Celebrity Apprentice: One Epic War Room

Celebrity Apprentice S12E07: "Walking Papers"

SCENE: The stage is bare, except for Storyteller Penn, who stands in a ragged white cloak, marred with dirt, leaning on a staff, his hair flowing about his shoulders. On either side of him are the CHORUS of MEN and the CHORUS of WOMEN, all in black togas, unsmiling masks on their faces. A troupe of minstrels, their faces painted blue, have made their way through the audience at this point, tossing coins into the audience and beating wildly on tambourines, a tall puppet figure of a man being manipulated by them with long poles, they pass by Penn and out of the koilon. Penn raises his head and looks at the audience a long time with a knowing smile, then grabs his staff and draws a circle in the ground.


The field of war is cleared now of its bloody harvest

Debbie Gibson has been dragged away, after her dispatching

If there had been a shell upon the boardroom floor

Theresa would have used its edge to cut the flesh from her very bones.


There is nobility in fighting for survival, to purchase the cup of life

From another's hands, for this a warrior is made

But the soldiers on this field are wounded through

Mortally their wounds sing blood, and in their death rage

They give the killing blow, not to save their lives,

But to die in greater company.


And so Debbie has fallen

By Theresa's hand, by Theresa's hate, and Theresa, wounded

Fights only for another night around the campfire of her luxury hotel room


[He flourishes his staff, toward scaffolding above the stage, and a flare of fire bursts just beyond the scaffolding. We see silhouettes of three men at a long table, hacking away with butcher's knives at what appear to be the scattered parts of elephants and giraffes.]

—in his mercy, has disturbed the ranks. The army of women

Mingles with the army of men, and has demanded

That they sing the joys of walking, make a tribute to stepping

To the clear eyed Queen of Walgreens, the uneasy Alison Sweeney

That aging Hercules, Lou Ferrigno, sought to win the day with sadness

Forgetting that packaging is the portrait of the smiling man

There are no crying faces on a box to sell, no sobbing child

Has yet sold a single box of Cheerios, yet Lou insisted

And told his tale of woe. To the boardroom he is called.

That mighty slaughterhouse in which the tongue does butchering

In which the long-slain corpse of dignity is trampled into dust

And with him he shall take Dee Snider, that aged face

Austere as the face of Rome, its gentle eyes like unto generations

Of Roman grandmothers, who have peered into the cradle

A black veil over their white hair, their mouths dripping sweet

as they sing the gentle lullabies to their Roman grandson

Their womanly cloak conceals a dagger, and should they be roused to battle

Even the great Leonidas could not persuade them to surrender

And too Ferrigno has called, that Goddess of Love Dayana

Foolishly parading once more the woman Trump himself has crowned

The most beautiful in the Universe—

[There is a shrieking in the WOMEN'S CHORUS. A figure moves through the chorus, casting off her mask. It is the HAG LISA LAMPENELLI. She scuttles forward, circling PENN.]


You too, Penn? I had thought your eyes too sharp

To be so deceived by as soft a pillow over an asp

As that smooth-fleshed fool Dayana. I had thought

You of all tellers would cry the deceit God has rendered in that face

Pouring into the grandest of chalices the thinnest and sparest of wine

Tell me, do you not discern? Have your eyes become too clouded

By the incense of her myrrh-smoothed limbs

By the light caught in the harlot's hair?


I am discerning, O Hag Lisa, and as I look at you

Your eyes as soft as the fairest young maiden's, and yet their glance

They flit to and throw, sentries for a jealous mind, and everywhere

They see attacking armies where only forest stands.

You are infected with a bitterness toward this girl

Even unto killing her, you would think yourself justified

This girl who has done nothing except be born in the shape

And the image of love.


You and I had been yoked like oxen

We had carried a load of imbeciles, her lash we felt together

Is it my hell, like Cassandra, to be the only one who can see her evil?

She is a fire in which I stand, and I cry out to the orchid-filled room

I cry out to my comrades, bending over their tall Mac computers

And no one comes to my aid. If I had that face, oh! There, there is the pain

There is the blade that emerges from within. If I had the shape of her chalice

You would know my wine is sweeter than honey, in its dark amber is suspended

The richest sunlight grown from the purest stem, intoxicating in its richness

And yet you will never drink it, Penn, for the bottle

Is marred, is muddied, has lain too long in the gutter—No!

It is enough. But I will not hear you call her that name, Goddess of Love!


There is no doubt in me of you virtues, Lisa

But you do not lay them down as tribute, you hold them hostage

Like they were your children, and you Medea, ready to slit their throats

And let their blood spill out, your own blood, to spite the enemy.

This is bitterness, Lisa, this is your shame: You drink from a cup of poison

And wait for Dayana to die.

[There is a cry from above the rafters, a figure emerges with hideous demon eyes, snakes of red hair stand out from her head. She gives a piercing shriek and then disappears as a crowd of players walk through the center of the room and past Penn. They are Clay, Theresa, Arsenio, and Paul Teutel Sr..]


For Sharon! For Sharon is this battle won!

[He collapses on the ground for a moment, then rises, sliding sunglasses on.]

From battle are we returned, victoriously honored

The spoils of war wait for us, olives on long skewers and Grey Goose

Sit, my worthy comrades, enjoy this moment of rest

In our long travails, before the next bloody dawn when again

We will have to take up our scarred and heavy weapons.


But where—there is—where is?

[There is a sound like snakes hissing far offstage.]


The victor's camp is not complete, one shield

Does not hang by the campfire of the giant flats-creen TV

On which the victors will gloat over their vanquished foes

There is one missing, a trickster, the painted one.


Yes, where is Aubrey? Did the truths that passed

Across that long table defeat the fiery demon

Who until now could not be quieted?

Did Trump, his lips the soft pink of his garment

Pronounce too heavily the sentence of annoying

On the dancing girl who fell in love with herself?


My Lord Arsenio is a man in the autumn of his years

The warmth of his summer has not passed, in his smile

The warmth of the sun spreads, in his fields is still

A bounteous harvest still waiting to be enjoyed.

The winter of age is still a season away, and he has the

Richness, the warmth of the last summery breeze

That pulls through the reddened leaves of the early autumn.

And like too, those autumn trees, he has not the resistant sap

He has not the resilience against the fires of rage

His anger, when torched, spreads, borne upon the wind

And devours the golden field like a crimson tide of fire

Rushing toward the shore, the dry leaves, the heaped bales

The dried vines of his vineyard are brittle, and only a spark is needed

To consume him entirely in righteous indignation

He had held the flame at bay while the battle raged

But now the sword is dropped, the cleansing heat sweeps through him

Arsenio tonight is a man on fire.

[There is a sound like snakes hissing, and the far-off beating of a small drum, that lets us know Aubrey is circling.]


We did this as a team. No one did this by themselves. Her first word is so arrogant.

Her response to you, and to you or to me is to go to her and ask Theresa? To co-sign for her bullshit? What about what you did to me? How about the shit you put me through?

Talk to us. Talk to me first about what you did to me. Why don't you just punch me in the face and ask Theresa if it hurts!


The heat of rage is a restoring thing, in age it feels like youth

In youth it feels like the certainty of age.

The dancing girl had mocked Arsenio to his face, had mocked the career

Had told him he had walked away from his night-throne.

In this her fate was sealed, for how can those who show no mercy

Demand the honor of a swift kill on the battlefield?

For her own ruthlessness, her blood would be slowly spilled.


I do not understand. Was it a mask he wore?

When Aubrey's quick voice bounced upon our council table

Like the incomprehensible spilling of beads, was he not

Calm and fatherly, did he not restrain his rage so that I

Who knows rage, I looked upon him and through the cold depths

The smooth ice water of the Long Island Sound?

Yet now I understand, 'twas all pretense, like a don

Who kisses the cheek of a man he has hired henchmen to kill

Arsenio waited, kept Aubrey in the battle, and then decided

To make an offering of her blood to our gods of war

He saved her to spill on the altar before Trump, should we not

Achieve our victory. He let her think her games, her glances,

Her clumsy dancing girl's steps had amused him. He made her believe

In her own power, let her dress herself in her own vain glory

And then presented her thus trussed as sacrifice should we lose.

I see now, the wisdom, and yet it terrifies me.

He walks above us like a sure-footed archer

While we cleave each other eye to eye, he will hover and wait for his shot,

With the eternal patience and vengeance of the gods who look down on us

From their sniper's pose in Olympus.


She's not going nowhere in this motherf-cker. Donald Trump has worked all his life to be who he is, and he's not going to take his banner and put it on her stank ass and represent her as a Celebrity Apprentice.


I agree.

[More hissing sounds offscreen, the drum beats wildly, louder and louder.]


When I Googled you, Theresa, to find out what you were about, it told me about your show, and your culinary desires, your fashion background. When I Googled her a naked picture of her with a gut popped up. F-ck her. F-CK HER.

[The drum abruptly stills at these words, as though a demon has been exorcised.]


– Was Arsenio's spot-on takedown of Aubrey pure poetry?

– Is Lisa fixating on Dayana?

– Penn Teller bringing the Blue Man Group to pop money balloons: brilliant way to attract a crowd or asking for a riot?

– Where do you think Aubrey went?

– Who deserves to be the next Celebrity Apprentice?

Comments (22)
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Apr 05, 2012
uh...this is the weirdest article ever...15 bonus points

this was one of the best Celebrity Apprentice board rooms ever (next week looks even better)

Apr 04, 2012

Hysterical, these ppl really behaves like if they were in a freaking arena, and I for one, appreciate it, good job Lily.

Aghh, Lisa really annoys me with her ranting about Dayana, good lord, she is just an angry old hag that sees in Dayana all she couldnt ever be. I, like Arsenio, googled many of the "celebrities", and found out about Lisa that she is a bully and a big mouthed angry biatch. Now, I will never understand why ppl thinks that being Though = Ruthless, that's how I think Lisa sees things, she wasnt graced by nature with good looks, kindness or candidness, so she resourced to use her mouth in the worst possibly negative way, she one day woke up and decided "I will be ruthless, that way I will hurt ppl before they can hurt me, I wont even give them tha chance to be nice to me, becasue I simply don't care", oh poor Lisa, has big selfesteem issues, so she fixes her hatred in miss universe because is the easy target, soft mouthed, pretty-dumb beauty queen, and she was so convinced by her own first impression of her, that won't even consider for a second that she was wrong!!!

THOUGH?? LISA??? nope, try being in the boardroom 4 times in a row and never loosing composture? I guess Dayana really took Patricia's advide and remained classy.

And Aubrey.. boy, oh boy.... she is just a fame hungry opportunist who came off a D-list trashy reality that nobody watched (I had to google her too), and is trying to make the most of her 15 mins of fame in this show, but she fell flat on her face, because she forgot who she was dealing with, really? diss Arsenio Hall? Are you freaking kidding me???

I love Clay Aiken, I never thought I would ever say this, but I love him, I hope he wins :D
Apr 04, 2012
Lily, while I appreciate the effort two weeks in a row, we come here for an actual episode review, not Ancient Greek storytime. We want to read your opinion on the episode and gauge it against our own, and potentially glean some new insight on what we just watched that we otherwise would have missed. If you want to add this stuff on as an addendum to your actual episode review, I'd be more than happy to read it, but this doesn't cut it as an actual episode review for me. Sorry.
Apr 05, 2012
Rather than discourage this author from writing unique columns that delight her other readers, why don't you simply find another review that is more to your taste and read that instead? If what you want is a straight-forward recap written in everyday language, there are a thousand out there to pick from.
Apr 04, 2012
Ok, I'm going to put this out there... Aubrey O'Day should fire her PR Team, Manager or what have you, the person that said "yeah it's a great idea for you to be on this show!" Mind you, I watched Making The Band and I always knew that she was skankolicious, but watching this craziness just confirms it. I mean with her reality show All About Aubrey, she's "trying" to make a comeback as a pop star since Diddy dumped her (Smartest move EVER!), and now THIS is where she is. Arsenio was SPOT ON!!! Honestly, I didn't even know how much of a hooker (I had my suspicions...) she was until Arsenio said what he did and I decided to Google her. He was right!!! Who takes naked pics to get guys to write her college papers? (Her gut was hanging too by the way...) Aubrey O'Day does!!! But back to the point, if she's trying to be successful and trying to restart her music career being on this show was a REALLY bad choice. All it does is make her look like a hooker, meh which she is anyway...
Apr 04, 2012
And seriously, they had three hours and still couldn't give us the full intro? The O'Jays gots bills to pay, yo!
Apr 04, 2012
Aubrey should take a picture of that screen shot above and take it to the American Horror Story Season 2 casting because she looks like one of their dead characters.

Apr 04, 2012
-Poetry in frickin motion. I was amused. I was relieved. I was throughly entertained. I lauged. Hysterically. At the fact that the She-Devil is clearly one of those type who can dish and spew viciousnesss under the guise that she speaks the truth and yet can't take it. When her bluntness is reciprocated she bawled her eyes out. Thank you Arsenio, for someone finally had the balls to call that woman out instead of shying away and/or giving up.

-Ha ha, does the Earth orbit the Sun?! I truly wish she and Aubrey quit the mean girl act...they are entirely too old for such foolishness. Lisa makes snap judgments on people before she even bothers to know them and then she berates them and sticks to those snap judgments until the end. Case in point, that beautiful backhanded compliment she gave Debbie where she basically stated that she doesn't know what caused Debbie to finally get her shizz together but she's glad she finally became more useful. The outrage she experienced when none of the others on her new team felt similiarly about Dayana was laughable.


-Tartarus. I really don't care. Good riddance.

-Clay Aiken. I never expected to like the guy this much.
Apr 04, 2012
1) Pure truth... and truth is beauty, and beauty is a form of poetry. So yeah. Move your skank ass over, Emily Dickinson.

2) Lisa, along with Aubrey and Debbie, hated all of the beautiful women, not just Dayana. Remember when Debbie was in charge and they put them all in a separate car and refused to let them talk? I think Lisa would like to return the sole remaining beauty to the 'non-cool' car and run a hose from its exhaust into the window.

3) They were lucky no one was seriously injured or even killed. In his own slightly more subtle way, Penn Jillette is every bit as monstrous an egomaniac as Aubrey.

4) To find a sycophantic follower to pour her stony little heart out to.

5) Clay Aiken. He's the shrewdest, sanest, and most likeable player left. Not that these qualities necessarily guarantee victory in the "Lord of the Flies"-scape that is Celebrity Apprentice.
Apr 03, 2012

- I loved every second of it!

- Yes! Although I do think she should speak up more, it is clear she has a backbone and a mind of her own

- Riot, even though they won without getting all the money (what do you mean "they are not about money"? What a weird statement is that, or did I miss some expressed opinion by the Blue Man Group?)

- Noooo clue, licking her wounds in private, probably

- Clay Aiken! I can't believe I think he's the best ;)

Someone actually talked to the receptionist!!
Apr 03, 2012
Sorry, I read about two words before I scrolled and saw it was nonsense I had no time or parience for. Just tell us what happened with a little bit of snark.
Apr 04, 2012
I believe it's patience. Rule of thought that I try to abide by when I'm on public forums. The moment I choose to express dissent in something, where it borders on being rude or distasteful, I make it a point to scan through my statement and correct any and all grammatical errors or misspellings. I find that your point will never be taken seriously otherwise, and you open the door for others to verbally berate you, toss in a sarcastic quip that is equal to or beyond yours etc. Just a little friendly advice. To sum it up...I lost interest after "parience".
Apr 03, 2012
You can Google it if you want. And I do have to point out that you did have time to scroll all the way down and post a comment that contributes nothing to my time or patience either.
Apr 03, 2012
The reviews the last 2 weeks have been f*ing amazing!

I'm rooting for Clay, as I have been since day 1. It's always the one who stays quiet, doesn't make waves, and kills it as project manager who ends up there at the end. Way back before "celebrities" entered, I knew Randall would take it after seeing him follow that pattern for just 2 weeks.

Aubrey's "departure" fit perfectly with what Arsenio was accusing her of (which was an absolutely brilliant takedown. He took everything she said and turned it back on her to drive home the singular argument that she's a narcissist.) She saw that things weren't going her way, so she had to make a scene of taking her ball and going home (which I'm sure she won't end up doing, because how could we all talk about her if she's not there anymore?)
Apr 03, 2012
After last nights word play, Arsennio would be an awesome celebrity apprentice.

Anyone but that annoying know it all Lisa Lampinelli
Apr 04, 2012
LOVE Arsenio. He was dead on about Aubrey, and his takedown of her in the board room was masterful!!!
Apr 04, 2012
Ha ha...that awkward moment when Lisa realizes that America actually doesn't hate Arsenio because of what he said. On the contrary...I think I seen his face on a flag ten minutes after the episode concluded.
Apr 03, 2012
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I'm really not enjoying this style of review.

I appreciate that a lot of effort is going into it, but this is some seriously long amateur poetry - and that's really not what I come to tv.com for. I really like this show and I miss being able to read a traditional episode recap in relation to it.

(i.e mean critiques and humorous cross referential zingers).

I have no sense at all what actually happened in the episode from this ... I'll call it a piece ... and I just hope you consider reverting to the more traditional approach in future episodes (or perhaps tv.com put up two recaps).

Apr 03, 2012
These only make sense after you've seen the episode. I've tried glancing at them before watching and they didn't make any sense to me either. But after the fact, they're genius.
Apr 03, 2012
Thank you!!! I'm so glad you get them. You're right, they definitely cater to someone who has seen the episode. I appreciate your comment a lot.
Apr 03, 2012
Brilliant recap, Lily. Absolutely brilliant.

Arsenio obliterated Aubrey. Everything he said was merciless but completely on target. Wow.

Poor Dayana can't please anyone. It's sad that she's continuously called into the boardroom, even when she doesn't deserve it. I don't understand Lisa's venomous hate for her -- guess Lampanelli is even meaner than her standup.

My guess is that Aubrey returns. She's too driven to just give up like that, but this would be a fitting exit for her.

I think another man will be taking the Apprentice title this year. With the exception of Lou, all the men are really strong this year.
Apr 04, 2012
I feel like Lisa really does have a mental block when it comes to Dayana. Even if Dayana did no work and contributed no ideas, her level of antagonism would still be wildly inappropriate. And we have video evidence of her down on the floor scrubbing and contributing good ideas and saving Penn on stage with quick thinking. Lisa must feel embarassed looking at these episodes now and coming off as such a thorough hater.

I don't think I saw Aubrey in the promo,so either they're choosing to leave it ambiguous or she just shot out into the night and became a club promoter after her break down. Either way I hope they follow up with her next week.

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