Chaos, Elton John on SNL, and The Borgias

What to watch on Friday, April 1.

We did it! We finally stumbled through through the tape and collapsed onto the grass in front of the Gatorade cooler. Sure, many of our teammates are disappointed and most of the spectators went home already, but that changes nothing: THIS RACE IS OVER. So let's just bask in the glory of the weekend and call this past week a job well done!

Ostensibly an acronym for Clandestine Administration and Oversight Services, CHAOS actually spells F-U-N! Just kidding, it's too early to tell. So this here show is a brand-new action dramedy about a rookie CIA agent (Freddy Rodriguez) and the three ne'er-do-well CIA agents (aren't they all?) that he partners up with.

8pm, NBC
Who Do You Think You Are?
It's the episode of Who Do You Think You Are? we've all been waiting for: Gwyneth Paltrow. Haha, April Fools! (Not the Gwyneth Paltrow part. The rest.) Anyway, tonight the shouty lady who leaves WAY too many voicemails on Cee-Lo's answering machine will investigate her family tree and even unearth an "ancestral connection to the island of Barbados." Which begs the question, Do voodoo spells work when you use BLUE blood? (Dear Jay Leno: Please send me a dollar if you want to use this joke).

Although this show probably won't feature anywhere near the amount of male nudity that Spartacus did, it's safe to say that Starz is definitely on a roll these days. In this new fantasy-adventure series (which just BARELY beats Game of Thrones to the screen), a certain very young, very dreamy future king befriends a certain wizard (Joseph Fiennes) and quickly finds himself at odds with the wizard's evil hottie sister (Eva Green)!

9pm, CBS
Tonight Jo (Sela Ward) finds herself knee-deep in worry when her adopted daughter becomes the key witness in a murder investigation. Also, Lieutenant Dan will grumble and mutter about stuff. (Spoiler)

11pm, Showtime Extreme
Beach Heat: Miami
Now that viewers are really starting to complain about Beach Heat: Miami's complicated mythology and backstory, hopefully the showrunners will listen up and give us some ANSWERS already! Anyway, in tonight's episode Amber will seek "help" from Melanie; Cale will feel disappointed when he learns that Jace "hooked up" with Michelle and Tracy; and Chloe will put "the moves" on C-Train.


Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
Say Yes to the Dress, 9 p.m., TLC
The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
American Loggers, 10 p.m., Discovery
Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS
DC Cupcakes, 10 p.m. & 10:30 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!


What to watch on Saturday, April 2.

11:30pm, NBC
Saturday Night Live
All right, Elton John, if you insist on hosting this thing then go for it. Be our guest. Hostin' and singin' and what not. Elton John, everybody.

9pm, Fox
America's Most Wanted
Tonight John Walsh demands ANSWERS, particularly concerning the whereabouts of a guy who murdered a tamale vendor back in 2009. Trust me, America, when John Walsh demands answers, you better give them to him!


Secrets From a Stylist, 9 p.m., HGTV
The Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Antonio Treatment, 9:30 p.m., HGTV
Victorious, 9:30, Nickelodeon

What to watch on Sunday, April 3.

The Killing
This looks really good, you guys! The Killing is an American adaptation of a Danish crime drama concerning a single murder investigation shown from three different perspectives. In tonight's two-part premiere, we follow a lady detective as she investigates the disappearance of a 17-year-old girl. Sounds good, AMC. Let's do this!

9pm, Showtime
The Borgias
Oh dang, and this one too! In tonight's OTHER two-part series premiere, we'll meet The Borgias, arguably the most infamous power-mongering family of the Italian Renaissance. Okay, it's not like The Tudors was the classiest show, but it was certainly fun, and plus this one even has Jeremy Irons! All right, Showtime. Fine.

The 47th Annual Academy of Country Music Awards
Reba McEntire (Tremors) co-hosts tonight's annual celebration, wherein Taylor Swift, Keith Urban, Brad Paisley, Jason Aldean, and Toby Keith will all perform. Quick question: Would I look better in cowboy boots? I know this is probably not the right place to ask this question, but let me know if I might look better in cowboy boots, okay?

9pm, NBC
Celebrity Apprentice
Tonight the remaining "celebrities" will be tasked with creating original "artwork" and selling the pieces for "charity." Additionally, the previews promise "a misunderstanding, a fiery confrontation, and a nasty traffic test." Wait, what? That would've been more fun if resident crazy grandmother Dionne Warwick was still around Oh well, c'est la vie! ("Oh well, that's life" in French).

10pm, A&E;
Breakout Kings
In tonight's episode of America's favorite sexy criminal showcase, a woman convicted of stabbing her husband makes her escape on a school bus (I guess?), plus prison starts getting pretty old for Lloyd when another inmate attempts to collect on Lloyd's gambling debt.


60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
America's Next Great Restaurant, 8 p.m., NBC
Chopped All-Stars, 8 & 9 p.m., Food Network
Secret Millionaire, 8 p.m., ABC
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Ax Men, 9 p.m., HGTV
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Holmes Inspection, 9 p.m., HGTV
Sister Wives, 9 p.m., TLC
Mildred Pierce, 9:15 p.m., HBO
The Cleveland Show, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Body of Proof, 10 p.m., ABC
Coming Home, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Kourtney and Kim Take New York, 10 p.m., E!
The Real Housewives of Orange County, 10 p.m., Bravo
Holly's World, 10:30, E!

What are you watching this weekend?

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