America's Next Top Model kicked off Cycle-friggin'-14 last night with a 90-minute episode that culminated in an awkwardly abrupt cliffhanger. No matter—the show proved that it still knows how to entertain by teaching girls to embrace their inner fierceness. After all, the show is an educational experience: Remember when we learned how to smize? With that in mind, I thought I’d share my notes on the 20 lessons I learned from Top Model last night.
1. America’s Next Top Model is the most important cultural phenomenon on television since the series finale of M*A*S*H. (Implied.)
2. MyFierce is a social networking site for models, or an eye-rolling way for Tyra to narrow down the competition.
3. Tyra, Jay Manuel, and Miss Jay are gods worthy of worship. Seriously, it’s appropriate to bow.
4. According to Gabrielle, “the mean girl never wins.” Which means the mean girl will probably win this time.
5. Angelea from Cycle 12 is still ghetto. But classy ghetto, because she’s grown as a person.
6. It is possible to get pregnant the first time one has sex. At least if you’re Brenda or Jessica, who is “very fertile.”
7. Alasia was saved through her devotion to Christ. Or maybe it was her devotion to Tyra. On Top Model, that confusion should be embraced.
8. Krista is afraid of dating white men, because their penises look like pink meat. Perhaps that's something they should have checked out by a medical professional?
9. Planet Glamazonia is in the Glamazonian galaxy. When in need of a ritual sacrifice, Jay Manuel is the best option. (Thank you, Jeanna.)
10. All girls with tattoos and piercings secretly want to conform by being models. Right, Danielle?
11. It’s never a good idea to wear a short skirt without underwear. Though I suppose it’s theoretically possible they were blurring out a brand name and not genitalia.
12. Megan Fox is not a supermodel. In case you were confused, like Tatianna.
13. Hallie isn’t meant to model, but it’s OK, because she was able to be heinous on national television.
14. Perez Hilton is the most important cultural phenomenon on television since the series premiere of America’s Next Top Model. (Implied.)
15. Perez and Tyra made a deal six months ago: He wouldn’t post about celebs’ kids for six months, and she would have him on the show. So, hey, Perez can be a jerk again.
16. It’s important not to shave your armpits for health and women’s rights, but if you want to be a model, you have to give both of those up.
17. Wood nymphs have bleached blonde hair.
18. The crib is ill. And I am hilariously out of touch with contemporary slang.
19. “It’s not a stare—it’s the ‘bitch, please’ look.” We appreciate the clarification, Angelea.
20. TyraMail is now using abbreviations such as “ur.” Yay, it’s more obnoxious than ever!