Celebrity Apprentice: Let's Just Rename This Show Celebrity Torture

Celebrity Apprentice S12E12: "Blown Away"

Um, should this show even be legal? Seriously. I think Celebrity Apprentice is violating several human rights laws. Granted, it's celebrities who are being psychologically tortured and physically exhausted, but they are still basically humans. I have a feeling they are not eating regularly or sleeping regularly, and there is no question they're being mentally broken by Trump. This episode should be taken as a warning to all celebrities everywhere to not, under any circumstances, compete on Celebrity Apprentice.

And this week's episode was a warning to society that Aubrey O'Day needs to be in an insane asylum cell filled with beauty products and a webcam blasting her out 24-7 as a cautionary tale to youngsters, for both her protection and for ours. Aubrey stole the show from the moment she insisted that her weird orange clown hair was "all real" to Farouk, the elfkin hair wizard who has spent his whole life up to his wrists in hair, to her weird insistence that they dismiss the hair model Theresa had futilely bargained for so Aubrey could be in an Elle photo spread as a weird revenge on Elle for putting her on their worst-dressed list. (OMG how often do you think Aubrey googles her own name? Is her room plastered with a collage of her own face cut out of various magazines?) The extent to which she was turned on by modeling clearly flustered everyone in the room. Like, the photographers and Therersa and everybody looked like they were caught in an elevator with a masturbating clown, which is an apt metaphor for what was actually going on.

Aubrey's embarrassing modeling sesh wasn't the only uncomfortable glimpse into a fragile psyche, there was also Lisa's campaign being all about "what's under the surface." Like damn, Lisa, you are so caught up in people being the exact opposite of how they appear and commenting on superficiality all the damn time? Of all the players I'd say Lisa judges people most on their appearance and punishes people for it the most (see Dayana, Dayana, and Dayana). Also, she was so rough on Theresa when they negotiated models. It was kind of hilarious how easily she manipulated Theresa, and the strategy was savvy but at the end of the day, who did it help? No one. SURPRISE FIRING!

YOWCH. You tell someone who is very emotional that they are out of control with their emotions, make them swear up and down that they can handle their temper and play it cool, then surprise-fire them. That’s an exquisite psychological torture and I think it almost broke Lisa’s mind trying to keep that smile in place when what she wanted to do was reach forward and tear that beige cotton candy off Trump’s head.

So take heed, B-level celebrities with empty calendars, you can be on this show and be savvy and call in favors from your rich pals and work like a son of a bitch scrubbing floors and trading your dignity for a thumbs-up from Banana Boat or whatever, but at the end of the day Trump might just call in two people to judge you based on a five-minute discussion and then disregard their advice ANYWAY. Although I thought Rich was dead-on about Aubrey.

She's a chess player, but a transparent chess player is a brilliant way to put it. She's also a chest player. I'm sorry, I'm so obsessed with Aubrey O'Day! She's taking this so seriously and she's never quite gotten the connection that if she steamrolls the project manager and is responsible for everything about a project, when it fails it’s a comment on her bad idea. So far her best example of creativity is the hundreds of different ways she's found to call Theresa dumb in the boardroom with backhanded compliments. Like, please hit the rage button already, Theresa. Theresa has spent this whole season being a positive beam of warm light with only occasional moments of flaring up in the boardroom when threatened, like she did trying to blame Arsenio for the project's failure.

I'm not sure why Arsenio dressed up like Nathan Detroit from Guys and Dolls in the boardroom but his line, "Don't try to throw me under the bus or I'll back it up and run you over with it!" slayed me. She really should have made the point that Aubrey had come up with the whole campaign and dismissed their model instead of attacking Arsenio, but I also like the girl solidarity she and Aubrey have held down, so it's still for the best.

Also, I was not feeling the "To Be Continued..." thing. This show already spends so much time in the boardroom, the idea of starting in the boardroom next week makes me feel kind of claustrophobic. I'd be quite interested in knowing how long they keep the contestants in those boardroom sessions. They've all mentioned getting two to three hours of sleep and the sleep deprivation (Marlee and Rich too) and I have drawn these conclusions:

– They do not get to eat before they go to the boardroom.

– The boardroom sessions go on for at least four hours if not more.

– They film the boardroom well into the night and the players get druuunk afterward.

Which is a schedule that would mentally break a Marine, let alone a crowd of nervy, touchy, sensitive actors and performers. This show is torture, is what I'm saying, and while I am SO happy it keeps going I feel weirdly bad about enjoying it so much and oddly protective of these thoroughbred weirdos. And I hope any celebrity considering joining the show watches this whole season and takes this warning: It's not Celebrity apprentice, it's celebrity torture! You are officially warned, my beloved Niecy Nash. Steer clear!


– Who are your picks for the final two?

– What celebrity do you think would absolutely destroy Celebrity Apprentice but is way too classy to get involved in this shambles? (My pick is obviously Niecy Nash.)

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