America's Next Top Model: Model Behavior

"Get me outta here!"

Move over, drama, 'cause Wednesday night's America's Next Top Model was all about the awkward. Anslee's waterworks aside, Jessica dry-humping Nigel Barker may be the series' most cringe-worthy moment to date. When I wasn't willing myself to look away, here's what I learned from this week's episode.

1. The excitement with which the models receive mail is matched only by the mail song from Blue's Clues.
2. The couples you see in print ads aren't really couples—they're models. Also, in commercials, the people who tell you to buy things are actors. Your mind is blown.
3. The models had to learn how to develop chemistry with male models by flirting with Nigel. Ten bucks says that was Nigel's idea.
4. According to Jessica, the best way to build rapport with a fellow model is to sexually harass him into liking you.
5. Sometimes being a model means pretending you would associate with someone who's less than perfect.
6. The hardest part of the challenge wasn't the model looking like she's into Ross Matthews; it was Ross Matthews looking like he'd ever be into a woman.
7. If her interaction with Ross was any indication, Anslee is ready to make another baby.
8. Ann Shoket said that Alexandra should play against her curves, which I think means "Be less fat."
9. Regardless of her modeling skills, Anslee is adept at getting the most screen time.
10. Every time you buy a counterfeit purse, God kills a fashion designer.
11. The concept of this photo shoot was "fake," but it looked a lot more like "Lady Gaga on a budget."
12. Krista somehow looks less freaky in garish makeup. How tragic that she had to skin Oscar the Grouch for her jacket, though.
13. Follow Anslee's lead: When all else fails, jump. Then complain about your crappy morning.
14. No, really, the shoot had nothing to do with capitalizing on Lady Gaga's success. Pay no attention to the Gaga hair, the Gaga lips, and the Alexander McQueen reference.
15. Pat Cleveland told Alexandra, "I know there's a lot that you have to carry here." Translation: "Be less fat." It's kind of a recurring theme.
16. Eyelashes can be a double entendre. But it remains to be seen if Andre Leon Talley can make sense.
17. Angelea's shot looked like it was straight out of RuPaul's Drag Race. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
18. The judges are trying to out-crazy each other. ("You don't go to the dreck poupette level. You go to the high level." "High fashion." "High fashion." "High fashion!" "High fashion!" "She has to learn to say hi to fashion." "What's happening?")
19. Tyra told Alexandra that she doesn't know what to do with all the body that she has. Say it with me now: "Be less fat."
20. Somehow Alexandra survived despite her MASSIVE WEIGHT PROBLEM, and Tatianna went home. (Before I get flamed, I'm being sarcastic. Except when I talk about Anslee's pain—that's real.)