We recap episode four of Australia's Next Top Model Cycle 7.
This week, the girls stood up in windows and laid around in coffins ... being a model is hard work.
Out of FocusThe girls get woken with a "Sarah Mail" supposedly at the crack of dawn, but it was probably really at about 11am. That's early for teenagers, right?
They immediately (give or take a few hours of styling) leave to do yoga in the park with Charlotte Dawson and yoga instructor Charlotte Dodson (awkward), whose main claim to fame is being Miranda Kerr's yoga teacher. Neo complains that she doesn't like yoga, despite never having done it before. Does anyone else find her irritating?
Montana (who?) then has a piece to camera about standing out or something; we don't even know what she was actually saying, because we lost focus and started counting the number of times she said "like" (13 times ... in two sentences).
Also, Amelia looks gross doing yoga. Check it out:
Caroline pulls a muscle and refuses to go on. The teacher bitches in her ethereal yoga-instructor voice that Caroline won't participate, and doesn't believe that she really has a knee injury. Caroline admits later that she was being "incooperative". Glad we sorted that out.
Through a Glass DarklyAfter getting home from the most random cliff-top yoga session we've ever witnessed, the girls walk into their lounge room and spot stacks of gifts for them all: shoes, hair products, underwear, toothbrushes, vitamins, necklaces, mobile phones.
For no reason at all, this scene is shot looking through the window from outside, which gives it a kind of creepy pervert vibe. Or maybe it's foreshadowing the next challenge?
The show never actually explains why they're given these gifts, but it does make the perfect segue to Montana receiving an SMS from Sarah Murdoch on her new phone. This fresh piece of Sarah Mail tells the girls to meet "a familiar face" (how mysterious!) outside St James station (Montana pronounces it "S.T. James station", and all the girls look at her like she's a freak; you know it's not a good sign when these girls think you're unintelligent).
Annaliese wonders if they're going to have to model on a train. Why do they always make such stupid guesses? Stop talking, Annaliese.
The girls exit St James station and meet model mentor Josh Flinn across the street. How'd they know which station exit to take? Aren't there like several exits? Why are we questioning this?
There's some massive product placement going on in the next scene, as the girls are informed that their first challenge of the week will be to act like live mannequins in the David Jones store windows in Market Street. They have to come up with five poses, and hold each pose for three minutes.
The ensuing scene is kind of a comedy of errors.
Josh, Sarah and another Australian model, Samantha Harris, walk past the store window, trying to distract the girls. They succeed in making several giggle. Little kids pull faces at them. Hazel nearly faints, and has to leave the window. Izzy's fuchsia hair stains the white jacket she's supposed to be modelling. Annaliese's nose starts running, and she can't move to wipe it. Why is it that your nose always runs at the most inopportune moment? It's usually when you're washing up.
A buff guy then takes his shirt off in front of the window, pointing to Madeline and to himself, obviously hoping for some sort of romantic interaction. How that's going to take place through a pane of glass, we just don't know.
Samantha Harris pronounces Jess the winner of the challenge, and she receives a $500 voucher for David Jones. All's well that ends well.
Coffin Up the GoodsAlissandra points out that yoga was based on the mind, and the mannequin challenge was based on the body; so the third challenge must focus on the spirit. Wow, one of them actually guessed it right! Sadly, this insight doesn't help her much in the challenge.
The girls meet Josh in a graveyard, where they're introduced to a photographer who is going to shoot them (with a camera) while they're posing inside a coffin. Izzy jumps up and down with excitement as the others freak out; she explains that her boyfriend has three coffins at home. We're going to back away from her now...
As they prepare for the shoot in a room filled with corsets, big hair, dead-looking make-up and massive platform shoes, Izzy is a little over-enthusiastic -- we can't help thinking that she might be a bit too overconfident, and will end up disappointing.
Simone gives us another fascinating insight into the way her mind works: "This is the best I'm going to look in a coffin. I think next time I'll be in a coffin I'll look dead. Cos I will be dead." Thanks for that infinite wisdom. Yolanda comments on her outfit, saying, "I look like a crazy person with some bondage and a pheasant." We know that's the look that we want. Neo sucks at posing because she's freaked out by the coffin. Izzy reminds us yet again that she's done this before. Caroline is sick, and explains that it's hard to do a photo shoot when you're trying not to spew. So true.
The stylist and the photographer tell the girls that none of them have been Lady Gaga-creepy enough. After this chastisement, Liz lets out a manly roar during her shoot, Tayah snarls and channels Bride of Chucky and Izzy's screams are blood-curdling. You know that "smizing" thing that Tyra Banks is always going on about on America's Next Top Model? Smiling with your eyes? Well, it kind of looks like Izzy is screaming with her mouth, but not with her eyes. Her eyes remain vacant. She's not scrizing!
Judgment DayAlex Perry finally turns up at this week's photo reveal/elimination to taunt the girls. He tells Alissandra that it looks like she was stuffed into the coffin, cos she so fat. Rachel, however, looks "perfect". He tells Tayah, "I don't like this photo. I think it looks like you were going to the Melbourne Cup and someone ran you over with a fascinator and then popped you into that coffin." (Whatever that means.) Tayah cries.
Everyone thinks Neo looks great, even though she so wasn't trying at all during the shoot. Or during anything, really. Ever. In reaction to Caroline's photo, Alex says, "I need to take a little nap now." Well, it could have been worse; she could have spewed. Charlotte comments that "there's something a bit two-dollar store" about Caroline. The InStyle fashion editor, who's moonlighting as the fourth judge this week, counters with, "I don't know if it's two dollars, but it's no more than 10." Poor Caz. (Can we call her that?)
Charlotte says that Simone suffers from MMS: Men's Magazine Syndrome. Simone remains unfazed by this snarky criticism.
Well, we were right about Izzy. The judges say that that hers is the worst picture, and she comes third last. She claims that everyone kept putting loads of pressure on her because coffins are her "thing", but whatever; she was the one going on and on about how cool and normal to her they were. And she liked the shot prior to the judges dissing it. Pride before a fall!
In the end, it comes down to Tayah and Alissandra ... and it's Tayah leaving! A worthy choice.
Randomness factor: 8/10 (unexplained gifts, unnecessary graveyards, shirtless guys....)
Sticking-to-the-theme factor: 9/10
Australia's Next Top Model airs 7:30pm Mondays on Fox8.
See last week's rundown here and come back next week for our recap of the makeover episode!