Celebrity Apprentice: Skits and Giggles

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The Celebrity Apprentice: "And Then There Were Two"


Well, the dancing girl Aubrey was thoroughly chastised last night. Even after weeks of being pleasantly disgusted by her oversized hair, lashes, and ego, I was slightly stung on her behalf by her swift firing and then the fact she was last-picked for the two teams. Luckily her rampant narcissism can skillfully warp the wholesale rejection into yet another tribute to her creative skills. Arsenio and Clay, the last two standing, are "haters." What Aubrey has failed to grasp (despite the fact that it's often been flung in her face) is that she's not so much a creative genius as she is a loud, bossy manipulator. Accused of being transparent, Aubrey confused the term with its literal meaning. Oh well. She's Team Clay's problem now, and speaking of which, where can I get a T-shirt with this emblazoned on it?

Is there anything better than an old-world Art Deco font? It reminds me of the ravishing twenties, when suave heroin addicts would giddily crank up their T-Model Ford engines and drive carloads of mink-swathed, manic flappers into East Egg lake and blame it on Gatsby.

The challenge of putting on a variety show put Clay and Arsenio's careers head-to-head: music vs. comedy! And if this episode proved nothing else, it's that you are always, always, always better off in a room full of comedians than a room full of musicians.

Just ask Theresa, who is clearly just so happy to be surrounded by adults and not kids and other angry housewives. It was heartening to see Adam Carolla back, and while they provided us with ANOTHER cliffhanger ending (the suspense is killing me, by boring me to death) which seemed to tease that Adam's crew had ruined the Magic footage, I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that there is another take where Magic talks directly to camera.

Cruellers to kroner! This is not the only take. Although if there isn't a second take, wow, Adam. Just wow. Aside from a moment of pique at Magic facing away from the camera during the first take of footage, Arsenio seemed way laid back in the smart, shrewd company of offstage comedians (as someone who's spent time with off-duty comedians plenty, outside of a green room they're the most pleasant company in the world. Inside a green room, look out! They will try to casually practice their material at you until you want to hide under a moving car. Green rooms: the ultimate crucible of the human psyche.) Meanwhile, the musicians had quickly dissolved into a quivering lump of wounded egos and scattered melodies.

Debbie Gibson, wearing a confounding brooch, had promised her cousin nationwide mural-painting exposure (MURAL PAINTING! What a career. When was the last time you considered getting a mural done?) and no doubt a hefty check for coming in and painting Clay's space. Clay, very reasonably, wanted to see a sketch before committing so much of the ambiance to a stranger who may or may not turn out something like this:

Which turned Debbie into a sobbing wreck and brought out words like "trust" and "move heaven and earth" that just DON'T belong in business. Although before we get too angry at Debbie, let's take it back to the shimmying red-haired root of all evil who wanted to paint a gallery space in the first place. I have long said Aubrey has been trying to use this show as a platform for her Clown Chic look:

But not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine she would jump from event-planning to suggesting a carnival theme complete with custom clown suits for all the players on Team Clay. She has lots of connections in that community, she assured Clay. I'M SURE YOU DO, CLOWN PRINCESS. She may talk a big game about Debbie being her elder and not knowing what's hot, but Aubrey's aesthetics are just so tragically, horribly misguided. Its like she got her taste from a bargain bin at Hot Topic, a glowing orb she immediately swallowed that cemented her ideal look as some weird crossover between Stephen King's It and Britney Spears.

Clay was also beset with a shit-smelling park and Penn being just as frank as always about how terrible everyone else's ideas were. Poor Clay. I am genuinely pulling for him, he's been nothing but quick and smart and generous. It completely turned my opinion of Lisa around when she called him up and offered to buy a ticket to his Gala. Okay, yes, Lisa raises several of my red flags but this gesture went a long way to repairing her image in my eyes.

So we're grinding toward the finish line now, with the finale next week. Arsenio clearly has the team that's much easier team to work with, but then the editors do love to set us up for surprises so I am not assuming a victory or even a successful gala. I am expecting a boardroom full of ego-driven arias and Aubrey pitching herself like for reals as a Trump intern. But more importantly, what are your predictions for the finale?

QUESTIONS:

1. Is there any theme LESS fun than a clown theme?

2. Is Aubrey using this platform to launch Clown Chic?

3. Is Theresa probably the most fun person out of the bunch to hang with?

4. "Pork, two fishes and a steak": Is it just me or should pig and fish never be put on the same plate?

5. Is Debbie Gibson an eternal adolescent?

6. Who do you want to see "win" this thing?

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