After two two-hour performance shows and one two-hour results show, American Idol has at last decided on its Top 13. If you watched all of that live, it was six hours out of your life. (Do you know what you can accomplish in six hours? A great deal. You can completely reorganize your closets. You can compose an Ivy League-worthy college admissions letter. But you didn’t come here to be lectured to, you came here to talk Idol.) As far as the results went, I’ll begin by saying: Well done, America. I mean, everyone in America voted last night, correct? It’s your civic duty. And by and by, you looked at the Top 24, noted which contestants were mostly forgettable (Brielle Von Hugel) or too ADD and dorky (Reed Grimm) or just plain awful (that would be Mr. Tweezed Eyebrows Adam Brock), and anointed a variety pack of Top 10 contestants who actually have some star power to back up their lung power.
Also worthy of a gold star: Jimmy Iovine, who told it like it was to about every contestant. Though I must say I took issue with his attack on Heejun for allegedly being more into wisecracks than music. I find the guy genuinely funny and charming, and if he wants to break up the reality show monotony by not acting like every single moment of this karaoke pageant is the Most Important Event in Human History, more power to him. Plus his Boltonesque singing has grown on me, Korean accent and all. So back off, Jimmy! This one’s mine.
Now let’s give nicknames to the the Top 10 stool-fillers, as chosen by you, America:
Joshua Ledet: Hallelujah Jones
Phillip Phillips: Growlin’ Girlbait
Shannon Magrane: Celine Jr.
Jessica Sanchez: A Teenager in a Lot of Makeup
Heejun Han: Han’s Solos
Hollie Cavanagh: Field Hockey Diva
Jermaine Jones: Aaaagh! Run! He’ll Crush Us All or Drown Us in a Single Teardrop!
Colton Dixon: The Emo-ticon
Elise Testone: One of the Guys
Skylar Laine: Praise America!
But wait! There were three more stools to fill, and the judges chose six of the rejectees to sing for their lives. Of those, they chose to save these three as wild cards:
Deandre Brackensick: Milli Falsetti
Erika Van Pelt: Terrible Tattoo
Jeremy Rosado: Care Bear
But goodbye Reed Grimm, Haley Johnsen, Jennifer Hirsch, Hallie Day, Haley Johnsen, Creighton Fraker, Chase Likens, Chelsea Sorrell, Brielle Von Hugel, Aaron Marcellus, Adam Brock, Baylie Brown and Eben Franckewitz. We hardly knew ye, and in certain cases (coughcoughAdamcough) that’s probably for the best.
So what do you think about the Top 13? Do you agree with Randy’s assessment that Jeremy shouldn’t solely be judged based on his looks (lulz)? That’s why they pay Randy the big bucks. For amazing insights like that one. Tell us who you think is going to win it all, and what your favorite performances were from earlier in the week.