Charlie Sheen is Not a Morning Show Person (VIDEO)

Sure, one could argue that Charlie Sheen has flown off the proverbial “deep end” in the proverbial “ego-boosted F-18 multi-role fighter aircraft.” But look at his attitude about the whole situation. The guy is walking on freaking sunshine! Life may have given Charlie rock-bottom, but dammit, Charlie is gonna take that rock, put it in a pipe, and fire up a batch of rock-bottom-ade! His Two and a Half Men-imploding Crazy Tour made a stop at the morning shows today, and the quotable hits kept coming. Sheen's enemies remain Alcoholics Anonymous (“charlatans”), CBS (who owes him a foot-licking) and Chuck Lorre (“dictatorial,” “lazy”). The thing he claims to be fighting for is his “family” (though he says he fell into drugs and porn star harems because raising kids at age 45 bored him).

Some highlights:

On The Today Show...

... “I did [drugs and alcohol] because they work.”

... “I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering with a sense of violent love.”

... “Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock.”

... “[Overdosing]’s for amateurs. I’ve always had a plan, I’ve always executed it perfectly. Sometimes I overshoot the mark, whatever.”

... On Alcohlics Anonymous: “[AA’s path] was written for normal people. People that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood and adonis DNA.”

... On his employability: “Guys. IMDb, right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean come on, bro, I won Best Picture at 20, and I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”

... On his terms for returning to Two and a Half Men: “It’s $3 mil an episode. Take it or leave it.”

... On whether he owes CBS an apology: “They owe me a big one. Publicly. While licking my feet.”

On Good Morning America...

... On whether or not he’s bi-polar: “I’m bi-winning.”

“The last time I took drugs I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging 7-gram rocks and finishing them. Because that’s how I roll. I was one-speed. I have one gear: Go.”

... On sobriety: “What I’m harnessing now is absolute focus. It’s exciting. It’s exciting. I’ve come back from a place. People can try to put labels on it, call it ‘boring’ or ‘stupid.’ And that’s fine. But for me, I’m just answering to a higher calling.”

... On relapse: “Not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can’t is the cancer of happen. Can’t is the cancer of happen.”

... On the amount of partying he does: “It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them looked like droopy-eyed, useless children.”

... On any guilt he might feel over his lifestyle: “I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they’re never otherwise going to see in their boring, useless lives. They’ll live with that memory for the rest of their lives.”

... On a woman at one of his parties who feared she might OD: “What’s that got to do with me?

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