Celebrity Apprentice: Mystic Pizza

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No, someone did not slip a tab of bad acid into your Lean Cuisine. You’ve simply stumbled upon the season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice: Biding Time Until the One with Charlie Sheen Edition. Now that we’ve spent one pizza-riffic evening with our celeb(cough)rities, let’s assess the strengths and weaknesses of some of this season’s standout players.

TEAM A.S.A.P.

Star Jones (Project Manager)
Strengths: “They cut my chest open and took out my heart out for 22 minutes,” explained the former View co-host, who is now a cyborg that can emit a powerful stream of sulphuric acid from her eye sockets.
Weaknesses: Emotional crutch is a tiny white lapdog in stripper shorts.

Dionne Warwick
Strengths: Expert interpretation of tricky Bacharachian melodies in the clutch. (Could come in handy during any future, Burt Bacharach-themed challenges.)
Weaknesses: Anything involving operating a credit card swiper.

Nikki Taylor
Strengths: Seeming sane, making pizza.
Weaknesses: Looking most edible to Gary Busey during his afternoon supermodel cravings.

Marlee Matlin
Strengths: Hearing-impaired status renders her immune to droning voices of her teammates, not to mention Donald Trump.
Weaknesses: Must end every sentence with a finger-snap and utterance of her copyrighted catchphrase, “Deaf we can, girlfriend!”

TEAM BACKBONE

Richard Hatch (Project Manager)
Strengths: Pure, unadulterated, sociopathic evil.
Weaknesses: Trump Tower bellboys.

Lil Jon
Strengths: High tolerance for Crunk Juice.
Weaknesses: Ghetto cred hurt slightly by his “Celebrity Pizza, Yo, Cum’n Get it!” rap.

Gary Busey
Strengths: Can scare and confuse enemies into retreating simply by looking at them.
Weaknesses: Tends to forget to turn off the cellphone through which he receives direct orders from his extraterrestrial overlords.

Mark McGrath
Strengths: Can sing and read tabloid-y entertainment news copy.
Weakesses: Used to get rockstar laid.

Jose Canseco
Strengths: World’s first Gorilla Juicehead.
Weakesses: Not that smart, according to Richard Hatch.

David Cassidy
Strengths: Has a daughter on Gossip Girl.
Weaknesses: Addicted to smoking, in denial about Little Person status, has given up on life, was fired.