As our long national nightmare, the American Idol audition season, winds down, let us pause and reflect on the most notable achievements of the year thus far. As Ryan said, “It has been a long journey for all of us.” And while I’d like to say that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m not even sure we’ve entered the tunnel yet. So without further delay and in the spirit of this week’s Academy Award nominations, we present our own honors.
The Neutrogena Award For Outstanding Contributions To Music Theory: This one goes to Victoria Beckham for her comment to a contestant that “You have beautiful skin.” If skin care proved that critical to a musical career, the world would have never heard Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69.”
The Bob Marley Get Up Stand Up Award for Meritorious Achievement in Mammary Levitation: A unanimous vote to notorious “boob boxer” Amy Lang.
The Redundant Repeated Repetitive Redundancy Award, Honor, and Prize:
The producers and editors of American Idol take home this trophy for their neverending ability to stretch material from these auditions to ungodly lengths. Who decided it was funny to be sworn at repeatedly and in every episode by rejected contestants? I live in SoCal; if I want to be f-bombed by angry people, I’ll hop on the freeway and drive the speed limit. C’mon guys, I haven’t seen this much filler since I ordered the crab cakes at Red Lobster.
The Precious Based On the Novel Push By Sapphire Extended Descriptor Cup of Valor: Young Denver gold-ticket recipient Haley, who described her ambition to become “a black pop country kind of mainstream singer.”
The Glenn Beck/Tears For Fears There’s No Crying in Baseball Hanky For Overwrought Emotions: Those emotive contestants who walked out of their failed auditions on the verge of nervous breakdowns. Hey, your career at the drive-thru isn’t that bad, right?
The Nostradamus/It’s Difficult To Make Predictions Especially About the Future Silver Chalice: The redoubtable and undoubtable Simon Cowell who, after hearing General Larry Platt’s “Pants On The Ground,” murmured, “I have a horrible feeling that song can be a hit.”
The Ruben Studdard/Scott Savol We Are The World Golden Globes: Quick question: Is it just us or are there a lot of hefty dudes winging their way to Hollywood this year?
The No, No Not Taylor Swift. I Said I Need A Fast Tailor Certificate of Excellence: The contestant who split his trousers while executing a dance move, thus proving Platt’s contention that there are indeed myriad and serious issues related to pants and their proximity to the ground.
The Blind Side/Blind Spot Heisman Trophy For Limited Athletic and Musical Achievement: University of Colorado football player Austin Paul (real last name Bisnow). Dude, you may be “bigger than your body gives you credit for” and honestly, I didn’t think you did that badly. But you’re still just a long snapper. And your most recent football bio described you as a “backup snap specialist.” On a team that went 3-9.
The Holly Golightly They Don’t Make Fashion Icons Like They Used To Tiffany Champagne Flute: By acclamation to Victoria Beckham for her efforts to channel the spirit of Audrey Hepburn at the Denver auditions. Yo V, maybe you missed it but the movie was called BREAKFAST At Tiffany’s. Mix in some fatback with that arugula.
The Oh No You Didn’t Platter For Underachievement In A Televised Singing Competition: Shared by the thousands upon thousands of aspirants who declared for the cameras, “I’m the next American Idol!”