Nothing says “rapidly approaching summer TV wasteland” quite like the premiere of America’s Got Talent. In the six seasons since NBC’s smorgasbord of cat jugglers, geriatrics in diapers, and transgender knife-throwing acts first graced our screens, we’ve lost a Hoff, gained a Howie, and witnessed the legitimization of Piers Morgan. This year, I’ve decided that all resistance is futile. You and I are going to watch every single act, together, until the million-dollar finale. It won’t always be easy—there will be times we want to vomit, scream, or just storm out of the room crying. But together, we’re going to do this. Why, you ask? Because it’s there.
Remember those black light performers who used to trip you out in kindergarten? No? Maybe it’s a generational thing. Anway, iLuminate takes that concept and brings it to the next level! Pumps it up on steroids! Takes it to the extreme! On crack! A group of acrobatic dancers wearing LED tube lights execute various hip-hop dance moves. The effect (which is hard to make out in the video, and at times was even hard to make out on TV) is pretty cool—kind of like a lo-fi Daft Punk video—though it’s already been done with a bigger budget by Chris Brown on Dancing with the Stars.
The SH’Boss Boys
Precocious showbiz children: Love ‘em or hate ‘em? This trio of rappers, aged 5-7, walk a fine line, but UGH, so cute. Particularly when they finally get to the rapping: “I’m a little G and the G is for Genius.” I guess I’m relieved it’s not for gangsta, even though it would have been fun to hear them rap about popping a cap in Piers’s ass.
Okay, if this were America’s Got Awesome Names, then this senior utility worker in wastewater management from Denver would win, hands down. But this is a talent show, and Primitivo’s “talent,” as it were, is some kind of dance move I’ll call the “short-circuited C-3P0” (which sounds a lot cooler than it is). I think he was singing too? Or yelling about his hands? Anyway, a cartwheel gone wrong resulted in Primitivo twirling right off the ledge of the stage, to the horrified delight of the audience. He was okay (though still complaining about his hands). Sadly, he missed an amazing opportunity to tell the judges, “Hello. My name is Primitivo Montoya. You killed my dreams. Prepare to die.”