Celebrity Apprentice: It's Time to Call Some People Out

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As regulars to TV.Com’s Celebrity Apprentice reviews are aware, I am a big, close-reading nerd for Celebrity Apprentice. I let the episodes seep through me like intoxicating vapors from a volcanic fissure and then spew out the most profound mythological and Jungian references my malnourished brain is capable of or paint weird, crazy, stalker-fan portraits of Penn Teller. But I feel incredibly justified, both because I REFUSE to chart the product placement of a two-hour commercial block for Trump’s cherry-picked sponsors, and also because there are deep themes of betrayal, of fallen heroes, of overthrowing honor for notoriety, pettiness, sacrifice. Look, there really are uncanny parallels between the hijinks of the B-list celebrities in Trump’s indulgently long freak show and the squabbles of Greco-Roman demigods. But for this episode, there were 10 observations I want to discuss that I can only talk about in the context of 2012. So I’m going to take a brief hiatus from my favorite way to recap and just call out these goblins. I’m LOOKING AT YOU, AUBREY.

1. Aubrey O’Day says she sleeps with pictures of kids who have committed suicide pinned up around her bed. How relaxing! Is this before or after you dance to “Goodbye Horses” in a pink kimono like Buffalo Bill? Also, for all the love she threw her charity, GLSN, she actually gay-bullied Arsenio. She was talking about how Arsenio is the biggest girl on the show and probably loves playing cheerleaders at home and whatnot. I really hope GLSN cashes her check and then immediately sends her a stinging letter.

2. Whether or not Arsenio is gay is none of my beez, but Aubrey’s other accusation, that he’s old, is pretty dead-on. NO OFFENSE! It's fine and sometimes even INCREDIBLY SEXY to be older than 50, but the way he talks, he has that old-man cadence, and the fact that he immediately associated tap-dancing with African-American stereotypes says a lot about his temporal context. Not that any of us should ever forgive or forget racist Shirley Temple.

3. I loved when the Good Sam's guy mentioned the company's non-speaking personality. You know what should be their mascot? A picture of whatever the hell it is they actually sell, because I am sitting here trying to remember what the contestants even sold and all I can think of is that weird guy standing with his hands at his sides that the company calls a mascot. Despite having watched basically a two-hour commercial including two musical presentations on the subject. Trailers? RVs? GPS units? Whatever, I don’t care. I am going to go out of my way not to buy anything that’s EVER appeared on Celebrity Apprentice, because it is basically child abuse (B-level celebrities are often helpless, throw tantrums, and just want to be loved, just like children)

4. This is the first time Dayana came off as kind of dumb. The editing wasn’t kind, but even the language barrier makes it hard to excuse her suggestion that the music be more “yellow” or “pink.” It was especially infuriating to me because my sister-in-law was visiting and watching the show for the first time and she was totally on Lisa’s side. She was like, “Lisa keeps it real! Dayana’s so smug and gross!” and I was going crazy trying to explain, “NONONONONO Lisa has been riding Dayana for weeks and has put her in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t position!” But my comments went largely unheard.

5. Ivanka kept cracking up in the boardroom when Lisa went off about how Dayana was stupid and would be doing nothing in her 60s while Lisa was successful and would not be taking advice from Dayana etc. etc. etc. Lisa loves to tell it like it is but the fact is, if anyone showed as little empathy to her as she shows to Dayana and also threw in a couple of well-placed barbs, I seriously think she would go home and put her head in the oven. It’s very weird when people act so pathetically insecure that you have to handle them with kid gloves, and then they turn around and treat you like garbage, but it's happened to me and it's been happening to Dayana for basically this whole season.

6. I’ve got a girl crush on Ivanka trump. She’s gorgeous, she’s smart, and she’s super perceptive. And her effing clothes! I love her.

7. Aubrey O’Day: brought to you by foundation undergarments. Did you spy her Spanx? Did you notice her industrial-strength pantyhose under her cheerleader uniform, paired with COMFY WHITE SNEAKERS like a graveyard shift casino waitress?? I am so fascinated by her.

I could watch her tromp around in those white puffy shoes and pigtails for years. And it would be a life well-lived.

8. Also, when Aubrey started going off about how she could lead anyone, anywhere, from any position of power—wow, just wow you megalomaniac. Have you ever heard someone so proud of being a weasel? Also: I go out of my way not to criticize the elements of a public figure’s appearance that they don’t have control over, or can’t easily change. I would not attack someone with obvious facial surgery because they are wrestling with their own insecurities and don’t need me, hidden behind my computer, to co-sign their own deafening self-criticism. But I have no problem having a good long laugh at Aubrey O’Day’s crazy red hair and weird eyelashes. YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN HOOKER, AUBREY. But, like, one rinse of Nice N’ Easy and several fewer pounds of makeup and you’d be stunning. So stop making clown hooker decisions!

9. I am putting forth the theory that no one feeds the celebrities until after the boardroom, because every week they get into the screening room or war room or whatever it is and immediately fall upon the canapes and olives and baby quiches or whatever like they’re starving. I think this is a strategic thing production does so the “celebrities” are extra irritable when Trump starts stirring the pot in the boardroom.

10. Clay is effing hilarious. I want to go on a road trip with him and hear him react to stuff. Comparing Dayana to his work with mentally challenged kids and telling her he is a grown-ass man? Need to get his book. I may even send away for a signed headshot. Even if he gets voted off next week (which is doubtful, Theresa is obviously next), then he will still have won the more important prize in this game: MY HEART!


QUESTIONS:

– How would you handle working with Aubrey?

– Is Theresa next on the chopping block?

– Who has impressed you most this season?

– Team Lisa or Team Dayana?

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