American Idol: The Best and Worst Performances of Girls Night

Does anyone understand what Ryan Seacrest is talking about, ever? I only ask because he kicked off last night's Girls Night on American Idol with a remark that made zero sense, to me at least. He turned to the guys, who were seated to the left of the stage on a raised platform, and said, "Now I can see eye-to-eye with you. I think that was a short joke." Really? He thinks it was a short joke? Shouldn't he know whether or not it was a short joke? He's the one who made it. But assuming it was a self-effacing short joke, then I'm completely lost, because the guys weren't eye-level with him. They were higher than him—just as they would have been had they been standing next to him. Maybe if the guys were seated in a pit several inches lower than stage level, he joke would have made sense, sort of (but not have been funny). Do you follow what I am having trouble not following? We're only 0:07 seconds into the show and I'm already cold, scared, and sucked into a logic gap deep within the Seacrest-Time Continuum. Somebody hold me.

And now onto the night's best and worst!

The girls didn't have an obvious train wreck on the level of Jordan Dorsey's "OMG" (as in, "OMG, they kicked out Chris Medina to make space for this?"), but they did have one wormy Fiona Apple cover. That would be Rachel Zevita's "Criminal", which, like Randy Jackson, I didn't recognize until about a third of the way in. That's because the raw, bluesy melody was tossed out the window, the song instead weighed down with a trumpet-heavy jazz-hands arrangement that made it sound like something off the Chicago soundtrack. (Her beaded, red and black dress only added to the whole Roxie Hart theme.) I think she was trying to make the song "sexier," but she just turned it into a pageant performance, and sure enough, Steven Tyler called her out for being "too Broadway." The New Yorker didn't take too kindly to that.

Also the worst: Ashthon Jones. Not her song—that was fine—but rather her tone-deafness and general fakery in response to the judges. After Jennifer Lopez said she had all the makings of a diva, Ashthon replied, "I get it from you!" before launching into her impression of J-Lo's self-glorifying, diva head bob. Hoo-boy, J-Lo had to flex every muscle in her body to resist launching her Coke cup at the stage. As if that wasn't bad enough, Ashthon stopped the show to remark on how good Ryan looked. We get it, girl. You want this bad. Now put it back in your pants.

[Judging starts at 2:30]

And now the best! This is hard to single out. MySpace's Karen Rodriguez, Lauren Alaina, and Pia Toscano all demonstrated powerful vocal chops and ease on the stage; Karen with her straightforward, bilingual take on Mariah Carey's "Hero," the 16-year-old Lauren—who Randy not-so-subtly suggested had been cloned in a test tube from genetic material provided by Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, as stipulated in those past winners' iron-clad Idol contracts—having fun with Reba McEntyre's "Turn on the Radio," and finally Pia, who earned a standing ovation in the pimp spot with a strong interpretation of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand by You." Was it among the best in Idol history, as Randy declared? Not quite, girlfriend. But a fine start. This girl's going to be the biggest Pia since Zadora!