretty fair I guess. Fiona had done tons of terrible things and now Cordelia was the only one who really knew about them. Plus, now that Zoe was morphing into a biiiiiiit of a maniac, this was going to be one gruesome twosome!

But OMG:

THERE WE GO. How had AHS waited until EPISODE 7 for this moment? Two undead teens humpin' around all over the place! Uh-oh, I hope nobody gets undead pregnant. At this point all bets are off, except for the one about needing more deodorizer in that bedroom. That the bedroom probably smells terrible is the safest bet anybody could make.

Meanwhile the next morning Fiona and the Axeman were walking around the apartment like cowboys (because of so much sex) and she admitted she was fully aware of the dead guy in the bathtub, and he admitted he'd been creepin' on her since she was a child.

Like there was this one time when Fiona was a tiny girl and she was being bullied by a grown-ass woman, and the ghost of Axeman pushed a china cabinet onto the ol' meanie.

Also he loved to creep on her when she slept:

But guess what? Fiona was NOT turned on by this news. Having sex with ghostly axe murderers was fine in her book, but if that ghost had spent upwards of 60 years watching her undress, well, that was crossing the line. Honestly, I agreed with her here. Don't be creeps, ghosts!

Meanwhile Zoe's first step in the ruination and/or murder of Fiona was to deal with the mute butler situation. And to do that she first found his tongue in the secret witch closet (still wet and alive!) and brewed up some quick magic.

Man, what I wouldn't give for a swig of that doll-head soda. (Billion dollar idea: Doll Head Soda. To be sold at Hot Topic or whatever, I don't know. BRB going on Shark Tank.)

So anyway, Zoe placed the tongue back in Spalding's mouth so that he could talk, but he immediately sassed her! He sassed her so much! Which was a bold move considering he was a full-grown man wearing a chartreuse kimono. Anyway, his tongue was still enchanted and he had to tell the truth, so he admitted that Fiona had been the real murderer. Then Zoe murdered HIM.

Well, Spalding, you had a nice run. The nicest run. Just a great life doing wonderful things. You'll be missed deeply. Thoughts and prayers to Spalding's family.

Apparently Queenie was still mulling over Marie Laveau's offer, so she finally decided to confront Madame LaLaurie about what she'd done in her past. When asked what was the worst thing she'd done, LaLaurie described the time she murdered her #1 slave's newborn baby on account of her husband having fathered the child. Oh, and then she bragged about using its blood as a moisturizer, directly to the mother. ("Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's [the blood of a newborn]." —Maybelline)

I truly don't want to be controversial here, but I think LaLaurie was wrong to have done this and Queenie agreed.

There was this weird moment where Delphine seemed almost sympathetic as she pleaded that she came from "not only a different time, but a different WORLD." I am not a historian but I'm fairly sure most people of that time/world didn't use the blood of newborns for skin treatment and then gloat about it to the newborns' mothers. So part of me was like, "Oh, Delphine seems awful sorry," but then the rest of me was like "Whoa, is that first part of you insane or something? Is that other part of you having a stroke? Honest question." Anyway, yeah.

So after Zoe washed off all of Spalding's blood, Madison approached her in the bathroom to have a frank convo about corpse sex. I'm honestly not sure because I was so obsessed with the bathroom fireplace that I couldn't function. A BATHROOM FIREPLACE. How had I not noticed this before? Also: I WANT ONE. GIVE ME ONE. I want a bathroom fireplace right now. Right now. 'Tis the season! 'Tis the season for bathroom fireplaces. Why can't I be rich? Why? WHY?

Then Madison did this, and IT WAS ON.

HAHAHAH YES. Yes. Yes. And yes. A three-way with a pair of undead abominations. Is there anything sexier? Probably not. I will check on that, but probably not. Let's just say no.

Meanwhile Fiona's hair was still falling out and she almost buzzed it off but then she heard saxophone music and I guess got horny again so she went to the club and confronted her man.

Was the Axeman the love of Fiona's life? It sure was looking that way. Oh, Fiona.

Meanwhile Queenie lured LaLaurie to Marie Laveau's salon with the promise of a new weave. That's when Marie Laveau appeared STRIKING A POSE. 

Then several huge dudes grabbed Madame LaLaurie and locked her in a cage, which has happened to the best of us, but not necessarily while we were wearing stretched-out Ed Hardy sweatshirts with bedazzled tigers on them. That has honestly never happened to me. #blessed

Then Queenie ran at her with a scythe because sure. Why not? Queenie had also once masturbated in front of a minotaur for little-to-no reason, so yeah, let's turn her into torture-master while we're at it! 

And that's how we concluded with surely the most glorious image ever seen with human eyes:

You can't tell from a still image, but the facial expressions Angela Bassett was giving off in this moment were truly incredible. Have you ever seen so much fiery fury radiate from a human face? I couldn't decide if I was chilled to my bones or TURNED ON. Angela Bassett forever-ever-ever.

"The Dead" was another one of the great ones, guys. The bountiful cornucopia that is American Horror Story: Coven just keeps delivering week after week, and this episode had so many highlights. So many. More than enough to tide us over for two weeks. More than enough to provide talking points for Thanksgiving dinner. FINALLY we can have interesting conversations with our families. "Grandma Ruth, remember the minotaur scene?" "Little Maddie just loved that incest-retribution matricide!" "Everybody finish that pumpkin pie so we can revisit the three-way-with-a-pair-of-undead-abominations scene AS A FAMILY."

TRULY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Bye.


QUESTIONS:

... Did you feel bad for Delphine?

... Wait, is Cordelia suddenly a BAMF now?

... Will Marie Laveau's friendship with Queenie be put to the test when she hears what Queenie did with her ex?

... Can zombies get pregnant?


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May 01, 2014
Minotaur masturbation and undead abominations threesomes...LOL...this show! Speaking of, every season has had that moment where it includes a story arc that goes one step too far. Well, truthfully, it was pretty much all of Murder House and the whole alien thing in Asylum. Here, we have Fiona and Axeman...ugh!

"This scene was obviously brilliant, because Angela Bassett is perfect in every way."

Still no national treasure, huh? :(

"I'm honestly not sure because I was so obsessed with the bathroom fireplace that I couldn't function. A BATHROOM FIREPLACE. How had I not noticed this before? Also: I WANT ONE. GIVE ME ONE."

LMAO

"The facial expressions Angela Bassett was giving off in this moment were truly incredible. Have you ever seen so much fiery fury radiate from a human face? I couldn't decide if I was chilled to my bones or TURNED ON. Angela Bassett forever-ever-ever."

Treasure?
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Dec 02, 2013
20Mins into this episodewe officially cancelled the series on our DVR. It was a sad moment because seasons one and two were brilliant. But this season has been utterly boring, the story seems to go nowhere, the characters have the depth of a kiddy pool. Sad day in my house. Hopefully next season is better.
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Nov 28, 2013
I really missed Nan and Misty this episode and kinda felled like the whole thing was a little disjointed, but no episode this season has been bad and this one is no exception. Though I am waiting for the surprise, because an all out war seems too obvious and that's not really what this show does.
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Nov 26, 2013
I watched that opening seen with Kyle and Zoe again and again.. this may be a bit far fetched, but when the gun went off, it looked like Zoe reflected that bullet away from her. The bullet's trajectory seemed to be about parallel with the ground and into her face, but some how the bullet did a ninety degree and went straight up towards the skylight. Maybe it's bad camera or could be a sign of just how powerful Zoe truly is.
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Nov 26, 2013
i want to go to that Thanksgiving Dinner
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Nov 24, 2013
You know what i keep thinking..for a Supreme Fionna is a so tight up with herself, that most of the time she has no clue what is going on at the school.
Where was Nan? Missed her this episode..
Bad bad Queeni....loved the scene with her and Delphine...at the burgershops started fun till she had to make a racisst comment..which lure Queeni to Marie..
Zoe is really becoming a baddass...!! She is strong...i think she should be the new Supreme instead of Madison...
The voice over with Madison was awesomely done...love her also in We are the Millers...She and Kyle....i could know that something like that could happen...like she said..she understands him as they have both died..
Poor kyle...loved the begin scene, him complaining about his friends tattoos and then looking at his own body, seeing he has arm and a leg of his friends attached to him...
Cordelia was cool this episode. We have to kill my mother!!!! Sounds very cool...
Zoe killing the poor guy, after giving his tongue back to him....like a said badass!!
The whole Fionna and Axeman was boring, till he told her when she was little. Loved that scene....!!
Poor Delphine in the end...is it bad to fee sorry for her, as she was a awefull person?? She seemed to trying to redeem herself and really become friends with Queeni...So sad...Wonder what Marie is going to do to her..???
LOVE THIS SEASON!!
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Nov 26, 2013
yeah in a truly smart way American Horror Story was making you question if anyone is ever beyond the point of redemption with Delphine. if even in spite of everything she did in her past, was queenie wrong to betray her trust and deny her a second chance?
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Nov 27, 2013
I don't think it is up too Queeni to make a decision like that, based on the stories she heard...I mean come on..when Queeni was hurt by the animal guy, i recall that Delphine was the one who was taking care of Queeni...and keeping her save...so...on the otherside, the flasbacks of Delphine being the evil things she was, doesn't help her case...
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Nov 24, 2013
Sorry, but Axeman and Fiona are awsome! The scenes w those two were great, how can anyone think otherwise? I cant wait for more of those two!!!!
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Nov 24, 2013
Did you feel bad for Delphine? No, not really.

Wait, is Cordelia suddenly a BAMF now? Looks like it.


Will Marie Laveau's friendship with Queenie be put to the test when she hears what Queenie did with her ex? Let's wait and see...

Can zombies get pregnant? God, I hope not.
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Nov 23, 2013
Fiona's health is getting worse, so she should suspect there's still a new Supreme out there. Yet she's not checking in with Spalding.

Kyle's pledges turned out to be gang rapists. I don't feel sorry for him.

Madison's suddenly being 'super emo' is ridiculous. She's lived an extremely charmed life (outside of such things as being gang raped).

Fiona is shown to be so awful that she even has sex with a serial killer.

All the adults in this show are relatively terrible people. Even Cordelia clearly has awful taste in men given whom she married. But she'd be more useful to the coven had she actually tried to 'hone' her powers and whatnot instead of being a glorified gardener.
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Nov 23, 2013
I am still disturbed by how sorry I felt for Delphine at the end. Why, brain, why? I think it's because she seemed so excited about getting a new hair cut. And Kathy Bates is inherently lovable (even in Misery!)
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Nov 23, 2013
Because Kathy Bates is truly lovable. I felt scysoprenic.
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Nov 23, 2013
Delphine can't be all that bad if she recognises that cheeseburgers are the best food ever.

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Nov 23, 2013
Yes, why exactly did Zoe and Madison pick all the limbs with the tacky tattoos on them?

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Nov 23, 2013
I think this has to be one of your best reviews recently, Price. I seriously enjoyed reading it more than watching the episode. Here are my favourite parts:

Fortunately nowadays even popular entertainments talk openly and candidly about three-ways with a pair of undead abominations. Heck, Glee has devoted at least four episodes to this topic.

I don't want to see you two flirting, that is gross. Old people don't feel love or horniness, this is an outrage. Teens only!

("Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's [the blood of a newborn]." —Maybelline)

I truly don't want to be controversial here, but I think LaLaurie was wrong to have done this and Queenie agreed.

FINALLY we can have interesting conversations with our families. "Grandma Ruth, remember the minotaur scene?" "Little Maddie just loved that incest-retribution matricide!" "Everybody finish that pumpkin pie so we can revisit the three-way-with-a-pair-of-undead-abominations scene AS A FAMILY.

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Nov 23, 2013
I was willing to see where the series was going after last week's episode, which I thought was good, but 'The Dead' felt like a misstep in my opinion.

Like you mentioned Price, everything with The Axeman and Fiona was extremely boring.

I've praised Zoe the last couple of week's for her willingness to take charge, but attempting to kill Kyle, and killing Spalding (no more Denis O'Hare makes me sad), well I think all that power (most likely of the Supreme nature) has gone to her head. The show seems to make out that she can do anything now, and I bet this'll come back to bite her in the ass.

I wasn't impressed by the extra amount of time spent with Kyle this week, and Madison offering to share him with Zoe seemed extremely out of character for her (he's a lucky returned-from-the-dead-guy though).

I was really enjoying Queenie and Delphine's budding relationship, but Queenie turning her in felt out of character to me. Has she really been betrayed by the Coven that much to warrant her running to Marie Laveau? No, definitely not. And the fact that Delphine was honest to Queenie should have made her realise her willingness to change. She's grown as a human being, but apparently Queenie couldn't see that, which I thought was out of character. Madame LaLaurie is a horrible person, but that doesn't mean she deserves to be treated like this.

Also, there was a severe lack of Cordelia and her husband considering that he promised to kill all the witches last week, and she promised early in the episode to kill Fiona. The whole episode just felt like it was dragging out everything to prolong the eventual destination of the series' storylines, which is always annoying. AND WHERE WAS NAN?
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Dec 03, 2013
You make some good points, but I have to disagree with you about Madison and Queenie.
It was Madison's idea to make a new, improved Kyle for Zoe. So I don't think it's out of character to invite Zoe to join them after Madison got him out of his shell, so to speak.
It was, I think, somewhat unexpected that Queenie would hand over Delphine to Leveau. But I think she was overwhelmed by the shock of hearing Delphine's worst act and didn't know how else to react. I expect we'll see remorse from Queenie next time.
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Nov 22, 2013
Oh, and one more thing.
As justified it is to judge Madame LaLaurie for all she did, I don't think she is the only character who deserves to be judged. When you think about it, nearly all of our girls this season have killed someone or would not have a problem with killing someone. They are all wicked, to say the least.
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Nov 23, 2013
I agree. They're all on different levels - but they're still on the scale together. Marie herself, for instance, is in the process of enacting genocide against a group of girls and women she hasn't even met. How many bodies, like the redheaded pyro who just wanted to get married and have kids and rejected her witchness altogether, lay at her feet? Then there's Madison, who rejects the individual worth or potential goodness of all people and thus doesn't care if she ends the life of someone like Kyle if he gets in her way. She also bashed somebody's brains in for criticizing her. Or Queenie, who would burn, frame, execute, betray, and torture anyone you asked her to in exchange for the slightest flattery.

Delphine still comes out the worst, but fans and reviewers have had a tendency to see her as the only monster and the rest as sassy, admirable badasses who occasionally make questionable decisions.
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Nov 22, 2013
Kyle's opening scene in this episode just about knocked the wind out of me. Seeing him realize he has his friend's body parts was just disturbing (in a wonderful way). Also, I love that Kyle is the only guy that Zoe can actually have sex with and not murder--his death was the only way they could be together.
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Nov 22, 2013
This episode was a real game changer. It really set things up for what's to come.

Uhm. I really like Jessica Lange, but I still have the feeling her character this season is a bit exaggerated. At this point, I actually wish for the others to get the best of her. Especially Cordelia, who went from boring to awesome!

But the witch I ultimately root for is Misty Day! God, that sister Mary Eunice performance bought me for life! As long as she remains standing by the end of the season, I don't really care what happens to the rest of them.
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Nov 22, 2013
This show is fucking bonkers, and that's why I love it. I can't really feel too sorry for the Madame, because despite moments where you can't help but like her, like the drive-thru scene, she's done too much bad. Kyle fared a little better this week, or maybe he's just a little more tolerable around Madison. Speaking of Madison, she was great this week, particularly her speech at the beginning about not feeling anything. As far as the 3-way, I would normally dismiss something that ridiculous, but this is AHS, so I don't mind. I can understand some people's complaints about people coming back too much on this show, but once again, it's AHS, so I don't mind. I admit, I will be a little annoyed if Spaulding comes back, because there is nothing else for that character to do. I look forward to how Fiona will handle her predicament of everybody wanting her dead. Cordelia wants her dead, Marie wants her dead, and I'm sure Myrtle will want vengeance when she comes back. As I've said before, hope it's an epic showdown.
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Nov 22, 2013
Man, three-way with the undead!? I'm regretting accepting that letter to Hogwarts right now....
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Nov 22, 2013
WOW Kathy Bates! Loving and Hating her charachter at the same time. Master Actress!
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Nov 22, 2013
Oh and the text in the photo recaps were hilarious. Was trying not to lol literally while reading this on my phone in the public. Good job Price!
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Nov 22, 2013
the main and subplot in this ep are so intense & interesting that we didnt hv any glimpse of nan or misty day or that guy next door...
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Nov 22, 2013
Let's remember the important thing - Bob's Burgers did zombie threesomes first #TinaIsAFreak

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Nov 22, 2013
Fantastic review and the maybelline commercial write-up made me laugh out loud (all be it, it was a sad moment!) . A fantastic episode (it just keeps getting better and better). So a few things..
1) Cordelia needs to seriously consider plastic cups, plates, glasses, etc. Like lady the whole ceramic breaking needs to end.
2) 3 some zombie teenage sex. I don't know if any show has ever gone that route. You just have to wonder what misty day would say about this!
3) When kyle said "stupid"..i really was expecting him to say "you stupid" to Zoe.. because lets be honest she hasn't really made the honour roll with her decisions thus far but who knows, time will tell.

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Nov 22, 2013
I thought the captuioned screenshots were hilarious, bravo, lol
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Nov 22, 2013
I'm just glad this show pointed out the genius which is Toto - Rosanna. Even if they did use a frat bro to say it, it was still right on.
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Nov 22, 2013
I really, truly hope that the undead threesome situation does not turn out like those two zombies who were constantly boning and actually had a zombie baby in Dead Alive.

I also wondered where Nan was in this ep.
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Nov 22, 2013
I love this show !!! I have nothing to say about it because I enjoy every second of it every week.

I spent so much time talking about the walking dead or Dexter or any shows I am disapointed with , but when a show is good , there is nothing to say
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Nov 22, 2013
I definitely feel bad for Delphine. The woman has committed so much unspeakable evil she puts most of our most famous serial killers to shame, but I'm not someone who can ever see torture as okay. That she's already been tortured for 170 or so years and was led back into it by someone claiming to be her (probably first and definitely only) friend makes it all the worst. Like, we don't have to be Team Delphine or even think the woman has a drop of genuine good in her or could ever undo or make up for her sins to agree that what's being done to her is wrong.

And it just serves to cement how poorly Queenie has been written. Her character is awful - not in the sense of being extraordinarily evil or anything, but just weak, desperate and pathetic. We've watched her be manipulated by Delphine, Fiona, and now Marie. All it takes is the tiniest bit of positive attention and suddenly she's burning, framing, torturing, and/or betraying whoever you want. Someone presented her with a racist killer and next thing you know they're buddies out to dinner. Someone told her there was a dangerous half-animal rapist* afoot and she ran out to have sex with him immediately because, hell, surely he wouldn't turn her down! They give us one black witch and this is what they've come up with (Marie and her ilk are voodoo practitioners, not witches).

*He wasn't a rapist, of course, but that's the info she had. Contrarily, being a slave with no free will, he was the victim.

Anyway, I'm totally on board with the gruesome threesome. Zoe's vagina needs something it can't kill and Kyle and Madison just need to feeeeel things. But yes, Fiona's dalliance is super boring. I mean, yay for older people sexing it up, but not an interesting pair or plot point. The only good thing that can be said is that it looks like Fiona will have at least one ally when everyone starts trying to kill her. She doesn't really deserve it, but at least the fight won't be so unbalanced (considering that Fiona is ill, Cordelia knows everything now, and Zoe is a super witch).

Really though, I'm not sure where this season is going. There's some obvious stuff that's going to go down involving Fiona's fall, Myrtle's return, the crowning of the next Supreme, the witch hunter moving in for the kill, treaty with the voodoo clan nullified... But what's the endgame? When it's settled these battles and a change in leadership doesn't leave us in much of a different place than we started the series. Something else is going to have to come in and shake it up.
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Nov 22, 2013
I did feel weirdly bad for Delphine, but then felt bad for feeling bad.. I dunno...
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Nov 22, 2013
I felt bad for Delphine for all of 5 seconds. She's been remorseful for a few days/weeks in the ahs universe but previously she spent, we can assume, her adult life, gruesomely torturing slaves for fun and face cream and terrorizing her own family to the point where her daughters were plotting to kill her (look how that ended up: boquita? with a broken leg and shit in her mouth). No doubt Queenie will rescue her but I'm not mad she turned her over to Marie. Like Price said, existing in a different time/world doesn't mean you have to kill babies and use their blood as a youth serum. That just means you're evil.
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Nov 22, 2013
Okay, I like photo-recaps and all, but even I think this is a bit much...
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Nov 22, 2013
I actually did feel bad for Delphine, but I can't say she doesn't deserve it...
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Nov 22, 2013
Queenie and Delphine bonding over burgers and fries was hilarious. Also where was Nan?
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Nov 22, 2013
Hmmmm.. See I think the axeman's obsession with Fiona contributed to her "powers"... Maybe since he is sort of a ghost pedophile he started obsessing with Zoe when she came into the coven--(isn't that around the time Fiona began losing her powers???) and then Zoe started gaining powers??? Hmmmmmm...
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Nov 22, 2013
I realized that zoe can't kill kyle from sex because he's dead already!
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Nov 22, 2013
Where is Nan? She and her hunky friend has been locked doing "stuff" for days now. Now the house is feeling so empty u really can note her absence in some episodes.

Is Misty moving to the house anytime soon? Do you think Cordelia´s husband is going to attack Misty first? Will he attack the Coven´s house instead?

Am i the only one who find Axeman so awesome? He brings such a great balance to Fiona´s character...They are meant for each other.

How do you think Fiona gonna react when she knows Spaulding is dead and Madison is back? More importanly: Will she notice Zoe´s super witching powers?

I doubt Queenie-Marie´s friendship is going to last...
It really bothers me that the show ended making such racial witchwar war in that way, I though it was more about a tribal issues beyond races...why not bringing a white voodoo witch to Marie´s coven in order to balance that stuff? I know is about the south and such but...is 2013 FGS

BUT ...Do you know what really kills me? like REALLY?

The coven now lacks of a Buttler AND now also the maid... Who gonna cook? who gonna clean? Who gonna pour the tea? Who gonna get rid of the bodies? Honestly...finding servands is so hard nowadays and this silly girls just get rid of both of them the same week...Will Cordelia cook & clean?





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Nov 22, 2013
Hopefully Nan is out somewhere having fun with the Hunk. Then, at least someone is.

I Really doubt that Misty is going to move in.
I think she likes her swamp shack and she is certainly smart enough to know that the house is a hostile environment.

Fiona and the Axeman had some good scenes together.
But awesome? Meant for each other? I don't think so!
He's the ghost of a pathetic serial killer who needs an axe to kill little girls. She is, still, the most powerful witch alive. She could kill him with an afterthought.

Will Fiona notice Spalding's absence and Zoe's growth? No doubt about it.
The question is how she is going to react. I'm looking forward to some epic rage. I think Zoe's own special way of doing things is going to completely baffle Fiona.

Queenie and Marie aren't friends. Queenie just realized that being her personal slave wasn't punishment enough for Delphine. I don't think she'll be leaving the coven.

White Voodoo witch, hm? Maybe that is what Misty really is.

BUT... you're right!
The house is going to be a complete mess in a couple of days. And Queenie is really going to regret giving away her personal slave/cook.
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Nov 22, 2013
Holy crap!! Price, you're totally 100% right; this episode was one of the best so far!! I'm still in love with Marie Leveau / Angela Bassett, but Zoe is getting to be a BAWB and will probably (???) end up being HWIC, but man, what an episode!! I'm not sure if I feel bad for Delphine or not, but what I'm sure is that Queenie needs to watch her back; even if I love Marie, I do not trust her (duh!).
For Thanksgiving I'm doing an AHS Coven marathon!!! Who cares about turkey!!
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Nov 22, 2013
Zoe is a "hot-shit witch" lol
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Nov 22, 2013
I'm just glad they finally hit on necrophiliac threesomes. That's what has been missing from American Horror Story.
Also I like that ghosts are handled completely differently from the first season.
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Nov 22, 2013
The are re-amnimated corpses but they don't appear to be zombies (especially not the zombies we've seen).
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Nov 22, 2013
I still hate Zoe.

that is all.
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Nov 22, 2013
More Angela Bassett, less Fiona and Axeman talking about...whatever they were talking about. Then we'd have aces.
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Nov 22, 2013
I agree, Fiona and Axeman = boring and stupid.
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Nov 22, 2013
PRICE...u my dear are HEAVEN!!!!...crack me up ALL the time!!!!
Dont u wann love me!!!!......SOOOOOOO over Axeman bs .....MOVE ON!!!!
could not get enough of kathy bates in her bejeweled tiger shirt in that cage!!!!
and Cordys line bout kill her dead!! THE BEST
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Nov 22, 2013
I think the axeman is important cause he's like Fionas only ally now.
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Nov 22, 2013
I enjoyed most of it, but I have to admit Fiona and the dead guy had the most boring scenes in all AHS history. Lusty, long-winded exposition was not interesting at all. For the very first time in three years, I looked at the clock hoping the show would be over soon.
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Nov 22, 2013
Angela Bassett for President! ALL of the awards.

I liked certain parts of the episode, but overall thought it was kind of... meh?
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Nov 22, 2013
What can I say, I love this show. But last week I felt asleep right after the episode and got awful nightmares. Yep, it happens to me. At least with this show I get some really good fun first.
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Nov 21, 2013
From the show that brought you 'Gabourney Sidibe masterbating a Minotaur' comes 'three way with 2 undead abominations'

Hahaha Price you crack me up! People over the age of 40 having sex? gross. 3 way with 2 dead abominations? Sexy. I personally thought that Houston and Lange had great onscreen chemistry.

The only thing that makes the wait for the next ep bearable is reading your reviews. There were so many great bits that had me lol'ing but my fav has to be the Maybeline reference. How could something so wrong be so funny??

Did anyone else notice that when Kyle cried about the tattoo he sounded exactly like Violet did in season 1 after she found out she was dead? Unfortunately I don't have the cool software that makes GIFs so you'll either have to take my word for it or look it up for yourselves.

The trip to the drive thru was AWESOME!

Shit just got real between Cordelia and Fiona. We still don't know who blinded Cordelia (as Laveau didn't do it) It's starting to look like whoever did it, did so for Cordelia's benefit. Maybe it was Myrtle after all?

I love watching the parallels with characters in previous seasons. Cordelia is much more like Billie Winters this season, and watching Kyle and Zoe's relationship develop feels like I m watching Violet find a way to forgive and 'live' with Tate (no pun intended).

It's weird but I do feel a little bit bad for LaLaurie and I feel VERY bad for feeling a little bit bad for LaLaurie considering some of the things she's done.

This show huh? Each week I think it can't get any more ' whack' yet it continually outdoes itself. I don't know what Ryan Murphy and Brad Fulchuk are on but I want some! :-)
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Nov 21, 2013
Angela Bassett is perfect in her rage. Watching her gives me chills. But Kathy Bates is also AMAZING! Her remorse is so real that it makes people forget all the things she's done. I see a lot of people saying that Queenie shouldn't have handed Lalaurie back to Marie just because she killed a baby (just because, haha), but that certainly wasn't all she did. Serving eyeballs and guts (harvested while the people were still alive) at dinner parties, flaying skin off people's faces, trying to turn a guy into a minotaur... I mean, Marie's hatred of her isn't at all unjustified! And while I think it's absolutely brilliant that we all want Queenie and Madam Lalaurie to be BFFs because it's really fun to watch, I don't see this "betrayal" as out of character at all, even if it was a little heartbreaking. I think Queenie wants a place where she belongs more than anything, and watching all of this treachery and backstabbing inside the coven, going to see Marie felt like a natural next step.
I still cannot stand Zoe. On the first few episodes, she was just a whiny little thing and having her as such a badass murderer witch who wants to lead them all and bring back the coven's power all of a sudden just doesn't sit right with me. I always found AHS amazing at breaking down their characters and reconstructing them, but with Zoe it feels like they simply flipped a switch inside her. Cordelia is the greatest example of that, her change is very believable. She is drawing strength from her anger, the loss of one sight giving her another. But Zoe never had that, she was cowering one moment and the next she was chainsawing zombie. If they'd dedicated even one scene, like a close-up of her face showing when her fear turns into anger and she just goes "fuck it, I'm taking care of this shit!", I think I could have gotten on board with it.
She goes to Kyle with the clear intent of killing him and when he tries to do it himself she cries and stops him. I understand how this was meant to be a touching scene, but I just found it annoying. And I guess that's how every Zoe scene will probably be to me because I dislike the way her progression was handled. The threesome was bound to happen and I have nothing to say on that.
Kyle continues to be absolutely heartbreaking. Madison's monologue was amazing and their undead connection was a great moment!
I can't quite see the point of the axeman story, aside from bringing another flavor of creepy to the show. I felt like that was his body on the shower, but that couldn't be possible, could it..? I don't even know what to think anymore. Fiona did say she wanted one last romance and I guess the axeman is there to provide her the strength to fight back against Cordelia and the others..?
It was a good episode! I did miss Misty Day (LOL), though. And Nan. What happened to the hunky neighbor?
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Nov 21, 2013

... I did feel bad for Delphine for like a second.... Yes Cordelia is tough now be aware b*tches!
... Considering the said ex is now dead and wasn't entirely human I believe there would be a tiny bit of drama
... People please get do yourselves a favor and always use contraception specially while having sex with undead abominations. And yeah zombies can get prenant as long there is an uterus and sperm and a witch looking.

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Nov 21, 2013
...Yes
...Maybe
...No
... Anything is possible
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