You probably thought you'd have a pleasant weekend full of relaxation, sunlight, cleaning, sun tea, sporting events, catching up on correspondence, productivity. But your television BEGS TO DIFFER...
What to watch on Friday, June 10:
AWARDS SPECIAL, 9pm, Spike
Spike Guys Choice Awards
Dearest Brosephs, I write to you with great news. Your favorite awards show, the one billed as "for guys by guys" airs tonight, and features such masculine luminaries as Mark Wahlberg, Cameron Diaz, Mila Kunis, and Jennifer Aniston, that latter of whom will be accepting the Decade of Hotness Award. There shall also be a reunion of the cast of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, for some reason. Bro forth, my dear dudes!
SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, Starz
All right, I may have accidentally claimed that each of the past three episodes were season finales, but this one ACTUALLY is (I think). Tune in for tonight's SEASON FINALE in which Arthur and his men battle the mercenaries at Bardon Pass and Sybil leads her followers to Camelot. Sorry for all the mix-ups, Camelot. You were expensive and under-loved.
SERIES PREMIERE, 7pm, Disney
My Babysitter's a Vampire
I love it when the title is also the plot. This here is a feature-length pilot episode for Disney's new live-action show about a kid with a vampire for a babysitter. #2cool
Dang, it's like MTV is TRYING to get back on my good side after those horrible movie awards. According to at least one listing I've seen, this MAY be the original John Carpenter masterpiece. Deep down though, I'm concerned it's the remake. Fingers crossed!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Flashpoint, 8 p.m., CBS
How Do They Do It?, 8 p.m., Science
Dual Survival, 9 p.m., Discovery
How It's Made, 9 p.m., Science
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, 9 p.m., ABC
Say Yes to the Dress, 9 p.m., TLC
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Swamp Brothers, 10 p.m., Discovery
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Fashion Police, 10:30 p.m., E!
The Whitest Kids U'Know, 10:30 p.m., IFC
Storytellers: Ray Lamontagne, 11 p.m., VH1
Bill Cosby on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Emma Roberts on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Jane Lynch & Janeane Garofalo on Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Jennifer Lawrence on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Kevin Bacon & Wendy Williams on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
What to watch on Saturday, June 11:
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, NBC
Field of Vision
An enchanted video camera helps a star high school quarterback learn all kinds of mystical stuff about himself. [Unnecessarily elaborate Xtube joke removed]
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Hallmark
A Crush on You
Here's a romantic farce in which a man emails his crush only to accidentally strike up a romance with her co-worker. The only thing shocking about this thing is that it was directed by indie legend Allison Anders. Groceries don't pay for themselves, you guys!
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Syfy
Ice Road Terror
After a mining operation accidentally awakens a hibernating monster, an icy Alaskan highway gets a lot more interesting for two truckers. YOU try swerving around a patch of terrible CGI.
Pinata: Survival Island
This is just some terrible film from 2002, but it's about a haunted pinata! Holy moly, someone had the perfect idea. Anyway, it's about college kids vacationing on a tropical island who accidentally unleash evil spirits from an ancient pinata. You came here wondering what you should watch tonight, and I am telling you: THIS.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
CHAOS, 8 p.m., CBS
Cops, 8 p.m., Fox
iCarly, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Fox
Dateline: Real Life Mysteries, 9 & 10 p.m., TLC
Doctor Who, 9 p.m., BBC America
Oddities, 10 p.m., Science
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Shark Men, 10 p.m., NatGeo
What to watch on Sunday, June 12:
Game of Thrones
It's the second-to-last episode, you guys! I mean, we'll have True Blood soon, but still—I am going to be so sad when this is over. Anyway, tonight things really heat up: Robb heads into battle, Daenerys must come to her husband's aid, and three armies converge on King's Landing.
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, CBS
The 2011 Tony Awards
Let's be honest, none of us saw any of these musicals, not even you New Yorkers, so don't play it off like you have any ponies in this race. BUT Neil Patrick Harris is hosting and there will be performances from nominees The Book of Mormon and The Scottsboro Boys, so at least we'll be able to PRETEND we saw these shows later on when we're talking to New Yorkers who are also pretending to have seen them. Yay!
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Lifetime
Lifetime's newest detective drama features The Profiler's Ally Walker and also Tisha Campbell-Martin (her name is also her resumé!) as partners who investigate brutal murders. Be careful, ladies.
Callie finds herself jealous of the natural chemistry between Jim and his old partner. Secondarily, they try to track a serial killer. Priorities!
In Plain Sight
Tonight Mary must protect an Amish witness who's having a tough time dealing with modern society and also the fact that people want to murder her. Welcome to the world, lady.
SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, Oxygen
The Glee Project
It's a Glee-themed reality show in which the winner receives a seven-episode arc on Glee. Because sure, why not?
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 & 8 p.m., CBS
Coal, 8 p.m., Spike
Mob Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes, 8 p.m., OWN
Army Wives, SEASON 5 FINALE, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Bridezillas, SEASON 8 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., WE
Ice Road Truckers, 9 p.m., History
Law & Order: Criminal Intent, 9 p.m., USA
MTV Unplugged: Lil Wayne, 9 p.m., MTV
Next Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
Real Housewives of Orange County, 9 p.m., Bravo
Swamp Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Finding Bigfoot, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Freaky Eaters, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TLC
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., E!
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
The Killing, 10 p.m., AMC
The Real L Word, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Showtime
Treme, 10 p.m., HBO
Why Not? With Shania Twain, 11 p.m., OWN
Ice Loves Coco, SERIES PREMIERE, 10:30 p.m., E!
Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1, 11:45 p.m., Cartoon Network
Superjail!, 12 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?