Celebrity Apprentice: Lou-sing It (A Song of Medusa and Hercules)

The Celebrity Apprentice S12E08

The arm of Hercules diminished not
though years had cast a pallor on his face
below the aged skin the muscles wrought
one mortal’s refusal to age with grace
and though his tongue could never speak the thought
body weakening, his resolve was weakened not

Beside him sat Medusa, long resigned
to treat her body like a Snuggie, stained
and though her head be ringed in serpentine
she doted ‘pon the treasures of her brain
and while a quick tongue would leap to profane
in argument no ground from her he’d gain

Protested he to Trump at boardroom long
that he in vain had begged stronger branding
and in his heart knew the casting wrong
in front of camera wanted to be standing
Lisa, each argument of his she grasped
and flung from her each like a poison’d asp

Now in the boardroom, solemn all
heard Lou threaten if Lisa had been man
without a thought he’d chuck her through a wall
beside him, head bowed, the silent Dayana
waited to take him back into the room
where Lisa’s wit would spell his doom

Even at the dawn of the show’s starting
at mad Arsenio, Lisa had roared
proclaiming his words no more than sharting
despising him for calling Aubrey whore
Aubrey, after hot words, had not come back
left to refuel herself with spunk and Jack

Returned, Aubrey’s above-it-all air
her cool words soothed, her shaky team enforced
counterfeit joy, each a false smile did wear
and let the awkward filming run its course
thus does professionalism work
joining the forces of invet’rate jerks

The blood of Lisa courses not slow enough
to let cool words escape her quick mind’s grip
her cadence fast, her mannish tone quite rough
each word an arrow with a fatal tip
without thought, the Amazonian bow
lets loose its hurt upon poor Farrigno

No false niceties hath her assessment
her team returning without Dee, her sighs
showed no confidence in them invested
she hath not courtesy enough to lie
but showered invective on her teammates
leaving, advised Penn not to stay up late

Was this what quickened Hercule’s anger
and made his boulder jaw, his ears to twitch
their work he disowned like a stranger
and in betraying them proved the true bitch
Lisa, Dayana’s side for once did take
and would not betray beauty for truth’s sake

Entertainment.com four spots did get
the weary audience, two times must watch
hamfisted innuendo, risqué yet
somehow the very opposite of “hot”
Perchance in arguments ‘fore the win is called
Trump auditions the best conflict of all

Trump does play the players back and forth
before any reason to betray their bond
has them pull weapons and to him report
the strongest and weakest of the pawns
leaving the winners to file out in disgrace
whether they win or not, they must lose face

Theresa’s team like one flesh did strong stand
and defied Trump to pick an argument
such solidarity from this band
which had before unruly dissidence
knew one more argument they could not take
and Trump here mercy showed for their sake

An uneasy victory the victors took
and yet the true glory of battle fell
To Lisa, Medusa, who no wound took
but strong beneath fragile-seeming shell
matched wits with Lou, her words proved cleaving
the wit still stands, the brawny man is leaving

Better to have made his reason strong
and beat a better shield out of his mind
for years of youth and strength are never long
and time upon the sinews of man is unkind
the pride of flesh withers and will fail
the mind stays strong, only wisdom prevails

Women, remember this true lesson here
next a disloyal man, never silent be
no matter if you his displeasure fear
the only true ugliness is dishonesty
Lisa, bathed in truth, is truly beauty-blessed
and wit outstripping all, last night outshined the rest


– Is loyalty everything?

– Do you have a new respect for Lisa Lampanelli or do you think she’s bi-polar?

– Will you miss Lou or was it high time for him to go?

– How long until we get to see another Arsenio-Aubrey spat?

– Is Aubrey conniving or surprisingly mature?

– Who do you think deserves the title of Celebrity Apprentice?

Comments (18)
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Apr 17, 2012
Fantastic. Wish I had been reading these all along. I'll have to catch up.
Apr 11, 2012
1) Except to wives, huh Donster?

2) Watching her on Celebrity Apprentice has given me even less respect for Lampanelli than I had before, something I would not have thought possible. She is a cruel, witless creep, just smart enough to have found a way to pass off her most vile thoughts and beliefs as jokes, as if she's lampooning bigotry rather than simply expressing it.

3) Like Lisa and Aubrey, Lou has been making a fool of himself week after week, but unlike the mean girls, he's pitiable. It was a relief to see him saved from himself.

4) Aubrey won't be able to contain her evil for another week, but she might be afraid to target Arsenio after this, going instead after a target she perceives as weaker than he is. Like "Muppet Baby" Teresa.

5) Aubrey appears to be trapped in eternal emotional infancy, with all of the selfishness of a toddler married to the intelligence of a mature woman. If she were a criminal rather than just a fame whore, the world would have a real life Bond villain on its hands.

6) Clay, Arsenio, and Paul are the stand-outs so far, in that order. Clay looks shrewder than Paul, more emotionally stable than Arsenio, and more charming than both, so it ought to be Clay for the win.
Apr 11, 2012
-It should be...sort of. But it isn't. Honesty trumps loyalty.

-Uhhh no. And that's an insult to bi-polar people as they have legitimate reasons behind behaving a certain way. She's just a *insert that word that she's allowed to say but no one else can out of fear of all of America hating them*

-He was due to go a long time ago honestly.

-Doubtful that Arsenio will rehash the unpleasant mood. Aubrey on the other hand can't not be a *insert....*

-I think I just spewed water on my laptop. I'll go with conniving for $300 Lily.

- I hate to say it...but I think I've officially become a Clay-mate.
Apr 11, 2012
I am on the Clay train as real. He is sassy and classy and you CANNOT beat that combination.
Apr 10, 2012
1) Ioyalty was an excuse to rid the show of the Hulk even though he should have gone weeks ago.

2) Respect for the foul mouthed Witch that is Lampenelli please! if her career wasn't already in the toilet it should be now. i have no interest in following her beyond this show and can't wait for Trump to realise that her Creative is what is ruining her teams chances of ever winning a task.

3) See 1. it was high time for him to leave.

4) How long before an Aubrey and anyone spat? Soon very soon but Go Arsenio go, Did he go a bit overboard yes but who among us didn't already think what he was saying.

5) Oh Conniving just doesn't do it justice she is out to win at any cost and her return was all about trying to improve/save her image along with the Witch i can't wait to see the back of her.

6) Clay should win i think but it could be close Paul is strong and so is Penn none of the girls stand a chance this year though
Apr 10, 2012
Lisa is as duplicitous as they come. She denigrates all of her team-mates outside of the boardroom and refuses to take responsibility for the fact that her teams keep losing. She states that if she wasn't working there would be no product, however, maybe if she stopped being the creative head her team could win a round. Snake.
Apr 10, 2012
It was time for Lou to go. 110%!!!

P.S. Love the recaps!!
Apr 10, 2012
Thank you!!! Yes 110%...what a mantra.
Apr 10, 2012
Sorry, couldn't be bothered to read all of this - life is just too short and the first pararaph bored me rigid. It might be clever and well written but if I wanted clever and well written I'd read a book. Any chance of a proper review?
Apr 10, 2012
It's satire! Celebrity Apprentice is such a ridiculous, over-the-top, and disingenuous show that it deserves to be covered in a ridiculous, over-the-top, and disingenuous way. To recap it like it's anything other than the guiltiest of guilty pleasures would be to dignify it more than it deserves.
Apr 10, 2012
Apr 10, 2012
I'm glad I'm not the only one. I wrote the exact same thing last week.

With all due respect, this is not an episode recap. Could TV.COM please read the comments and have someone prepare a proper review.

Apr 10, 2012
I don't understand...are you not watching the show? do you have to cover it for a paper so you need a blow by blow replay?
Apr 11, 2012
These recaps are not for those who watch the show? Who are they for then?
Apr 10, 2012
I watch it, but then I like to read someone's perspective on the same thing I have just seen.

With all due respect Miss Sparks, I just don't relate to what your writing - it's not the water cooler banter I so desperately desire post episode.

It's nice to know you read the comments though!
Apr 10, 2012
"Lisa, each argument of his she grasped

and flung from her each like a poison'd asp"

"Aubrey, after hot words, had not come back

left to refuel herself with spunk and Jack"

Ancient Greece and Egypt allusions, internal rhyme, iambic pentameter, and managing to fit in the phrase "spunk and Jack"? That's gotta be a first in internet TV review history. It's official... The main reason why I now watch Celebrity Apprentice is so I can read these recaps on Monday.

Apr 11, 2012
Honestly don't even watch the show, but still look forward to these every week.
Apr 10, 2012
Thank you!!! that means a lot. This has become my favorite assignment to do each week.

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