Dear TV.com:
I recently acquired a controlling interest in a media conglomerate. You may have heard of it, it's called NBC-Universal and it has these really great cable channels like Bravo, USA Network, and SyFy. I'm a huge monstrous cable company and I think this maneuver can really put us on the map (well, take up the whole map, actually). What do you think I should do with my new prized possession?
Help!
Totally Comcastic
Dear Totally Comcastic:
First of all, great score. When I think of power-hungry corporate behemoths looking to monopolize the market, I shall now think of you instead of AIG. Ha, I kid! But seriously, think about what Peter Parker's uncle or grandfather or some hobo said to him in Spiderman or its sequel: "With great power comes great responsibility!" And boy howdy do you have boatloads of both now.
You are a content distribution company (cable, i.e. Comcast), which means you pay content providers (TV production houses, i.e. NBC, Universal, HBO) to show their goods. But wait! Now you are a content distributor AND a content provider company. This is what we humans call "a conflict of interest." That is, you are going to feel plenty of schizo urges that you must fight! The distribution side of you will be begging for exclusivity on your the content you produce, and the content you produce will still want to be distributed by everybody.
This leads to advice point number one: Keep the two sides separate. Use barbed wire or that sonic brain-crushing wall from Lost, I don't care. Just make sure the management teams from both sides aren't going out for happy hour with each other. Believe me, I know a thing or two about what happens when content and distribution get mixed up... it ain't pretty. Your best bet here is to try to pretend this deal never happened, or at least let the public think that. Because if DirecTV subscribers can't get SyFy or Bravo because you raised licensing fees and want to crush the competition, the world will become an even more horrible place.
I know you are all excited about your new cable networks (USA and SyFy are doing well), but I'm a little concerned that you've forgotten about NBC. You know, one of the original "big three," the same network that gave us Johnny Carson, Seinfeld, and ER. Sure, it's in a horrible state now, but you can fix that. How? By gutting NBC management and installing your own. We know it's a big move, but these guys (ahem, Jeff Zucker) have proven that they aren't exactly TV whiz kids, despite their many years on board. Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, right?
The next move is to examine NBC's lineup and purge the dead-weights. Given the long development cycles for TV, it's obviously too late to get things in motion for 2010. So prepare for 2011: Don't make too many changes to the current lineup, and keep a keen eye on what you have now. Yeah it sounds crazy, but don't mess with it; consider 2010 a waste year and throw it out. Go for a fresh start in fall 2011, which coincidentally is when you can kindly remove Jay Leno from your lineup without breaking any contracts. So go ahead and give Heroes one more season and stick with these wacky two-hour Biggest Loser episodes. You can always dump those later (but I'd keep Loser since it's a good performer). As for things to keep past 2011, you have a good thing going with comedy (it's not that people aren't watching the shows, it's that people aren't watching NBC), and there's always Sunday Night Football.
Speaking of football, the biggest and best move you can think of is challenging ESPN. You (Comcast) own Versus, an upstart sports cable network. Combine that with what's in place at NBC and grow the *&@# out of it. ESPN has, like, 10 billion channels, 99 percent of which are useless. There's definitely room for one more major sports network, and if you get rights to one more league (NHL isn't exactly enough), you're set. Plus, in 2012 NBC has Olympic coverage rights. Don't be a fool. Blow this out!
Oh, and while you're at it, fix your abysmal customer service.
Hope this helps!
—TV.com
Comments (21)
Hey COMCAST, modernize your customer premise equipment! The operating system and user interface on these 5 year old Scientific Atlanta boxes is HORRID. And get off your butts already and roll out the TIVO service nationwide!!
I don't have as big a problem with Comcast as I used to (and no I don't work for them!) I don't like the pricing, and really really would like an a la carte menu as opposed to taking 63 shopping channels and 42 religious channels to go with the channels I actually watch! I don't think Comcast will do anything to jeopardize their position, i.e. raising rates to Dish Network, DirectTV, Fios, Time-Warner, etc. This could cause major potential governmentsl headaches for them---and MAJOR scrutiny...
talk to your municipality. They sign exclusivity contracts with Comcast, to be sole providers of service in particular areas. It isn't always Comcast, it is also your elected politicians. I guess Comcast shouldn't piss off former employees, because we know their secrets, and aren't willing to keep them. I hate Comcast, and have Direct TV for my TV service, but have my internet through COmcast, because there isn't any comparable options in my are yet, otherwise I would subscribe to any of their services. They treat both their customers and employees like crap.
lucky I have DISHNETWORK
how about not randomly doubling our monthly cable bills?
Heck, I left Comcast to get away from their shady pricing practices and hollow claims, now I have little choice to deal with them again, but in content. This probably goes back to what I've long complained about regarding Comcast, deregulation resulted in little benefit and more harm to the consumer. Thanks govt., . . . now how long before you can regulate or break them up?
I used to work in the largest Comcast Call Center they have. i used to take their customer service calls. So trust me when I say, the majority of the public ALREADY hold Comcast accountable for what is actually playing on particular channels. We would get complaints about individual shows all the time. I don't think the general public quite get how this all works AT ALL! Not to mention, it seemed then at least, that mostly everyone hates Comcast. A large majority of the calls were complaints ranging from Comcast being a monopoly, their pricing, poor programming. We would get actual physical threats by people who would track down where we were and show up to beat up the person they were speaking to.... regularly! In fact Comcast was also held accountable for when customer's other equipment such as DVD players or surround sound systems didn't work. If they bought a new Playstation they would call us to walk them though hooking it up. The majority of people hold Comcast accountable for WHATEVER is going on with their TVs. This taking over NBC/Universal isn't going to change the opinion of Comcast, the majority of the people don't grasp how the whole TV and its programming works. They know they pay Comcast for TV so it is Comcast who must answer for it, period. It's actually pretty scary to see how out of touch the general public is on a lot of things such as how their billing works, or their own TVs or how to use a remote. (example...I have a blue screen on my TV, is your TV on channel 4, yes I did that already that can't be it, ok please pick up your remote and press TV and then the channel 4, oh look what did you do you fixed it, I turned your TV onto channel 4 ma'am) This example was a regular call. So like I said you are giving way to much credit. Comcast already is hated, they don't care, they still do what they want and just keep getting bigger. What can you do?moreless
Good advice, Tim! They might bring somebody from USA over to NBC. USA is doing a lot of things right.
Just a little FYI to the author. Comcast already owns several networks such as E!, G4, Golf Channel, Versus, Style Network (there's more)...just thought I'd bring it to your attention. So they already have been playing on both sides. Maybe just not with major networks but they at least have their feet wet.
Cancel SGU (it's terrible) and make the SGA movie (or bring back as a series!).
Endgame65 - Amanda Tapping was born in the UK.
Stop scrambling HD signals on cable and throw away the STB.
and bring back bionic women
get rid of the reality tv and put quality shows on
Return SyFy to its former glory (SciFi), cut the crappy reality shows (Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, Scare Tactics, please) and finished the Stargate Atlantis movie. Keep up the good miniseries, put better shows in syndication like Farscape (hint hint) and First Wave and air them more often than the reality stuff. Try some original programming (Warehouse 13 was a lame show that was trying too hard to be like Eureka) but cut out stuff like Sanctuary. Amanda Tapping is not British. For that matter stop with the British rip-offs, they've got their stuff, we don't care.USA is doing fantastic with Psych and Burn Notice. Improve Heroes, for goodness sake don't bring back stuff like Knight Rider and Bionic Woman.
Ged rid of Leno and restor the old 10pm lineup as much as you can. Move SVU back to tuesday at 10 and for the rest of the nights, you can bring in reruns of Psych or Burn Notice (a good companion show for Chuck). Heck, you could even go as far as bringing back Knight Rider as long as Leno is gone. For the rest of the networks, I would agree that Dollhouse could find a home On SyFy, maybe as a companion to one of the established shows, USA should keep doing what it is doing with original shows.
Get rid of Jay Leno ASAP!! Show reruns of Law & Order, Friday Night Lights, Monk, Dateline, whatever, just get rid of it.
Bring back Bionic Woman, and kill Heroes.
keep heroes..maybe hire some new writers..dump some cast or keep them and get new people. whether you think it's bad or not (not that i do) it's still got plenty of potential..being a show about people with powers and all..
I agree with PiperPrueLover4
Don't forget to give original programming a chance, don't try to create the next "Lost" or another hospital / cop drama TV show.
Tell them to make SyFy pick up Dollhouse for a third season. That will endear them to over two million people right off the bat.