Aspiring crack-utante Charlie Sheen called into The Dan Patrick Show again today, this time addressing the vanity card from Two-and-a-Half Men creator Chuck Lorre that ran at the end of Monday’s episode. (He seemed unaware of a second, far-harsher card that ran after Mike and Molly, in which Lorre described Sheen as “inside, dead...life ebbing from his wasted body.”
It may have only flashed on the screen for a second, but thanks to the magic of DVR technology, we know that it featured a list of Lorre’s healthy-living habits, followed by the words, “If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.” But Sheen, a man who always sees the glass pipe as half-full, took it as a compliment.
"This is like a gigantic compliment," he told Patrick. "Chuck offered an olive branch. That’s how I interpreted it...This is about him personally. It doesn’t get to me, it’s not about me until the end. It’s a reflection of how he feels, in comparison to how insane my life appears at times. So, I took it as a huge compliment. He basically wrote a brilliant little piece of literature and called me Superman. Don’t people get it?"
Ah, crack. Only you could twist a searing indictment of a deadly and hedonistic lifestyle into something as fun as The World’s Tiniest Novel About the Son of Krypton. You’re one hell of a drug.